someone sent me this, and it is gorgeous.... enjoy and turn up your speakers

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Evelyn Ruut - 10 Sep 2006 12:12 GMT

http://parentswish.com/site01/big.html

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Best Regards,

Evelyn
(to reply to me personally, remove 'sox')

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Susan Kohn - 10 Sep 2006 22:32 GMT

I sent this to my son with the reminder that it is my wish to be allowed to
go peacefully long before things get too traumatic -- or at least as
traumatic as they are with my mother right now. Her paranoia is growing
daily to a point that it is getting in the way of her getting care (at least
from me) -- fortunately, her "good daughter" has just moved back into the
area so there is someone else who can care for her and she can be suspicious
of -- cause I've been doing this for 5 years and I'm about done being the
bad one!!

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>
> http://parentswish.com/site01/big.html

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Bud - 10 Sep 2006 22:39 GMT

> of -- cause I've been doing this for 5 years and I'm about done being the
> bad one!!

Reminds me of a son's favorite saying, "No good deed goes unpunished." LOL!

Bud

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Evelyn Ruut - 10 Sep 2006 22:55 GMT

>I sent this to my son with the reminder that it is my wish to be allowed to
>go peacefully long before things get too traumatic -- or at least as
[quoted text clipped - 4 lines]
>suspicious of -- cause I've been doing this for 5 years and I'm about done
>being the bad one!!

Susan, I can sympathize with you 100% My 93 year old father is paranoid
too, and totally hate-filled. He is angry at me and blames me for all the
miseries of his life. Oddly enough I am the one who has been kindest to
him, bringing him gifts and making a great effort to stay near him, calling
him, visiting him.... all to get abused for it, and without any cause
whatsoever. Last year it was my brother who was on his hate list and my
sister and I were on his "OK" list. So now it is come around to being my
turn. There is never anything rational behind it, we have to just chalk it
up to vascular deficiencies to his brain.

Meanwhile he is dirty, his house is dirty, his clothing is dirty and he
won't let anyone wash or clean. He has developed a "thing" about using
the washer and dryer, and has actually disconnected the clothes dryer so no
one can use it. He seldom flushes the toilet (uses too much water). His
doctor has suggested he ought to take Zoloft, but he refuses. There was a
woman who lived there and helped him out (an old friend) and he drove her
out with his miserly ways. Now he cries and begs her to come back.

So believe me, I know, I know...... have courage. This too will pass
eventually......:-(

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Best Regards,

Evelyn
(to reply to me personally, remove 'sox')

>> http://parentswish.com/site01/big.html

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Susan Kohn - 11 Sep 2006 00:18 GMT

I just wish that she wouldn't spread her paranoia to everyone she knows --
she writes to people and tells them the "horrible" things I've done to her
(supposedly) -- so I end up defending myself to people who don't believe
that there's anything wrong with her -- this is that hard time, before a
person is totally out of it but when they don't remember everything -- and
those of us who are caregivers are really vunerable to accusation.

Evelyn, I'm so sorry that your father is doing this also -- could you call
adult protective services to look in on him? They might be able to get him
to take some services that he won't accept from you.

As Tiny Tim said: "God Bless us everyone".

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see my website at: www.susansfunplace.com

>
>>I sent this to my son with the reminder that it is my wish to be allowed
[quoted text clipped - 29 lines]
>>>
>>> http://parentswish.com/site01/big.html

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Evelyn Ruut - 11 Sep 2006 01:50 GMT

>I just wish that she wouldn't spread her paranoia to everyone she knows --
>she writes to people and tells them the "horrible" things I've done to her
>(supposedly) -- so I end up defending myself to people who don't believe
>that there's anything wrong with her --

I am going through the same thing. He can remember every time I ever
mouthed off to him as a teenager, or any other offense, real or imagined,
and his perceptions are so skewed it is pitiful. I am 65 now and this
paranoia and ancient stuff is still ruling his consciousness. Susan, there
is just nothing we can do when they do this. You just have to back off and
let them stew in their own hatred. Fortunately, your sister will see soon
enough what you are going through. My father was totally monstrous to my
poor brother last year. Now it is my turn to bear the brunt of his rage.

The sad thing is that I know the real reason he is like this. He is filled
with rage that my mother dared to die and leave him (in 2000) and he has a
very limited range of emotions with which to work. He also has no religious
affiliation and anger is the only way he has ever dealt with fear,
frustration, craving, you name it. He is an emotional johnny one-note.

this is that hard time, before a

> person is totally out of it but when they don't remember everything -- and
> those of us who are caregivers are really vunerable to accusation.

One man came here a few years ago and told some horror stories about this
very kind of thing. My mother in law was the original reason I came to
this group because she had alzheimers. She did get a bit paranoid, but
since my husband is her only child, she had to acquiesce and trusted him to
look after her best interest. We did so very well, to the best of our
ability, and she died a year and a half ago. My mother in law never got so
nasty as my father is, but then she wasn't basically a nasty person. She
also agreed to take medication when the doctor said she needed it. She had
a good few years before she passed away. I wish my father was able to bend
with the winds of change a little.

> Evelyn, I'm so sorry that your father is doing this also -- could you call
> adult protective services to look in on him? They might be able to get
> him to take some services that he won't accept from you.

My sister is the one in control just now. My brother lived there for a
while to help, and my father threw him out for no reason at all, just to be
difficult. She has called the senior services people in his town and there
are all sorts of good things available to him. He won't go to the senior
center nor will he go along with anything that we or they suggest.

> As Tiny Tim said: "God Bless us everyone".

You can't fix them, you can only fix yourself. Back off and let your
sister deal with her for a while and hope for the best. And if you pray,
do so. Not so much for his benefit, but because it helps you. This is
what helps me a lot. I detach from the situation and wish him peace.

Signature

Best Regards,

Evelyn
(to reply to me personally, remove 'sox')

>>>I sent this to my son with the reminder that it is my wish to be allowed
>>>to go peacefully long before things get too traumatic -- or at least as
[quoted text clipped - 28 lines]
>>>>
>>>> http://parentswish.com/site01/big.html

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Susan Kohn - 11 Sep 2006 02:02 GMT

Thanks for your wisdom and good wishes Evelyn. I wish the same to you. I
remember how good you were to your mother in law, in spite of her years of
treating you less than positively. You are a real inspiration to me as I
try to remember to remain calm in spite of my mother's behavior.

My sister -- who has been living on the west coast until this week, will be
leaving town again until the beginning of November to travel with her
children so she will not be a help to me in caring for my mother now or in
the future as she is planning to leave on an extended trip again in the
spring. So if my mother is to be cared for, it will be by me and I'm not in
a good place for that right now. <sigh>

Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement, I don't post here often but
have been reading here for almost 5 years and have received inspiration from
all.

Susan

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>
>>I just wish that she wouldn't spread her paranoia to everyone she knows --
[quoted text clipped - 83 lines]
>>>>>
>>>>> http://parentswish.com/site01/big.html

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Tumbleweed - 11 Sep 2006 07:59 GMT

Evelyn, you promised us you had cut off contact with your father!!

:-(

From what you have posted here of his behaviour all your life, I dont
understand why you dont leave him alone and get on with your life, sounds
like you are allowing him to depress you.

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Tumbleweed

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tumbleweednews at hotmail dot com

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Evelyn Ruut - 11 Sep 2006 11:39 GMT

> Evelyn, you promised us you had cut off contact with your father!!
> :-(
>
> From what you have posted here of his behaviour all your life, I dont
> understand why you dont leave him alone and get on with your life, sounds
> like you are allowing him to depress you.

Hi "T"

No, I haven't completely cut off contact. I call him every week or so to
see how he is doing. It was going just fine till the other day. I have
no idea what set him off again. I am not going to put up with his
nonsense and will not be calling for a long time again.

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Best Regards,

Evelyn
(to reply to me personally, remove 'sox')

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