Hello all!

I've been a lurker in this group for awhile now and decided I needed to
introduce myself and hope to get some advice. I can see that this is a
very supportive group and I'm glad I'm now a part of it. This may end
up being very long. I'm sorry to have you read so much but I feel I'm
nearly in over my head after 4 years.

First a little background. My father passed away in 1986 after being
married to mom for 40 years. He died instantly of a massive heart
attack here at home. Mom has never stopped missing him or wishing he
was still here. I am their only child and adopted. Mom and dad always
had a good marriage but I sense some control issues with mom when I was
younger. After my dad died, it only got worse. She began her attempts
at controlling me and my actions and activities not long after dad
died. Mom and I never really got along as well as I did with my dad. I
know she resents that. When I came home for the funeral, she was too
busy pointing out my dad's faults and insecurities to notice that I was
really hurt. She even went as far as telling me he was seeing another
woman. She did this while at the funeral home awaiting the viewing. I
politely told her that this wasn't the time to discuss this. She
dropped it for awhile but things steadily declined from there.

Fast forward to nearly 4 years ago. I had lost my good job I had in
Ohio and decided to move back home. I talked to mom about it and we
agreed that I would come back home to help her with her life and take
care of her. Little did I know how bad her decline was during the 2
short years I was away. Mom is comfortable financially now but was more
so 2 years ago. She made a really bad financial decision that will cost
her half of her investments. When I got home she immediately started
nagging me about finding a job and "doing my own thing". I repeatedly
explained to her about our deal and started drawing unemployment. This
lasted about 5 months until I had heard enough. I got a part time
morning job and was home a little after 12pm. I came home one day to
see her pulling in the driveway. I followed her in and watched her. She
was definitely acting funny. (She had severe bronchitis about 2 weeks
earlier and they put her on an antibiotic and prednisone.) She got out
of the car and just stared at it and suddenly realized she needed to
close the car door and did. I asked her if she was fine and she said
yes. During this illness, I put her meds on the kitchen table every
morning before I left. We got in the house and I noticed her meds were
gone. Well this was a whole days worth of meds she admitted she'd taken
before 9am. To make this story shorter, she ended up in the hospital
for 5 days. She was finally diagnosed with Sundowners and Steriod
Psycosis. She'd overdosed herself on the Prednisone and it sent her
into the twilight zone literally. At that time, the dr told me that
this episode would affect her short term memory. It may improve over
time or get worse. Well, it's gotten worse, much worse.

I finally got her to agree to see a Geriatrics doctor. We made our appt
and she actually went. I managed to call the dr beforehand and let him
know my concerns with her memory. He or the nurse rather gave her the
memory test and she promptly flunked it. But the dr wouldn't diagnose
her with Alzheimers or Dementia. He diagnosed her with a memory
disfunction and put her on a sample pack of Aricept. That seem to be
helping some and then the muscle cramps started. Cramps are a side
affect and it seemed mom was very prone to having them. She'd had leg
cramps all her life and we were hoping that this wouldn't happen. We
had to take her off of this and have not put her on anything else.

If you are still with me this far, here's the problem. She's sweet as
sugar and nice as can be when we are at the dr. She's really paranoid
when we are not there. She repeats things very frequently and asks the
same questions over and over. She told me she resents me because I
killed my father. I didn't come home the last Christmas before he died
and have never forgiven myself for this. She said that he grieved
himself to death and wanted to write me out of the will and be done
with it. This was in no way the way my father thought about me. I know
this in my heart. She truly believes that I'm living here with her to
take her money, her car, and her possesions away from her. She doesn't
believe I do anything for her and only KEEP her from doing what she
wants. She thinks the montly bills are a ploy to take all of her money.
She complains of being broke all the time but has more money in her
checking account than I make in a year!!  She is on oxygen 16-24 hours
a day (or should be) and has been diagnosed with COPD due to the years
of smoking and Neuropathy. She also has nerve damage in her back and
this is making her feet go numb, burn, hurt, etc. She cannot remember
how to work her portable oxygen tank when we are out. She cannot be in
this heat very long before she is gasping and cannot breathe. Her feet
and legs start getting shaky with a simple grocery run to a very small
store. By the time she gets to the car she can barely breathe or walk.
She will NOT consider that she has a problem. She still thinks she can
go and do what she wants including driving. I will not even go into
here some of the things she has said and accused me of. It's all
ridiculous. I have taken her spare car keys out of her purse without
her knowledge. I cannot get her to quit driving. She doesn't understand
why I want this. If she cannot feel her feet on the petals, she can't
stop in time. If she gets to where she's going, what will she do when
she gets there. She can't work her oxygen tank and can't walk very far
without it. When she's finished, will she remember how to get home??

I don't know what to do about this now. She won't listen to me at all.
I know that they tend to take their frustrations out on the caregiver.
This I understand and I do keep telling myself it's not my mother
talking it's the disease. I think she needs to be in an assisted
facility somewhere. She can't do things alone, will not ask me to do
anything at all, and when I do accuses me of taking over things. Best
of all, she brags about waiting until I leave to do things; such as
picking up limbs in the back yard, washing clothes, or smoking with her
oxygen on. I'm worried for her safety and not sure how to proceed.
Advice would be very helpful.

I do so apologize for the really long letter. I've just had another
round with her tonight. All because I wanted to go on a date.

Thanks for your time!
Vicki