Ah but that is another issue altogether.   Avoidance of pain might be a good
cause to limit ones visits, but it would probably be a lot wiser to
understand that some things in life are inevitable, and that finding some
way to deal with them would be a good thing to do.

Buddha said that "Everything that is born, also dies.  Everything that
begins, also ends, and that change is the nature of our existence"

Dealing with loss is a tough one.   I have no idea how I will react if I end
up living longer than my husband, or how he will react if he lives longer
than I do.   But it is as sure as can be that one of us will end up dying
first leaving the other alone.

Rather than moan about it, I am going to live life to the fullest and take
each day as it comes.   If he (or I) develop a disease like alzheimers, we
will work with it the best we can.   I don't say that crying is wrong, but
it solves nothing.   Crying every day won't fix it.    You need to find a
way to just cut the emotions that are destructive, and remember that life is
for the living, and proceed the best you can.

Don, I agree with you.  Right now it is harder on the husband than it is on
the patient, and though the patient forgets things, the husband probably
does not.  My husband's neurologist always told me to look after myself
first.  I think in this case, it would be better too look after the husband
first.  I went to see my husband almost every day when he was in the nursing
home but I didn't cry all the way home.  I did my crying while he was there
so I didn't cry when I knew he had passed on, but God helped me to always be
cheerful and strong when I went to see him.  Only one time did I become
upset while trying to feed him, and asked the attendant to feed him and I
went home.  I think that two or three times a week would be good for him to
go, but others should see him more often.
Gwen

An alternative view is to consider what will he regret more after your
mother passes - spending as much time as possible with his wife or
limiting his visits to keep others' happy?

I agree!!!! your father is already grieving the loss of his wife, just
as I am with my mother. so when it does happen I know in my heart and
same with your father that there will be no regrets on how much he was
there for her. JMO let the man do what makes him happy even if he does
cry it is his grieving that is coming out. But also ----in his own way
he is not abandoning his wife and still making him feel better inside
that he is still there for her.
JJ

There is a difference between visiting daily (or even more than
once a day) and doing as the OP says he is, which is spending
every waking hour there.  I don't think that's healthy, mentally
or physically.  I believe that Hospice grief counseling might
help him through this crisis.