I know how frustrating this is for you.  Just remember as others here have
said it's not her it's the illness.   Because she's a somewhat distant
relative perhaps Adult Protective Services should be called.   She needs
protection against herself.  They will know what to do.  I had to turn my
mother in to the state of Florida BMV because she had no business driving
and my brother was in denial.  Mom knew who turned her in even though they
kept my name confidential.   She got over it.  Eventually she forgot
everything about it.  Don't feel guilty...it's the right thing to do.  Make
sure they know there's been a diagnosis of dementia.  If they decide that
she can stay by herself then you've done all that you can.   BTW  How does
she get groceries?   Either she is driving or trusts someone else to do
this.   If she's driving you know what you must do.   If she has a friend
helping her then you might find an ally.   I too was afraid that Mom might
burn her house down.  In fact she did have a fire in 2000.  Her furnace
caught fire and she called 911.   Luckily it wasn't so bad that she couldn't
go back and stay in her house.   We made sure all the neighbors had our
phone numbers.  Mom doesn't wander so that's not been a problem.  In case
you haven't followed old posts Mom first was diagnosed with dementia in 1993
at the age of 73 almost 74.   Since you Great Aunt is already 88, her
symptoms will probably manifest much more quickly.
Good Luck, June

You have to laugh sometimes.  Not out loud, of course.

<snip>>

My dad is the same way.  Although he was never suspicious or paranoid
before, he now has both of those traits and it's sometimes easier just to
play along.  I agree with him alot (out loud) as I think to myself ... this
is so illogical.  If your Aunt has been a suspicious person by nature then
maybe now would be a good time to go along and agree.  I often think, why
couldn't I have been blessed with one that becomes sweet and docile as the
dementia progresses?  Oh well.   Something you might want to consider is
removing any guns, etc. if she has any in her home.  We did this and Dad
will probably never even realize it.

Sadly, you won't be hearing "thanks" very often.  Probably never.  Don't
expect it.  Just know that she would appreciate what your doing if she had
the capacity to do so.  That's one of the many things they are robbed of.
This is one of those things where I just say to myself ..... Get Over It!

Hi Robyn,  I've read with interest your situation and having recently
survived our first real crisis with my father I know how difficult it is for
you.  At first I didn't think I could handle his anger and accusations.  It
felt so personal.

Believe me, it's not personal.  Not at all.  The lashing out is partly a
release for their frustration.  Knowing they are slowly losing control must
be a nightmare for them.

You're right about the people in this group being strong and patient.
They've certainly helped me find that strength needed for this.

You must accept that your loved one will say things that are hurtful and
untrue.  You have to keep the right perspective.  You are the one who is now
the adult and basically you're now in charge.  Do whatever it takes to make
her feel you're doing everything you can to make her life better.  Say
whatever it takes to keep her thinking she's still got some sort of control.
I hope it will get easier for you.  So many people have no one to help them.
Your Aunt is lucky to have you and your husband.  Just remember, she's lost
the capacity to appreciate what you two are doing for her.  I'm sure there
was a time when she would have been very grateful to you both.  Her safety
is obviously important to you and getting help from Elder Affairs is a good
option.  There may be some home helath care options available to you also.
Just from my limited experience it helped me to use calming phrases with Dad
when he was angry.  i.e.  "I'm sorry you feel that way", or "I'm sorry you
feel you have to do that".  I used that last one when my father told me he
was never going to eat again and that he would just starve himself to death.
Thirty minutes later he asked if I wanted to go out for dinner.   :-)

This is a wonderful group with the best advice and direction you'll find
anywhere. They made me realize I had to get in gear fast and take care of
some essentials. I won't address your reluctance to use an elder law
attorney. I'm sure you're local AZ groups and other resources will give you
some good options and advice. We were so lucky to find a very caring
attorney - young and not a lot of experience but he was extremely thorough.
Dad is very much able to participate in these kinds of decisions for now. I
don't know how much longer he will be able to do that.  Part of his crisis
came as a result of a serious head injury that wasn't discovered until after
he got lost driving around for 14 hours.  He didn't hurt anyone or himself.
We dodged a bullet on that one.  He's healing nicely and back to his mild to
moderate dementia.   (sans car, of course)

Hang in there Robyn - it does get easier and you're not alone.    Barbara H

Just as a follow up to my first post, my husband just got back from the
bank. They said that no one had called from there and that her bank accounts
were just fine, and untouched. Lovely. I was hoping she had just
misunderstood something, but apparently she dreamed the whole thing up. She
still won't talk to us, BTW.

Robyn

you just have to remember that it's not them, it's the disease.
she is no longer the same person.  part of her is gone (and
what's gone may come and go).

Robyn, this is just one tiny skirmish in what will be a long war. You
aren't done because she is your family, she gave you power of attorney
and you owe her a familial and moral duty. She is elderly, demented
and in need of help and protection.

Alzheimer's and other dementing illnesses are just not like other
diseases. She is not going to cooperate. She is not going to make
anything easy. She is also not going to be grateful. She will not see
your sacrifice or effort any more than she can see that she needs
help. Its god-forsaken but it is what it is.

Stop arguing with her!! Just do what you have to do. Don't get into it
on the phone with her. Divert, soothe, distract, comfort, agree with
her on the most outrageous things if you have to. Don't be
confrontational. Get the wheels in motion and do whatever works.

On the doctor front, I'm willing to bet money she can't change doctors
if she wants to, because that would require her to plan and carry out
some purposeful actions - like find a new doctor, arrange
appointments, get to the right place on the right day and time, armed
with ID and insurance information, and a reason to be there (never
mind the forms she'd have to fill out).

Its like my MIL wanting to go "home". At the time she started talking
about that, she wasn't in a locked ward so she was technically free to
fly the coop. However, leaving assisted living would have meant
formulating a plan, organizing herself, packing up, calling a cab,
having a place to go - and holding all those thoughts in her head
while she put the plan in action. She could no more have gotten
herself out of there to somewhere else with her belongings than flown
to the moon by flapping her earlobes. Her mind wasn't together enough
for that. It was upsetting for us that she was unhappy, but we never
really did the equation on her leaving - if we'd thought about it, her
talk was cheap because she couldn't have done much more than talk
about it.

Contrast that with my 90 something grandfather who lived alone and was
driving past his 90th birthday (and passing an annual drivers test to
boot).  My uncle talked him into assisted living, grandpa went there,
didn't like it after a week, packed up his stuff and went home on a
city bus...and my astonished uncle went by to check on his house, and
discovered grampa back there. Nothing wrong with THAT old guy's mind.

If you won't see an attorney, at least do some serious research about
medicaid/medicare and start filling out the forms. Get a handle on her
finances. Invoke that power of attorney (and make sure you also have
the power for medical decisions). Put your teflon coat on. She does
not know what she is saying. You cannot take the rantings and the
insults personally. I know that is hard - but it really is like having
a preschooler yell " I hate you, you poo-poo head!!" at you. I'm also
suspecting sweetness and light in person would be better than phoning
her. Like I said before in a previous post, be as sneaky as you need
to be - don't confront and argue. Be charming and slippery!!! Use
humor. Use whatever you've got in your toolbox right up to bribes, and
little presents.

Just an aside, my MIL lost her ability to use the phone by mid AD.
Dialing numbers got to be beyond her, and even speed dials
were...well. Hmm. Not so great. If she got a machine, she'd totally
spin out and have no clue what to do. The funniest ones (funny in a
black way) were when she got someone she didn't expect to answer the
phone. One day in particular, she was trying to call her sister. We'd
gotten her a special speed dial phone with big buttons, and one had
her sister's name on it. She dialed her sister's house, and got her
brother in law of more than 50 years, and just couldn't understand who
he was, no matter what he said to her ("Dolli, its ME, its ERIC!!!
Your sister's husband!!! Your brother in law!! I LIVE HERE!!). She
flipped out entirely, thinking she'd dialed some total stranger, and
hung up on him.

Its a pain in the rear end to go where she is when you want to arrange
something, but the phone is unlikely to be a good way to communicate
with your aunt. We found with my MIL, you never got sensible answers
to questions anyway, so if something was up, you had to jump in the
car and zip over there anyway - or be worried all night that something
was going on over there that wasn't good. Its easy to say no to an
offer by phone, not so easy if you just show up with groceries, or
take her for a ride  with a diversion to the store. Stop thinking of
her in terms of who she used to be, and think of where she is going.
She needs help, she needs support, she needs protection.

Nothing about this is going to be easy and smooth.

Mary G.

For Canadians reading this post, the appropriate authority to go to is
the Ministry of the Attorney General in your province.

My sister has become incapable of managing her affairs and abusive to
any person who tries to help her, especially family members.

The Office of the Public Guardian and Trustee is part of the Family
Justice Services Division of the Ministry of the Attorney General,
Ontario.
(Web site: http://www.attorneygeneral.jus.gov.on.ca/english/family/pgt/)

They are extremely approachable and caring, and always act in the best
interests of the affected person. They will arrange appropriate care,
and if money is a problem, the government picks up the tab. One of the
advantages of being a Canadian.

Doug Anderson
http://www.1-800-Alzheimers.org