 |
 | Home | Contact Us | FAQ | Search & Site Map | Link to Us |
 | Sign In | Join | Other 45 Sites in Network |
Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Alzheimer's / August 2006Responses to 'How's your mom doing?'
Hello - I've read this group off and on for some time, this is my first post. My mom was diagnosed with late-early to mid stage Alzheimer's in June of 2005. I had suspected something beyond 'old age' and 'occasional forgetfulness' was going on for a number of years. Until I moved her out to Seattle where I now live, the doctors in our hometown pretty much brushed me off or said perhaps she had a mini-stroke at some time. I'm her closest relative and the only decision maker at this point. Next closest relatives are grandchildren who still live back east and aren't in touch very often. In the 2-1/2 years my mom has lived here, she's gone from an Assisted Living facility where her only help was with medications to the adult family home where she now lives. Her ability to manage basic personal care tasks has diminished very rapidly and she now needs and gets help with washing, toileting and eating. Over the past few months, she seems to be forgetting how to get up and walk and recently has been confined to a wheelchair. That's the basic background. What I could use help with is how to respond to questions, both from family and friends, inquiring how Mom's doing. Invariably, she is always doing worse than the last time we spoke; she's been on a steady decline for the past 6 months. I did send a letter to all family and all of her old friends (including folks who hadn't been in touch for some time) last January saying that she had been diagnosed with dementia and that if they had been meaning to check in with her, sooner was better than later. My actual wording was a bit less bleak, but I wanted to be sure and get across the point that she was definitely declining and might not recall who they were if they waited much longer. Anyway - I realized while talking with an old friend of mine yesterday that there is so much information and I'm so close to it I'm probably telling my friend far more than she actually wants or needs to know. I wish there were something positive I could report but it's often tough to find much if anything that's remotely upbeat. On the other hand, I don't want to paint a rosier picture than is the case, then have someone call her and be shocked at her difficulty participating in or sustaining a conversation. What do folks with more experience do? Thanks in advance for any ideas - Stumped in Seattle Chinook, we didn't have too many friends away from where we lived so everyone knew that Grayson had been diagnosed with Alzheimers Disease (AD). While I could still leave him at home while I attended church or ran errands, my answer to everybody was, "he's about the same". Nobody really wanted me to go into details and there really wasn't much I could have told them. They all seemed satisfied and dropped the subject. Gwen > Hello - > [quoted text clipped - 46 lines] > > Stumped in Seattle Both of my parents suffered from dementia before they died and I sometimes had difficulty talking about it, both before and after they died. I can't tell if the difficulty you are having is like what I had, but I can tell you about my experience. Perhaps it will help. My first instinct has always been to "cover" for declines in my parents. I didn't want people to think ill of them. I didn't want friends and relatives to pity my parents or to write them off as human beings. I still feel that way. I remember my Mom and Dad as fine, capable, intelligent human beings. I want others to think of them that way too. But I've come to a different understanding of what all that means and of what happened to them at the end. I have come to believe that the tragedies that happen to some of us as we age don't really take away anything from what we have been and what we have done in our lives. It doesn't really demean our parents to speak openly of what has happened to them. Most adults that we talk to understand that (children are another matter.) I no longer feel that it is disloyal to my parents, or that it takes anything away from them, to speak openly of their battles with dementia. If people ask me about it I just tell the simple truth. For most people, inquiring out of politeness and concern for you, it is probably satisfactory to say something like, "She is declining steadily, but she's doing the best that she can." Most will probably not ask for details. If they do, I see no harm in supplying them. I think that will usually work pretty well. Alan > What do folks with more experience do? > Thanks in advance for any ideas - Just really echoing the above.. In reply to inquiries re: "How is she doing?" I usually reply "Same ol' same ol'." and add (when necessary) that she continues her downhill slide. That usually suffices for most people who ask mostly to be polite and show their concern. Bud Chinook, Welcome! I sometimes find myself answering the same question with more information than I mean to. It's like opening an overfull closet - it just pours out. I feel most comfortable saying "Larry is struggling," or "We're taking this a day at a time." Then if they want more detail I'm happy to share. The exception is my family, Larry's sons, and our close friends who understand that I often need to unload chapter and verse. Ruth > Hello - > > I've read this group off and on for some time, this is my first post. > > My mom was diagnosed with late-early to mid stage Alzheimer's in June of > 2005. > snip > Anyway - I realized while talking with an old friend of mine yesterday > that there is so much information and I'm so close to it I'm probably [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > > Stumped in Seattle > What do folks with more experience do? first of all, i'm the third generation in my family here, so my replies were conditioned on a number of factors. i wanted to preserve her dignity for acquaintances, particularly if they knew her primarily through organizations like her church, eastern star, historical society, etc. at the same time, if her close friends wanted to know how she really was, i would be less vague (for some, quite explicit) about her condition. in addition to worsening cognitive abilities, my mother was physically deteriorating with osteoporosis, arthritis, and COPD (emphysema & congestive heart failure). i just tried to keep an eye out for that eyes-glazing-over look, or the oh-i-really-don't-want-to-know look, but sometimes i missed the signal. in most cases, i think that when that happened folks assumed that i was stressed out. so the responses were predicated on questions like: does this person really want to know, or is she/he just trying to be polite? why is this person concerned? is this person in a similar situation to me (caregiver for a parent)? are/were they a close friend? for those who were inquiring politely, and would probably never come by for a visit (she lived a block from her church) i would just say something about her continuing to decline or she's just slowing down or that she just couldn't keep up everything (garden, volunteering) like she used to. > Anyway - I realized while talking with an old friend of mine yesterday > that there is so much information and I'm so close to it I'm probably [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > > Stumped in Seattle A lot depended on whom I was addressing. I tried to let her old friends know how she really was doing, but at the same time I would stress that she was getting her proper medication and was now eating well and cared for, since beforehand, she wasn't. For other people, I would say "about the same" or something like that. They usually didn't really want to know anyway.  SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') |
Reply to this Message |
 Sign In
 Join
 My Latest Posts My Monitored Threads My Blog My Photo Gallery My Profile My Homepage Start New Thread Enable EMail Alerts Rate this Thread
|
©2009 Advenet LLC Privacy Policy - Terms of Use
This website includes both content owned or controlled by Advenet as well as content owned or controlled by third parties.