Hi all.  I've only been lurking here for about a week but thought perhaps it
was time to jump in with a question.

A little background - well, maybe not so "little".  My mother, age 78, has
been diagnosed with dementia.  We've done all the rule-outs for fixable
causes so it looks like if it isn't Alzheimer's it might as well be.

Mom is aware that she is confused and that she has memory lapses and losses.
She is frustrated by that when she realizes it but accepts that we are
trying to help her.  I can't tell if she actually understands what is wrong
but she doesn't seem to expect that any of her doctors are going to be able
to make it all better again.   Mom is still able to manage in her own home
and can be left alone for short periods.  We have taken her car keys.  We
have all the legal stuff under control.

My older brother lives with my mother.  I am about an hour away and another
brother is two hours+ away.  We are all (knock wood) working together well.
The brother who lives with Mom is, understandably, getting extremely
stressed.  Although he's willing, I don't think he will be able to handle
everything as the disease progresses.  Certainly not alone.

And my mother also has moderate COPD - uses oxygen at night and as needed
during the day, breathing is pretty well controlled with current drug
regimen.  Mom's house is a split level and this will eventually become a
problem - if not because of the Alzheimer's, then because of the breathing.
She is steady on her feet right now but the neurologist has warned us that
she has a spinal stenosis and that it will eventually, almost certainly,
affect her balance while walking.

Mom says she is willing to move.  She bought this house about three years
ago and has no emotional attachment to it.  She has expressed concern that
the time will come when she will not be able to manage the stairs.  She has
talked about buying another house and moving almost since she moved in.

So, we have what seems to all of the other family members to be a reasonable
solution.  My husband and I have been discussing moving out of our house -
getting down off a windy hill and closer to civilization.  We are looking at
houses in an area about half-way between where we currently live
(considering also that my husband has elderly parents including his mother
who has a serious heart condition and is in hospice - they live about a mile
from where we are now) and where my mother lives.  It would be close enough
to continue with my mother's current doctors and maintain at least the
illusion of remaining in the community she has lived in for years.  It would
also be close enough to still keep the connections we need.  We have figured
out (at least in theory) what we will need to make a household of four
adults work.  It is financially possible for us to do this.  I think with a
"tag team" approach - aided by additional respite time from the other
brother - that we'll be able to cope with the whole situation better and for
a longer time.

But - the big BUT - how do we go about discussing this with Mom?  If we tell
her about it before we even have a house, she will drive us all (herself
included) crazy with the constant questioning and worrying that she will do.
And yet, presenting her with the house and the move as a fait accompli risks
a whole other set of problems if she refuses to move.  I know she will be
upset that we would sell our house and move because of her.  So we are
making a list of all the other reasons why we all want to do this.

We have told her that my husband and I are looking at houses in the area and
that there are people looking at our current house to buy it.  Mom has
remembered this from day to day but her reaction is "duller" than it would
have been in the past.  Since it may be weeks or months before we find an
appropriate house to buy, I don't want to start her worrying about a move
before I have to.  But I also don't want to have committed myself
financially to a house (this particular move would be temporary for us - for
the duration only) just to find that she is adamant about not moving.

I'm sure also that the move itself - and adjusting to a new neighborhood -
will be extremely stressful for Mom.  Her friends would still be close
enough to visit although most of them have already drifted away.  Her life
already revolves entirely around us so I'm thinking that will help in her
adjustment.

Any thoughts from the more experienced about either of these issues - how to
handle preparation before the move and what we might expect after?

Thanks,
Judy