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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Alzheimer's / October 2007Geezee
Well I couldn't take it anymore. I have a brother that doesn't visit his mother. A couple of years ago he remarried a very nice lady who is a nurse. She did help him through his denial and I'm sure encourages him to acknowledge Mom's birthday etc. He really doesn't like to deal with Mom so my other brother and I do the day to day care of her needs. We both visit and take her to appointments and deal with anything that comes up. My sister-in-law just called asking again what Mom needs for her birthday. I said a visit from her son would be nice and she really doesn't "need" anymore material things. Well SIL starting making excuses as to why my brother couldn't visit. He doesn't do chic chat and is very uncomfortable with the dementia. I'm afraid I vented. Basically I told her nobody likes the situation. I told her that she couldn't fix the situation. I know it makes her uncomfortable about the way he treats his mother but sorry it can't be fixed with a trinket for Mom's birthday. She understood where I was coming from but she defended her husband. Well, there won't be absolution from me. Maybe I'm being unreasonable but this crappy illness isn't easy on any of us. This brother never visits except maybe once a year and he always has to have someone else along to talk to because Mom doesn't talk that much anymore. Actually some days she does talk but you never know what day you're going to get when you visit. Ok I'm done venting here. I'm sure that most of you have similar situations with your family and thanks for the virtual ear......June > Well I couldn't take it anymore. I have a brother that doesn't visit his > mother. A couple of years ago he remarried a very nice lady who is a [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > I'm sure that most of you have similar situations with your family and > thanks for the virtual ear......June Hi June, You are absolutely right in wishing he would take more of an interest in his mother, but sadly there are people in this world who for some unknown reason, just can't bring themselves to deal with illness, and especially illness such as alzheimers, where the persons mind and cognition is involved. You need to have compassion for his immaturity and lack of understanding. It is apparently beyond his scope to get a clue. I hate to sound so sour, but just watch how quickly he will materialize when the will is read.  SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn > > Well I couldn't take it anymore. I have a brother that doesn't visit his > > mother. A couple of years ago he remarried a very nice lady who is a [quoted text clipped - 35 lines] > > Evelyn Evelyn, You are soooo right.When my mom sold her property for a nice amount us kids got some of my dads money.Those exact 2 siblings could not even wait for the checks to be mailed .They both traveled 100 miles to pick up there checks.I am sorry but i call that GREED.barb >> > Well I couldn't take it anymore. I have a brother that doesn't visit >> > his [quoted text clipped - 55 lines] > even wait for the checks to be mailed .They both traveled 100 miles to > pick up there checks.I am sorry but i call that GREED.barb Hi Barb, Just make sure you keep really good books on every penny of your mom's money. You can bet the siblings will want to have a penny for penny accounting when they come around with their hand out. My elder law attorney told me to do that, and I did. It came in real handy when she needed to go into the nursing home, and they wanted the application for Medicaid in place before they would accept her. You cannot believe the hoops you have to jump through. Fortunately my husband was an only child, but there was a grandchild. Situation was similar. We did it all and cared for her for 3 and a half years in our home. It was the right thing to do and we did it. Now that she is gone, our consciences are clear. I saved everything. Every receipt, every bill. SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn >>> Hi June, >>> [quoted text clipped - 35 lines] > > I saved everything. Every receipt, every bill. I doubt there will be anything left. Mom doesn't have that much money and is in good heath physically. All of Mom's money is in an account with her name, my name and my brother that helps out name. The eldercare attorney said that at this point we could take our two thirds out but that's not going to happen as long as Mom's in assisted living (not covered by Medicaid in this state). I cringe at the thought of putting her in a NH. We're really careful with her money so she can stay where she is as long as possible. She really likes it. If by chance there's something left I suppose I will share just to keep the peace. I pay all her bills online and will always have a record......June > <deerwoodflo...@hotmail.com> wrote in message > [quoted text clipped - 82 lines] > > Evelyn Evelyn, My sister handles my moms money.And she does keep very good records.I would not want that responsibility for exactly those reasons of needing to account for every penny.And believe me when my mom goes those greedy s.o.b's will want to know.barb June, It sounds like your sister-in-law could possibly become your ally in getting your brother to face his obligations. I suspect you vented at her because she was willing to listen and had the grace to acknowledge the problem, whereas your brother just wants to bury his head in the sand. You might want to call her up, tell her you're sorry for venting at her, it's just that all of your frustrations with your brother came out at her, and ask her if you and she might work together to get your brother to face his mom. As Evelyn said, your brother's attitude isn't all that uncommon. It doesn't mean he doesn't love his mother or that he can't appreciate what you and your other brother are doing. It may just mean that he is too weak to face his own fears. Maybe he can be confronted about this - not in a way that starts with a fight, but in a way that begins with, "I know this is hard for you but it's something that we all really need to face." Best of luck with it. Alan > June, > [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > > Alan Mom was diagnosed 15 years ago. Brother is not going to change spots now. I feel sorry for my SIL because somewhere inside of her she knows her husband is emotionally bankrupt. I feel I get called because she really wants me to know he is doing something. It's BS of course. I suggested a nice card and a visit but that wasn't what she wanted to hear. I don't feel I was out of line to offer this suggestion but she kept pushing for the answer she wanted to hear. What she wanted was some material thing that Mom just couldn't do without and would make all the difference in her life. Damn....if such a thing existed I would have bought it already. It's bad enough that brother does nothing but I'm supposed to make his wife feel better about it. Hmmmmm Am I Really wrong? I apologized to her already. She says he treats her great. I'm sure he does ---as long as she works and stays healthy..... I shouldn't have told her one of Mom's favorite sayings "Watch how a man treats his mother and you will know how he will treat you" I am truly sorry for telling her that even though she probably knows it already.....June > Well I couldn't take it anymore. I have a brother that doesn't visit his > mother. A couple of years ago he remarried a very nice lady who is a [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > that most of you have similar situations with your family and thanks for the > virtual ear......June June, Ohhhh how well i know how you feel.I have 3 siblings within 100 miles of us.2 of them maybe and thats a big maybe come see mom once a year.My brothers excuse is about the same as your brother.He can't deal with it.Well i say buck up brother dear.I deal with it daily. 24-7.Does he think i like seeing her this way.evidentally!!!!! I have never gotten a thank you for all the hard work i do.But to me i couldnt care less.my mom appreciates it.My sister comes maybe once a yr.Yet she goes to a casino very close to us .She has every excuse under the sun.No gas money ,car isnt working etc.My only thought on it all is my concience will be clear when shes gone.Barb |
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