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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Alzheimer's / September 2007Dad in Hospital
Dad just turned 80 and has mid-stage AD. I've been caring for him at home for the last 2-1/2 years and it is becoming more than I can take. I recently had to go into the hospital myself due to atrial fibrillation which was probably caused by stress. Recently Dad fell twice while at home, and while he didn't break anything he was admitted to the hospital to determine was might be going on and to give me some time to arrange for some round-the-clock sitters at home. He has been in the hospital about 10 days. He has been very agitated while in the hospital, so much so that his doctor has tried some new meds (Risperdal maybe, I'm not sure) to try to calm him down. He is a fall risk so the hospital has put an monitor on him and he has needed round-the-clock sitters to keep an eye on him. I go visit him twice a day. Since starting the new meds he seems to be having delusions or halucinations, I'm not sure what to call them. Especially at night he thinks he is some place other than the hospital. He now tries to call me in the wee hours of the morning. He seems to be spending hours trying to contact me calling my work phone, home phone, cell phone, and now he has started calling neighbors! I've had to turn off the phones it has gotten so bad. I feel so guilty that I can't be by his side continually. I'm tied up in knots every waking moment and have trouble sleeping too!!!! > Dad just turned 80 and has mid-stage AD. I've been caring for him at home > for the last 2-1/2 years and it is becoming more than I can take. I recently > had to go into the hospital myself due to atrial fibrillation which was > probably caused by stress. I'll be blunt: you cannot and should not attempt to care for him at home any longer. It will likely kill you, and probably would kill him. Talk to the social worker at the hospital about having her help you find a place for him in a full care facility after his release, since it's obvious that you can no longer care for him due to your own health problems. YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THIS. It is not a failure on your part; circumstances have changed since you started caring for him at home. Many of us have had to do it. Yes, you might have to sell his home to pay for a higher level of care until his assets have been spent down and medicaid starts paying, but folks have to do it all the time. Really, if you're having heart attacks because you're caring for him, it's time to place him where professionals can do the heavy lifting, and you can spend quality time with him without stress. Remember, he'll be far worse off if you're dead or disabled. DJ, I have had atrial fibrillation and I really sympathize with you. I had to have a defibrilator implanted in my chest in January, and I still have not completely recovered. Get so tired and weak, and give out of breath very quickly. I can only imagine how you have suffered looking after your dad. As Dennis said, you do not need to try keeping him at home any longer. Sometimes the caregiver dies before the patient does, and it sounds like you may be headed in that direction. You really do need to find a place for him where he will be looked after around the clock, and you can enjoy visiting with him. AND YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO FEEL GUILTY! That is a definite no-no for anyone in this group. So many of us have been there, and we know that it is better to have them taken care of by somebody who goes home after their shift and can forget about any problems until they go back for another shift. You can't do that looking after him at home, and you really do not need to try doing it again. Gwen >> Dad just turned 80 and has mid-stage AD. I've been caring for him at home >> for the last 2-1/2 years and it is becoming more than I can take. I [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > > Remember, he'll be far worse off if you're dead or disabled. > He now tries to call me in the wee > hours of the morning. He seems to be spending hours trying to contact me > calling my work phone, home phone, cell phone, and now he has started > calling neighbors! I've had to turn off the phones it has gotten so bad. If you have the say-so, have the phone removed from his room. If not, tell his doctor what he's doing and have him order it removed. > Dad just turned 80 and has mid-stage AD. I've been caring for him at home > for the last 2-1/2 years and it is becoming more than I can take. I [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > so bad. I feel so guilty that I can't be by his side continually. I'm tied > up in knots every waking moment and have trouble sleeping too!!!! Hi DJ, I am coming in late to this thread, but you have gotten good advice from Dennis and Gwen and Don. I concur completely with what they said. Have them take the phone out of his room overnight if you need to. Do not even think of taking him in to live with you. It is much too stressful and difficult and it could harm your own health very much. All of us here have been through this illness with a loved one. We do understand what you are going through. As Gwen said... NO GUILT!  SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn Thanks to all for your replies. Somehow hearing from the group, those that have been there and done that, makes me feel a bit better. Two years ago I told Dad that I wanted to get on with my life and asked him o consider assisted living. He just got angry. Privately he told my brother "I've never been talked to like that in my whole life! Your brother is only thinking of himself!" You'd have thought that I had yelled and cursed at him. And yet from time to time Dad tells me "I'm just a burden to you. You need to get on with your life." but he never mentions any practical alternatives to living at home. Now aside from having AD his knee is shot and he is a very poor candidate for surgery. The knee may force him into a care facility regardless of what he wants or what I do. Your advise on a care facility and not feeling guilty is not new. My very good neighbor with an 80-something AD mother tells me this, my 92 year-old great-aunt (in an assisted care facility) tells me this, and Mom and Dad's closest friends tell me this. I guess I've been a coward when it comes to dealing with Dad, or perhaps I'm still in playing the child role, or maybe I'm a bit afraid of him as was the disciplinarian in the family. I just don't know. In many ways I guess I need help more than he does. > Dad just turned 80 and has mid-stage AD. I've been caring for him at home > for the last 2-1/2 years and it is becoming more than I can take. I [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > so bad. I feel so guilty that I can't be by his side continually. I'm tied > up in knots every waking moment and have trouble sleeping too!!!! > Thanks to all for your replies. Somehow hearing from the group, those that > have been there and done that, makes me feel a bit better. [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > I'm a bit afraid of him as was the disciplinarian in the family. I just > don't know. In many ways I guess I need help more than he does. Hi DJ....I think you wrote the truth in your last line. You need to see a professional to sort all this out in your mind. Sometimes people think they have to fix a situation or that they don't deserve a better life. Believe me you've paid your dues and then some. Do not continue to punish yourself for not living up to your demented father's expectations. As quoted in earlier posts you'll both be losers if your health; physical and mental continues to deteriorate. Take care of yourself because you're just as important as anybody else--- Believe it......June > Thanks to all for your replies. Somehow hearing from the group, those that > have been there and done that, makes me feel a bit better. [quoted text clipped - 40 lines] >> so bad. I feel so guilty that I can't be by his side continually. I'm >> tied up in knots every waking moment and have trouble sleeping too!!!! DJ, my 94 year old dad constantly harangues me for not coming to see him often enough, yet the house is filthy and dark and overly hot, and he complains constantly. He throws the fact I have dogs in my face and says "YOU go take care of your DOGS!" As if there was a competition. Meanwhile he has a woman, a long time friend living there with him that I have no use for, but I keep my own silence because she does take care of him, and I wouldn't want to have to do that. He hasn't got alzheimers disease, but he does have vascular insufficiency to his brain, which occasionally makes him act similarly. The difference is that he does have some memory, but the paranoia and hypersensitivity and guilt trips and controlling behavior are the same. I know what you are going through, we all do. Hang in there. Life is for the living, and nobody passes this way twice. When he was in his right mind, he'd never have acted like this, most likely... am I right? He will adapt to a facility in time. If that lady who takes care of my father ever decided to quit, I can tell you that he would be in a facility right away. Somehow they are less controlling and nasty to strangers then to their own kids. SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn > Two years ago I told Dad that I wanted to get on with my life and asked him > o consider assisted living. He just got angry. Privately he told my brother [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > I'm a bit afraid of him as was the disciplinarian in the family. I just > don't know. In many ways I guess I need help more than he does. You have to remember now that YOU ARE THE ADULT AND HE IS THE CHILD because his brain is damaged. You simply have to grit your teeth, forget about his anger, and put him in care. Stop being a wimp because REMEMBER, THERE IS NOTHING HE CAN DO TO YOU unless you LET him do so. Please, see the hospital social worker about this. They have helped caregivers with this problem more than once. Have either YOUR doc or his doc ORDER that he be placed, so that the blame doesn't fall on you, and you can tell him "Dad, I can't do anything about it, the doctor ordered it". Now, become the adult you are, and JUST DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. I guess I've been a coward when it comes to dealing with Dad, or perhaps I'm still in playing the child role, or maybe I'm a bit afraid of him as was the disciplinarian in the family. I just don't know. In many ways I guess I need help more than he does I took care of mom for 4 years and felt the same way I finally could not handle it by myself any more so I had to put mom into assist living. once I did my health went down hill almost caused me a stroke, I felt guilty for about two weeks and once my own life was on the line, I knew I did the right thing for both mom and I. I paid caregivers and volunteers to come help me but I now am on anti-depressants, sleeping pills and 3 blood pressure meds because I let my stress and guilt consume me. you will feel guilty at first but once they get adjusted to the place , you will be saying I should have done this a long time ago. Good luck and don't feel guilty I know it is easier said then done. but you will have peace of mind once it is done--- JJ "DJ" wrote:snip# I feel so guilty that I can't be by his side continually. I'm tied up in knots every waking moment and have trouble sleeping too!!!! ~~~~~ Just a short response, With my dad recently passing away at age 93 and my mom of 87 with Alzheimer's for the past six years I can testify there is only one thing that will get a person through this, not guilt nor pity for the sick but rather just one hundred percent unconditional love. If I could change places with my mom I would in an instant however that's not to be and yes out of desparation I stood at the crossroads and offered my soul to the Devil in return for her recovering. However the bottom line after all these years is like they say, love can move mountains and it will get you through this and yes even those sleepless nights. You have my undivided best wishes and as time goes on you'll find strength you never knew you had if you go through this in the name of love, a mighty potent medicine... Ray, |
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