hello boydette, i am new here so dont remember you, but sorry for the loss
of your mother, and glad things are going better for your father.  You have
your hands full dont you?

best wishes with your little granddaughter too

chris

Boydette,

Stop beating yourself up about this.  All the thoughts that you and
your Mom had for each other were strong and loving.  Whether you
happened to be in the room during those last 45 minutes doesn't
matter at all.  The thoughts and feelings were the same and they
don't change whether one is six inches away or 60 miles away.

That last sentence I quoted, the one that says you miss her
terribly, and that even in her demented state you talked with
her every day - that's what counts.  You were there for her
when it really counted and you are there for her now.

I guess that your Mom had a hard life, but she was very, very
lucky in one thing - she had a daughter that really cared about
her.  That's all that most parents really need.

   Alan

dont know if any of you remember me... its Boydette
I just thought Id check in and see how everyone is doing...havent read
any posts yet...but I see some familiar names
just to update you on my situation...if you remember I came here for
help with my parents who were both suffering from alcohol dementia.
my dad has been in a nursing home for 3 years...he was very sick
(physically and mentally) when he first went in and even though his
physical health has improved his memory seems to be the only thing still
affected...he is doing quite well (again physically) and he will turn 82
in November....he is in and out of a wheelchair due to some problems
with balance and his legs...but he is the star of the show as he has
always been...its so cute he thinks he works there and he keeps everyone
"in line"....lol
my mom ...well the news is not good....she deteriorated mentally and it
got really bad...she was not taking care of herself at all and no matter
how hard me and my sister tried we could get no help...she also
continued to walk to the local tavern and one night as expected she fell
and broke her hip...my uppermost fear had come true
still we were unaware cause she didnt tell anyone and walked around like
that for a month...finally when it was discovered she had to have
surgery...and it was downhill after that
she survived about a week longer
I dont know if it was because of the surgery or what but she developed a
urinary tract infection and died (like I said within about a week)...I
have grieved so hard and the rest of the family is like OH well...you
knew it was coming....everyone keeps telling me it was a "good death"
whatever that means...no she didnt suffer long and no she never regained
her mental abilities even to speak...however the last moment I spent
with her I told her not to be afraid and I was there holding her
hand...her eyelids fluttered and I held on to a hope with her strong
spirit and will to live it might save her.
she died very peacefully a few hours later...right after midnight on Dec
14th 2006.. after all of us in her family kept beside vigil for hours
before....we talked to her stroked her hair and held her hand and told
her all the things we wanted to say...she would hold on so tight but
there was really no way of knowing what she was understanding....I like
to think she knew we were all there and we all said the things we needed
and wanted to say to help her hold on
the bad part was they could give us no specific information and since it
was all so up in the air most went ahead and left....but she was not
alone...my sister was with her until the last
I felt so guilty for leaving cause it was only about 45 minutes later
and I have beat myself up over that but she was so strong willed I guess
I was in a state of denial...I just KNEW shed be okay cause she has
NEVER been sick...and I was wrong
I miss her terribly cause even in her demented state we talked every day
(mostly about the past cause thats all she could remember) and she
grieved for my dad constantly...I think thats really what did her in..in
the end...I was/and am angry because it was so unneccesary....she never
had any physical ailments despite the years of alcohol abuse and I think
the LACK of it after so long caused her body much distress
I miss her and I am glad that we were on good terms when she died...I am
doing quite well otherwise...and I have a new grandaughter that came in
as she went out...ironic huh???
Sorry so long and please excuse if I dont observe netiquette......its
been a long time since I been online (about 3 years) and I apologize if
I didnt do this right
Seems I have early onset dementia myself at age 55...oh well I am not
provoking it with a bad lifestyle and despite all the pain I am happy
content and have a whole new appreciation for life
Thanks for listening
Boydette

Please do not beat yourself up learn to accept you did all you could do,
I had to learn the hard way and almost caused a stroke for me. But I
have finally accept the fact there is nothing to feel guilty about
anymore, as I know in my heart and I think mom knows I did all I could
do for her before I had to put her into assist living. we have to go on
with our lives and accept that this is all part of the process a circle
of life.
take care JJ

You have no reason to beat yourself up; while it is perhaps sad that
you
missed her actual passing, you did get to say goodbye. I missed my own
father's death by a week as I was travelling out of the country at the
time.

My mother is now 90 and showing signs of Alzheimer's. Not knowing much
about
it, I did some research, read a lot, found some good stuff, and also
some
misinformation. So. being a programmer by trade, I organised my own
research
into a one page web site so my own family could learn what I learned.
But
over the past 8 or 9 months, it has grown as I found more and more
resources. Now the web site doesn't look anything like what I started
with,
and hopefully can help others than just my family.

It's at http://www.alzheimers-help.info

The mother, also age 90, of a good friend of mine died recently one
week
after beginning a memory improvement drug, prescribed for Alzheimer's.
My
friend thinks it was the immediate cause of her death and is bitter
towards
the doctor that prescribed it. This was one of the factors in my
deciding to
make an Alzheimer's web site.

I am 61 now, and am also showing some early signs of memory loss.

Regarding the birth of the grandchild after the death of your mother:

I have been living in Thailand for the last 2.5 years. Thai people are
Buddhists and believe in re-incarnation. If you have a good life, you
will
come back as a better person in the next life. After 7 good lives, you
go to
Nirvana, which is not Heaven as Christians explain it, but "becoming
one
with the universe". If you have a bad life, did bad things, you start
over
again as a slug, insect, cockroach, etc. So Thais won't kill
cockroaches, as
that one might be Uncle Charlie, he was a bad person.

So death and birth or re-birth are linked, in the Buddhist philosophy.

Doug Anderson