Hi,

I have some advice, but somehow even with all you have written above, and
considering your last paragraph I fear you may not be inclined to listen,
but I hope you will consider it.

Please don't do this to yourself.   You say everyone is telling you that you
are crazy to consider taking them to live with you.   I am telling you the
same thing and I only know what you have told me.  Presumably the others
know all the parties concerned.   It would be a terrible mistake, and you
will be letting yourself in for the worst misery of your life if you do it
anyway.

You say your sister is "playing martyr" ...... have you considered that she
is actually martyring herself (not playing) and that you are considering
doing the same thing?   Do you think he would end up cursing you for the
same reasons he curses her?   I do.

You can't turn back the clock.   No matter how brilliant he was, you are not
dealing with what was, you will be dealing with what "is" right now.    A
difficult man who is nearly getting himself kicked out of assisted living,
will be far worse if you take him to live with you, simply because you are
his daughter and he is used to getting his way.   Soon you will be running
yourself ragged just like your sister is, and killing yourself trying to
deal with an irrational person.

Also, how long do you think a professional nurse will stay on the job if she
is faced with the kind of personality issues you have described?    Like
anyone else, they pick and choose their jobs, and there just may not be
enough money to put up with someone who has severe problems.    You may end
up experiencing a turnover, or worse yet, someone who maybe can't get other
jobs for some serious reason.

For your own sake, I truly hope you listen to those who are advising you.
You are allowing your emotions and memories of better days to draw you in.
This is a decision that needs to be made with a clear head.

yes, you are crazy to even consider this.

Certainly in the experience of most everyone here, people dont 'stabilise',
they get worse = more difficult to look after.
A few months back I had occasion to look after a seriously ill person for a
short time. I am pretty fit, but to get them to the toilet once, with my
partner, was a massive job, and at that point we realised we simply couldnt
do that even short term, it wasnt physically possible for us. You are
talking about caring for _two_ people in that state, one with a disruptive
illness. What happens when your father decides to run off to the casino,
whilst your mother needs help at the same time?

I wrote a lot more here then deleted it, just add everything that Evelyn
said, especially about your sister, dont be so hard on her, what makes you
think you wont be like that in a few weeks once you are in the same
circumstances as her?

Lifi:

This is hard, no question.  But I wouldn't be hard on your Sister.
They're her parents also and I'm sure that like you, she loves both of
them very much.  It can slowly drive you insane having to deal with
somebody suffering from bipolar disorder.

Is your Father on any type of medication?  And more importantly, is he
actually taking it (as opposed to hiding/cheeking it)?

Like the others here, I've seen the effects of bipolar disorder.  It's
not easy, but medication CAN help...

Best of luck...

Charles R. Whealton
Charles Whealton @ pleasedontspam.com

you are.  as you would learn if you had ever attended a program
for children of alcholics, or a NAMI family support group for
family members of the mentally ill, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
YOUR LOVED ONE'S PROBLEMS OR ILLNESS, AND YOU CANNOT FIX THEM.
they can only fix themselves, something mentally ill folks are
not capable of doing because lack of insight into the illness is
part of the disease.

DON'T DO IT.  your parents will get far better care in faciity
from folks who arrive for their 8 hour shift rested, and who can
leave the problem at work when they leave.

i supported my bipolar mom so that she could live at home for
most of the last 10 years, and it was hell keeping her on her
meds.  only the threat of being hospitalized if she got off her
meds and became manic kept her taking them, but it was a constant
battle.  she had emphysema and pulmonary edema (congestive heart
failure).  hypoxia-caused memory problems (she refused to use
oxygen even when she really needed it) eventually led to her
getting off her meds, her blood pressure going sky high, and
several mini-strokes which resulted in dementia, a manic episode,
and high anxiety, before she had to go into a group home.

as the serenity prayer says, have the wisdom to understand that
there are some things you can't change, and accept that.

Lili, has your father been assessed for dementia, on top of the bipolar
issues? It would explain a lot.

The thing is, it isn't realistic to expect them to "stabilize" at ages
78 and 88 respective. They are both going to decline physically due to
age and infirmity, and if your dad has Alzheimer's or something
similar, he will for sure continue to get worse and worse, irrespective
of where he is or what medical help he gets.

Its a sweet wistful notion that you could look after them in a private
home setting, but it is absolutely NOT a realistic plan. Who they are
now is the reality, and this is as good as it gets - its all downhill
from here, so if they are hard to handle today, they will not be easier
in 6 months or a year.

Mary G

I totally agree with the others. Don't do this to yourself. In the long
run it will be harder for them to adapt again to the changes if you
take them home, can't manage, and have to place them again.  You also
have to think about tthe dangers to yourself and your mother at home
with your father.  In the facility, hopefully, he is receiving care
from a mental health professional also.  The staff at the facility can
monitor his behaviors and not be as personally affected by them as you
would. They are used to dealing with behavioral aspects of residents.
I do think you should have him evaluated for Dementia.  Transistions
such as he's had can exerbate behaviors and bring out new ones in
persons with Dementia.  With my normally calm MIL, each time she had a
major transition, her behaviors became worse for a period of time til
she adjusted and became used to the routine. With your father having
Bipolar, if he does have Dementia, the effects would be increased with
his behavioral outburst (not always but very probable).  I think taking
him home would soon wear you out.  Your sister may be realistic in what
she's telling you. Unless someone is there actually dealing with the
onslaught, it's hard to know the reality of what's happening at times
because you don't hear what he's saying or doing firsthand.

With my own family, my mother and aunt finally listened to me after my
grandmother ran off her livein caregiver and placed her. Turned out
she'd known the lady wasn't returning after the holiday and didn't tell
them, thinking she could force my mom to go back to town and live with
her or make my aunt move in. She already wore them out even though she
had a live in helper.  I tried telling them she had some Dementia also
but they refused to accept it. They let her manipulate them into
running down there every day just about, staying the night, even though
they already paid someone to live in.

Since the home they moved her to brought her closer to my mom, she
switched her daily multiple phone calls. demands, complaints, and
tirades to my mom instead of my aunt.  My mom finally undestood that
her sister was not exaggerating how my grandmother behaved.  My aunt
backed away  for her own health and sanity and my mom quickly saw how
it was for my aunt when she was the closest one.  My dad finally had to
put down his foot on Mom running to the facility in the middle of the
night for calls that were manipulative rather than emergency in nature.
My grandmother could get nasty with them if no one else was around.
With staff she was overly sweet and not complaining.  For a month, I
covered weekends  third shift when I was short staffed and saw first
hand that my grandmother was sleeping well.  However, when she'd get up
to use the bathroom, she'd start making those middle of the night calls
to my mom complaining.  She finally adjusted and realized that neither
of them was taking her back home to live with her and she settled in at
the facility.

My advice is to listen to your sister with an open mind. Don't assume
she's making it sounds worse than it is.  Be there if possible to see
what she's actually dealing with from him.  But if you're determined to
take him home no matter what anyone says,  don't do it without lining
up a support system, back up caregivers, and psychiatric help for him.
One person can not deal with what you will experience with your father
24/7  365 days a year without adverse affects on their own health
without support systems in place. Even then, you may well find that
it's not a managable situation.

Dealing with declining parents is a very emotionally charged time.  All
the baggage of unresolved family issues plays a big big part in this
unfolding drama. Whatever unresolved conflicts that have been bubbling
on the back burner for your lifetime they will now reappear with a
vengeance.

The more you understand about your own deeper personal reasons for
wanting to have your parents move back into their house and also have
you join them the better you will be at making good practical
responsible choices that are the best for both you and your family.

Do you find the idea of their declining health and mental stability
shocking and unnerving? Are you struggling with the reality of this
change?  Do you somehow feel guilty since you have not lived near them?
Do you feel responsible for their well-being (as they were once
responsible for yours)?  Are you wrestling with accepting the role of
parent to your once strong and independent parents?

Find answers to your own conflicts, that is one of the best ways that
you can be a help to your parents.  If you are reacting in response to
your own turmoil you cannot fully help them until you understand and
resolve the issues that are underlying your choices.

Best of luck, remember there are no perfect answers, allow that
mistakes will be made along the way.

Jan-ed

I just want to agree with what has been said. Despite your good
intentions the end result will be catastrophic for you and your fsmily's
health. Leave it to trained personnell in elderly care institutions to
do the necessary work that all these problems entail. Don't worry about
feeling guilty. We all do at times but the alternatives are much worse.
In any case, good luck in settling this problrm.