it's frustrating, because I have experience which could be helpful to her -
my MIL being several years ahead of him -  and I do care.... wish she was
more receptive to talking to me

I have tried to visit, but when its a 5+ hour drive and I have to get
sitters for here and so on ...I'm not willing to do what my sister does and
just 'show up'  and take my chances that they'll be home....  its not like
travelling that far is a minor deal!  Calling ahead ALWAYS results in
reasons why they can't possibly be home that day ... or, if she's not home,
and he says sure, he'll be there ....he tells her, and she will call my
sister and tell her to tell me not to go as it's "not convenient"

*sigh*

hadn't seen that one yet, thanks...

I hope tomorrow is a better one, Steve.....

Yes, making peace in some manner that is acceptable to HER might work.   But
Lee might need to be prepared to step back and have to put her own wishes
aside.   Being a stepmother is difficult, having one is probably more so.
But all people have their own agendas, and being ready to accommodate
someone elses, lends itself more towards peacemaking.    Compromising, and
working with her rather than placing oneself in opposition might help a bit.
Of course, I say this speaking in generalities, I don't know either
party..... apologies if it doesn't seem to fit.

if it were a matter of differences or past arguments or ....anything that
could be defined.... perhaps.... but there is nothing in our past

my father would bring her to visit before they got married and she would
either refuse to get out of the car, or if she did, would sit on my couch
with her arms folded, refusing all offers of refreshment or attempts at
conversations with one word answers.

When I would visit him at their house, she most often would just up and
leave - once, even though my father was not home. No words spoken - not
"he's _______ and will be home ______", not goodbye, I'm going out, ....
just .... nothing.

she did speak to me once, when she was a ~tad~ inebriated at their wedding -
all sorts of sappy stuff about trying harder, lets really talk, etc etc ...
but no effort on her part to follow through in any way...and while I did
try, I got tired of beating my head against that particular wall.

I continued to try to visit him... but it was always an uncomfortable
experience and my father started making excuses every time I suggested
visiting.

Once, my daughter had a hockey tournament within a half an hour of where
they lived.... I made the mistake of mentioning it to him, hoping that
perhaps we might visit - they went away that weekend.  I did end up seeing
him - by staying over an extra night and calling him and dragging him out
for coffee during most of which he just fussed over how mad she was going to
be.

Used to call him once a month .... these days I just send cards; have had
quite enough rejection from him. I understand that he's dependent on her -
if my calling him makes her even more bitchy than she has always been in my
experience, I'm sure he prefers that I not call.  God knows if he even gets
my cards; I don't.

The only involvement I have is through my sister -  and tis the way it shall
remain, I think ...all I can really do is provide her with information that
she then tries to get to them in a way that is not rejected outright.