Sorry,I haven't been around here in a long time! I'm still very grateful
though for the help and encouragement I got here. :-)

I saw someone on a TV program this week and the guy talked about a
friend of him and his wife and how the man now had Alzheimers. He said
he looked at the last picture they had taken of their friend, when they
saw him last and the sad part was the dead eyed look in his eyes. Just
no sign of life there at all,even though the man was still living
physically.

That part,that description of how the guy looked or rather didn't look
out of his eyes was what got to me. I thought of Mom and how she is a
certain percent of the time. I can't really say how much. But y'all know
what I mean when I say so much of the time when I do see her,her mind
just isn't there and I have no idea where it's at? It just seems to be
gone at times or way,
way,way out there somewhere and I have no idea in the world where that
somewhere is. That's the painful part in seeing a loved one like that.
They're here physically;but then you see they are not really here
otherwise.

And sometimes when I talk to Mom,it's like I just can't get her
attention. Or I do get her attention some and right in the middle of my
talking to her,she's just gone again. Very frustrating at times and of
course I'm not blaming her because I know she can't help it or do
anything about it. It's just frustrating,you can't blame anyone for
causing the problem and things are just the way they are and that's just
it. And I know this isn't just a guy thing;but there's a pretty big deal
with guys in general where they see a problem,they don't talk about it
much if at all;but instead they think on the problem a bit and then set
out to fix it,as best they can see how. And if the first thing doesn't
work,then they try something else. In general,I would say it's just very
frustrating for a guy to see a problem that needs fixing and there's
just nothing he can do to fix it. I mean nothing,zero,no way. And of
course,that's exactly the way it is with my Mom and Alzheimers. I can
want to fix it all I want,I can greatly desire to do something that will
just make things a little better and yet there is nothing that will make
things even just a little better. There's just nothing that's going to
bring Mom's mind back to what it once was or even close to it. And
that's very hard to accept and that so even though you know such is
true. It seems that so much of our life is based on home. Like OK,this
is bad now;but by and by things will get a bit better and later
on,things might even be good. But then there's none of that in my Mom's
case,given the stage she's in now.

I haven't even checked lately to see if she knows me at times? I think
perhaps she does;but then I don't know for sure and I don't want to push
at her about it to even perhaps find out one way or the other. I'm just
afraid my even doing that a little might upset her too much. And no
doubt,I also have fears that I might learn that she doesn't know me at
all anymore. So it's easier to live with the I don't know for sure,than
to press somethings and maybe find out for sure.

Mostly I've seen Mom in the lunchroom this last winter. I would get to
the nursing home at first,30 to 45 minutes or so before a
mealtime,thinking she would probably be in her room or maybe in her
wheelchair,in the hall or lobby;but she's always been in the lunchroom
and others there too. It took me awhile to figure out, :-) that they had
to do that because it took time to get everyone there,so all would be
there and ready when it was time to start eating and feeding.

One of the times I was with Mom was on her birthday. Took her a little
stuffed doll because I know she likes those. :-) Right away she started
talking to that doll :-) and even started singing a little song to it!
LoL Then I finally got her attention as I gave her her birthday card and
she looked at that. Then after a bit I asked her,do you like that card?
She looked at it,sort of wrinkled up her nose and said no! LoL That I
had to get tickled at! :-) And she soon seemed to be having a good time
with one fold of the card,peeling that apart! :-) It amazes me how well
she can do that! And I think I might very well have a problem getting
that done,if I tried to do it myself! (ha)

Gotta go back and see Mom soon. I've been putting that off for awhile
now,since I got bronchitis a couple of weeks ago. Things are a lot
better now;but I want to be sure that's all cleared up before I go back
to the nursing home. Don't want to maybe carry something like that to
Mom or anyone else there. They've got enough problems without having
something like that added on to the rest.

Getting daylight here this morning. I had a good 2 hours or so of sleep
before a bad dream woke me up last night. Haven't had one of those in
awhile and it was a doozy! The kind of dream where you don't want to go
back to sleep right then :-) and when I got up I even checked the doors
to make sure they were locked! LoL Then let Baby pup out of his pen and
played with him a bit. He's my big protector :-) 'cause he probably
weighs all of 5 pounds sopping wet! LoL

But in my dream I was in a grocery type store,with my older cousins
wife. We got separated when I decided I needed to buy somethings too.
And the next thing I knew I heard her calling me,I woke up,there were
only dim lights left on in the store, pretty dark and the store had
obviously closed and I had fallen asleep there! (ha) Finally went up to
the front of the store and found my cousins wife. Then my dream switched
over to an old TV program I'd saw years ago. The main part was one guy
who was a horrible murderer. He was in town waiting for a guy to get
back so he could kill him. In the meantime 3 or 4 guys came up from
somewhere,he shot one and was getting ready to kill the others and
that's when I woke up for real! LoL Stayed up a couple of hours or so
and finally decided I might as well go take a shower. Got in the
shower,pulled the curtain shut and wouldn't you know it,I started
thinking about that old Alfred Hitchcock movie Psycho,where the woman
was brutally murdered in the shower! :-) So I opened the shower curtain
up a bit,just to assure myself that no one was in the bathroom but me!
LoL

Ah,maybe that's what I get,for eating such a big piece of highly spiced
steak,so late last night! :-) I haven't had a good beefsteak in a long
while;but I cooked and ate a very big one late last night,before going
to bed! LoL