Dear Dana,

Nobody knows how long it is going to be till someone passes.   Maybe
some who see this illness all the time can speculate, but even those
people can tell you they have seen exceptions going either way.
Whatever anyone tells you is going to be a guess.   From what you say
though, your mom's illness is moving rather quickly.   That could be a
blessing in disguise.

When my mother in law first got diagnosed, she realized she had to
trust someone.  At that point she still had some of her facuties left
and was somewhat functional, but just beginning to be impaired.    She
knew she needed to get some legal stuff in place, and fast.  We made
the appointment and fortunately we saw a very excellent elder law
attorney who explained everything in detail that would be needed.

He talked to her in detail about what she wanted, in case of extended
illness, and in the course of discussion she said she wanted to just
jump off the roof of her house to die, if she was sick with something
terminal.   This of course, was not a good option.   He took a lot of
time and showed a lot of patience with her, in explaining every option.
 One thing she did agree about and was anxious to get in writing was
that she didn't want to be in pain.  In signing her health care
directives, she stated what she wanted.   This included the use of pain
medication ........ (get this next phrase)...

*****even though the use of such medications MIGHT shorten her life
*****

The truth of the matter is that pain medications often can and DO
shorten a persons life.   They depress respiration, circulation, and
often they ease the person's passage from this life to the next while
keeping them out of pain.   If you ask me, and if you ask a lot of
people, I think you will find that most people are perfectly OK with
this, and that is why that phrase I highlighted above is included in
the legal paperwork for health directives.   Taking heavy pain meds may
keep you comfortable as you die, but it also may hasten that
eventuality.

If your mom has any kind of health care proxy filled out where you can
make decisions for her, she may have already stated what her
preferences are regarding the use of pain medications etc.   One thing
we have talked about on this newsgroup a few times is how utterly CRUEL
it is to tube feed, or go to extensive means to prolong a persons life
who already has a terminal illness like Alzheimers disease.

If you love your family member, your decisions for them will be based
on their ultimate good, even if that means letting them go in as
painless and dignified a way as possible.    I know how sad and
difficult a time this can be and how hard it is to deal with these
issues and what awful decisions you are called upon to make.   You are
not the first person to see their mother in these kinds of
circumstances, and I assure you that in a nursing home most of the time
the people there are professionals, and they see it all the time.
Talk to them.  Talk to the director, talk to her doctor.    I suggest
that you play it by ear, as they say..... but first talk to the person
in charge of your mothers medical care to get an idea of what sort of
things you can expect, and what they do to keep the person comfortable
when the end is near.

Some people call Hospice in to help both the patient and the family at
this point.   The nursing home where my mother in law was had their own
sort of "hospice" care.   It was excellent, and we have only the
highest praise for them.   My mother in law's passing was gentle.
They did keep her out of severe pain as much as they could, and she had
an illness that was a really bad one on top of the alzheimers.  She had
pancreatic cancer.   We were grateful for the sensitivity that was
shown to her and to us at that time.

At any rate, once you know what the policy is there, you take it one
day at a time and hope for the best.

Good luck to you and your mom.

Evelyn

Dana, this is very sad to hear.

My Aunt died from the effects of alzheimers.  She began to show
symptoms several months after my own Mother died.  It started with her
becoming EXTREMELY forgetful.

Within several months my Uncle (also suffering from dementia) had put
her in a pretty nice home right down the road from their house.

Without going into a bunch of depressing details, I don't believe it
took much more, if even a year for her to die.  Unfortunately, it's
different for everybody in how long it takes.  I have a colleague at
work who's Mother was in a home for YEARS.  It took so long that colon
cancer ended up killing her before her alzheimers - that's not to scare
or depress you.  That isn't the norm.

As for you wanting your Mother to go.... Well, I don't believe you're
the first person going through this to wish for it to end, and I doubt
you'll be the last.  It's a helpless feeling to know you can't do a
thing to help them.  I hated the way it felt.

Charles R. Whealton
Charles Whealton @ pleasedontspam.com

Oh Dana - I feel for you and understand fully what you are saying. My Mum
has just recently had to move into a nursing home . She is very frail and
weak.

She got pneumonia and the Doctors said she wouldn't live the night out - but
she did - but of course she could no longer look after herself.

She has dementia and has started wandering so they have moved her to a
secure wing.

She is very sad and it breaks my heart every time I see her.

Quality of life  - that  is the thing I have the most trouble with. Where
is her quality of life now. She just sits on the side of her bed and cries.
She doesn't seem to know who I am anymore.
She eats, sleeps and sits. So very sad.

Old age sucks - I hope I don't live long enough to have to go through what
Mum is facing.

Val

I wish I could give you good news and say that this means she'll go
fast.  My MIL has been at that stage for 3 1/2 years.  She managed to
outlive her hospice benefits from Medicare, so she's back in "regular"
nursing home care, having been in the home for 5 years as of
Thanksgiving week.

I hope for your mother's sake that she does not linger the way my MIL has.

Beth