advice for caregivers?

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Mary Fiecko - 22 Jul 2007 20:54 GMT

This is my first post. Hello everyone. My husband Chet is 87 yrs. old
and has had Alzheimers for about 6 yrs. He sleeps a lot - I don't know
if it is the disease, the medication or just boredom. He uses a walker
(says he has bad balance). He loves to eat - . He needs directions for
everything. He depends on me to tell him what to do and how to do it.
I can't do much for him (except think!) as my mobility is limited due to
brain tumor surgery. I wear a brace and also need a walker. Should I
just be happy that he sleeps so much or should I try to keep him more
active.

Thanks - Mary

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august - 22 Jul 2007 21:33 GMT

> This is my first post. Hello everyone. My husband Chet is 87 yrs. old
> and has had Alzheimers for about 6 yrs. He sleeps a lot - I don't know
[quoted text clipped - 7 lines]
>
> Thanks - Mary

As long as he is not agitated be grateful and let him sleep. His condition
sounds more like vascular dementia rather than Alzheimer's disease. My MIL
sounds much like your husband with zero short term memory and totally
dependant on others for directions for everything. My MIL with vascular
dementia (90) and now sleeps about 20 hrs day. As long as she eats twice
daily we do not worry about the sleeping too much. She seems to enjoy
dreaming and in her dreams is not as mentally impaired that we can tell (she
talks a lot in her sleep). Let him rest. all the best to you both, AW

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Steve...has tiger firmly by tail - 22 Jul 2007 21:47 GMT

Hi Mary,
It seems as if every case is different, Dad has started sleeping
much more than 6 months ago. His medicines have not changed, and I
can't thinnk of anything that would change his sleeping habits. At
first I thought that I was copping out by letting him sleep 16 hours
aday, when he is awake he is aggitated and just in general unhappy. I
have noticed that when he gets all the sleep he wants he funtions
better. the only downside is that sometimes he gets his days turned
around and will be up at 3am ready to start the day. Since he came to
live with me I have become a light sleeper, and have my cot in the
hallway. So IMHO let em sleep. Steve.. needs better grip on the
tiger

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brianna_1938 - 22 Jul 2007 22:30 GMT

Mary,
I am new to this too. My brother-in-law has Alzheimer's too but doesn't
sleep like that. Count your blessings. My sister goes through hell every
day. He curses her with no mercy and wants to hit her. She gives him
medication to calm down but it is only for a few hours. The homes she looked
into do not take care of the patients like she would like to and she priced
some in the area. The "nice" ones cost about three to four thousand dollars
a month. Who has that kind of money?
I am here to support her and help her as much as I can.
God bless you,
Bri

>This is my first post. Hello everyone. My husband Chet is 87 yrs. old
>and has had Alzheimers for about 6 yrs. He sleeps a lot - I don't know
[quoted text clipped - 7 lines]
>
>Thanks - Mary

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Evelyn Ruut - 22 Jul 2007 22:57 GMT

> Mary,
> I am new to this too. My brother-in-law has Alzheimer's too but doesn't
[quoted text clipped - 10 lines]
> God bless you,
> Bri

Hi Bri,

You know it might be good if she could put him in a facility she can afford,
then go there in the day and help out wherever she can, with feeding etc.
That way she would be assured he was getting good care, but someone else
would be watching him over night, and it might make her life just a little
easier.

There was a woman who used to post here, whose husband was violent like
that. I don't know how she did it, but she took care of him to the end.
It is so sad.

Signature

Best Regards,

Evelyn

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brianna_1938 - 25 Jul 2007 04:23 GMT

>> Mary,
>> I am new to this too. My brother-in-law has Alzheimer's too but doesn't
[quoted text clipped - 14 lines]
>It is so sad.
>Thank you for your advice. It was so nice of you to reply. I believe just talking to someone helps us out a lot.

Bri

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brianna_1938 - 25 Jul 2007 04:29 GMT

>> Mary,
>> I am new to this too. My brother-in-law has Alzheimer's too but doesn't
[quoted text clipped - 13 lines]
>that. I don't know how she did it, but she took care of him to the end.
>It is so sad.

My brother-in-law has always had his way. And now he seems to manipulate her
even more. She placed him in a home but went the following day and took him
out. she lost the money she paid for his care.
He is outright mean and uses the worst language you can imagine.
Everything is up to her, we just need to support her. He is always talking
about divorce but he doesn't even realize that he has no one to care for him
but her.

Thank you for your advice,
Bri

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Evelyn Ruut - 25 Jul 2007 12:52 GMT

>>> Mary,
>>> I am new to this too. My brother-in-law has Alzheimer's too but doesn't
[quoted text clipped - 29 lines]
> Thank you for your advice,
> Bri

Bri,

I don't want to scare you, but it wouldn't be the first time we've heard of
something like this, if your brother in law somehow managed to out-live
your sister. She absolutely needs to take care of herself. It is
exhausting, stressful, and emotionally draining to care for someone 24/7.
If she put him in a facility near home, she could go there every day and
help him out, but she would at least be able to get a rest sometime.

She needs to understand that they ALWAYS say they want to go home etc. etc.
It is horrible to be old and sick and confused, so these complaints have
nothing to do with the facility (most of the time) but more to do with his
state of mind. They long to be independent again, and 'home' could be
their childhood home, often long gone.

It is so sad, but trust me in that I have been in that position, as we had
to leave my mother in law in a facility ultimately. Inside of about a week
and a half she had quite comfortably adapted to the place, but she always
asked to go home. We just told her she was in a hospital, and that she
could go home when she got well. That seemed to satisfy her.

--
Best Regards,

Evelyn

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Dennis P. Harris - 24 Jul 2007 09:49 GMT

> I am new to this too. My brother-in-law has Alzheimer's too but doesn't
> sleep like that. Count your blessings. My sister goes through hell every
[quoted text clipped - 3 lines]
> some in the area. The "nice" ones cost about three to four thousand dollars
> a month. Who has that kind of money?

Your sister needs to talk to an elder care attorney NOW. from
your previous posts it sounds like caring for him is rapidly
exceeding the capacity of both of you, and placement may be a
better option. there are ways to separate and protect your
sister's assets (especially her home) so that medicaid can pay
for his nursing home care without her having to sell the house,
but she needs to discuss it with an elder care attorney
experienced & licensed in her state in order to ensure that it's
done correctly.

the cost of nursing home care should not be a barrier, but she
may use the cost or the kind of care the patients get as an
excuse because she would feel guilty about placing him, and she
shouldn't if that's what she needs to do. in my opinion, many
homes provide much better care as a team than an exhausted,
cranky spouse or child could ever do alone.

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Evelyn Ruut - 24 Jul 2007 14:03 GMT

>> I am new to this too. My brother-in-law has Alzheimer's too but doesn't
>> sleep like that. Count your blessings. My sister goes through hell
[quoted text clipped - 24 lines]
> homes provide much better care as a team than an exhausted,
> cranky spouse or child could ever do alone.

You said it best, Dennis. I have been there, and can relate. We felt
guilty about placing my mother in law and waited till we were way too burnt
out, before we did it. If I had to do it over again I wouldn't wait so
long.

Signature

Best Regards,

Evelyn

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brianna_1938 - 25 Jul 2007 04:26 GMT

>> I am new to this too. My brother-in-law has Alzheimer's too but doesn't
>> sleep like that. Count your blessings. My sister goes through hell every
[quoted text clipped - 18 lines]
>homes provide much better care as a team than an exhausted,
>cranky spouse or child could ever do alone.

Thank you for your advice. I will pass the message on to my sister. I think
she does feel guilty about placing him in a home. She did try one but went
the following day and took him out. He complains to her that he is being
mistreated, and continues to complain. So she takes him out and now we all
suffer for it. Her son has just about given up with all this.
Thank you again.
Bri

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Dennis P. Harris - 25 Jul 2007 08:17 GMT

> I think
> she does feel guilty about placing him in a home. She did try one but went
> the following day and took him out. He complains to her that he is being
> mistreated, and continues to complain. So she takes him out and now we all
> suffer for it.

that's normal, they always do that! most homes advise relatives
to NOT VISIT for at least a week, so that the new resident has
time to get into the routines and make new friends.

she should try again and leave him there for a week or ten days
before visiting.

and chances are he'll always say he's being mistreated, even
though he isn't, and he always want to go home. "home" for most
dementia patients means that they want everything to go back to
"normal", where they felt safe and everything was under control.

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