Absolutely!  Not to sound like a mutual cheering section around here, but we
all sort of are?  We have all seen one another through this, with all its
ramifications.

Oh, and when you clean out the house....make sure you check every pocket or
old handbag.   You never know what has been stashed where.   My mother in
law was famous for that.  She'd hide something and quickly forget where she
hid it.

My MIL still hasn't found camera equipment that my FIL hid because he was
afraid of 'the people who came in at night and moved things.' He then swore
the stuff was stolen by those same 'people who came in at night.' Later his
obsession was so great that he kept locking all the doors (including screen
doors), even while we were just on the front steps or in the backyard
playing and could see us. He saw, but didn't perceive, didn't remember we
belonged there.

Imagine what it would be like if your world just didn't make sense anymore.
You know it should make sense, so you try to find reasons for all the odd
things in your world. Any change, even a small one such as a new item in the
house, throws off those carefully created scenarios which help you know what
is happening around you.

Now, imagine someone has told you it is time to move to a whole new place.
You can't really understand why such a move is necessary (can't remember the
reasons. Couldn't integrate them, even if you could remember them). All you
know is that in the place you are now, you are barely holding on to a thread
of understanding of where everything is, and what you are supposed to do. If
you move, you will have no frame of reference whatsoever.

How can you possibly figure out things in a whole new place, with new items,
new people, new schedules, new spaces you won't recognize? How will you
remember where the toilet is? How will you know who is supposed to be there
and who is not? How will you find food and attend to basic needs and keep
yourself safe?

That's why it is more cruel to try to explain the move and prepare a loved
one with dementia (much less ask them and make them part of the decision)
than it is to simply move them. It is more respectful to understand the
mental limitation and do things which mitigate emotional distress than it is
to make decisions for them and just make them do things. Just like you don't
let a toddler decide where they will live and where they will play. You have
the mature and well functioning brain. Your loved one has a brain which is
regressing in its ability to function.

There is one caveat to this - in my FIL's case, he had a frontal lobe
dementia. The abilities go away differently. His memory and ability to
understand and be articulate (not just speak, but speak about things in
sophisticated ways, even as he 'lost' specific words) stayed. And if a
memory was coupled with strong emotion, it was ironclad. But the executive
function was gone. The safeguards which say something isn't socially
acceptable, or isn't appropriate, or too extreme given the stimulus, was
gone. If he didn't want to cooperate, he could become belligerent and even
violent. To avoid a violent reaction we needed his cooperation and
acquiescence. We told him that the doctor was insisting he go to this place
until he was well enough to go home. It worked, as he was of the generation
of doctors knew best.

Yes, he asked to go home. But home wasn't the ranch house he shared with his
wife, it was to a time and place where the world made sense and felt safe.

Adelle

I am assuming you have a diagnosis in place?  That is pretty crucial.
Proper testing and all of that may make the difference.  It isn't like
simply grabbing someone and trying to "put them away."   You need to have
your doctor on board too.   Have you spoken to an elder law attorney?
These are all part of the groundwork.  Once things are all in place, then
you can make your move.

By the way, almost all alzheimer sufferers sound perfectly logical at times,
especially in the beginning.  My mother in law certainly did.  But a scan
revealed brain changes, and a psychiatric test revealed cognitive deficits.
Perhaps I assumed you had done all this legwork beforehand....?   Sorry... I
should have asked first.

sounding reasonable and actually being able to reason are two
different things.  people can be quite impaired and sound
reasonable, especially if they rarely say anything meaningful and
there isn't much to distract them.

didn't you say she had been diagnosed with ALZ?  yes, if she
really objects, in most states she is entitled to a competency
hearing.  the judge would either consider medical evidence
offered by the DOA, or require a medical exam & opinion.

most of the time, the results of tests like the MMRI would be
enough to convince a judge if they show significant impairment.

you have to remember, and keep repeating to yourself, over and
over "it's not her, it's the damned disease!".

the other thing to remember is YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO FEEL
GUILTY.  you are doing what you need to do to keep her safe and
away from harm, and there is NO reason to feel guilty.

Depending on how long you wait and the stage she's in, it might be two
or three days and she'll have forgotten the upset.

When we put my MIL in the nursing home in November, 2001 (her body is
still there, bed-ridden and only semi-conscious, thanks to this damn
disease), there was no getting her out of the house first, due to her
poor physical condition.  My FIL & husband kept her occupied while I
packed the minimal necessity for her first night, such as a nightgown,
her toiletries, her pillow and a change of clothes, and then we took
her.  She was an emergency placement in the view of the State Department
of Aging, because she wasn't safe to be in her home.  We didn't talk
about where we were going, other than to say that she was going to enjoy
it (it was less than a 5-minute drive).

That was Tuesday.  When we returned on Saturday, she was smiling and
happy for the first time in months.  The medication adjustments that
they did made a world of difference in her.

Beth