John....I know how it hurts to have to make these hard decisions but they
must be made.   The reality is that it's becoming "unworkable" for your
mother to be left alone.   A friend at work many years ago lost his
grandmother.   It was 2 AM in the morning and it was foggy.   She was
carrying a laundry basket in the middle of a highway near her home.   Not
only was she a victim but the man whose car hit her as well.   This is a
drastic scenario, I know but you get the picture.  My Mother is in assisted
living and has only SS as well.   She saved and invested so I figure it will
last as long as she needs it.  It's time to check with Social Services to
see what's out there.   The internet is a good way to check things out too.
http://www.state.tn.us/humanserv/adfam/afs_ssbg.htm   Good Luck and don't
delay.   You can do what you have to do and survive.   Many of us have
already "been there done that" and have been in your shoes.....June

John,

I'm sorry to hear this is happening to your family, too.  We had a
period of four or five years when my mother in law had a very close
friend living next door to help keep her out of trouble. We had to do
things like making sure she couldn't turn on her cook stove and burn
her house down around her- etc. Finally we had to move her in with us.

Like you we thought it would be a nightmare but we had no choice. There
were some bumps in that road but not nearly as bad as we had
anticipated. In some regards her mental lapses were a blessing as she
didn't really remember that she had left her own home. The next hard
decision came when we had to move her to the nursing home. We lost her
three years ago.

John, in our county the main hospital operates an Alzhaimers's Support
Group that meets once per month - free. They share information and the
families who come there shared there experiences and helped support one
another. I would recommend taking advantage of something like that if
it is available there. It won't help your mother but it can really help
you. Where in Tennessee - city? I'll help search fi it will help you.

Please feel free to post here or email me privately if you need to
talk.

Bill

John, having been through this, I know how very hard it is. All of the
choices seem terrible.

However, you have to really deal with who she is now, and not who she
was before she got sick. Everything you believe about her, what she
thinks, what motivates her, what is important to her - thats all about
who she was when her brain was intact.

She will never, ever agree to change of any kind, no matter how
carefully you explain, how eloquently you argue, how emotional and
heartfelt your plea. She has lost the ability to reason. She has no
insight into her own limitations. You will never get her permission,
agreement or endorsement. Stop waiting for it.

Its time - and  your options are limited.
This is as good as it gets. It gets worse. Much worse.
She can't stay where she is. She can't live alone. She needs
supervision and support 24/7.
She is at the stage in the illness where every loss will seem major.
She will go down hill irrespective of where she is.
Shortly, it will not really matter where she is. All places will be
equally unfamiliar and scary. Heck, by mid AD, my mother in law forgot
she was ever married. She signed cards with her maiden name, and she
thought she lived in her parents home (where she hadn't lived for half
a century). So much for believing she was hugely attached to the
marital home. Her memory had deleted almost all of her adult life.
You have to make choices based on flinty eyed realism of both her
problems, her coming deterioration, and your home situation. You may
want to care for her at home but it may not be the best choice for
anyone. It may not be realistic, safe, do-able etc. Know yourself, and
think 24/7 and the potential for this to go on for years. Be realistic
about what you can provide physically and emotionally.
Going into an institutional setting will not kill her. It will upset
you more than her. She will adapt and may even thrive on the social
interactions.

Hang in, hang in, hang in! The hardest time is this space between
recognizing the need for action and actually doing what needs doing.
This is the angst laden time. You will feel better when you stop
resisting i.e. when you realize your choices are limited, and none of
them pretty, and you pick one and go for it.

M