Dear Alan,

I could make some suggestions, but from what you are saying, it doesn't
sound like your wife would be open to those suggestions, and even if she
was, could she implement them?   You are in a very difficult space, seeing a
formerly youthful, vital person facing an awful future, and not knowing
yourself where this is going to go, and you yourself must get back to work
too!

It is perfectly understandable that she wants to work and to bring in a
paycheck, but if she has been diagnosed with alzheimers disease, it is quite
reasonable to assume she might not be able to do that.   My mother in law
was a very busy, capable woman, but alzheimers robbed her of the ability to
function effectively as well, although the disease struck her at a later age
than your wife.    Early onset Alzheimer disease is reputed to be quite a
bit faster moving, as well, though nobody can know for sure how any
particular person will manifest their journey through this illness, one
thing is certain, it will continue to get worse.

Volunteering would seem to be excellent while she is still able to function
in some way, but I think you might have to be the person to find her the
circumstance where that could happen, and a lot will depend on her level of
function.   One of the effects of the illness is that the person just can't
seem to organize their actions anymore.   Given that, how could she seek a
volunteer job, organize lesson plans, remember what she is supposed to be
doing, if she could not do the job she had been doing for so many years?
Even a volunteer job may require learning some new skills, or at least to
follow some directions, and those abilities are usually the first to be
lost.

She is at a very difficult stage of the illness.   She still has the desire
to work, to function in society in a productive way, but she is gradually
losing the capacity to do that.   The worst news is that it is NOT going to
get any better.   This gives rise to more questions than answers.  If she
cannot any longer hold a job due to an organic brain disease, how long will
she be able to function at home, even if she does not work?   The answers to
these questions may not be good ones, I am sure you realize.   My mother in
law left pots on the stove to burn up, and forgot that she had already taken
her medications taking double and triple, also she paid her house taxes
THREE times!   Fortunately the city was honest and she had credit.   It left
us wondering who else she had paid more than once, who perhaps might not
have been so honest.   She could not even take care of herself at home
unattended, and that happened early in the illness.

The answer for many people who have been in your space has been an adult
daycare center.   There are many reasons a daycare center can be helpful.
Their entire focus is to end the boredom of people with this sort of
illness, as well as keep their clients safe while other relatives/caregivers
go out to work.   Your wife could offer to help there, and many loved ones
of posters here, have gone to a daycare center under the belief they were
volunteers, when in actuality they were suffering from the same illness as
the others there.

Your wife, at the present stage of her illness, might think a daycare center
was an awful place, and that all the people in it were a lot worse off than
she is.   But the truth of the matter is that in time this illness will
continue to move along, and as her own deficits begin to develop more, it
would be nice if she saw herself as a "volunteer" at the center, and was
used to it and their routines by the time it was really necessary.

I say all this in full realization that you also might think a daycare
center is overkill for your wife right now.   And it actually may be.   But
if she thinks she is "volunteering" there, it might keep her busy, prevent
her from boredom, keep her safe from mishaps that could occur in the home,
and put your mind at rest while you work.   Look into it for the future.

Also, an afterthought..... since your wife is not of the usual retirement
age, could she not be considered disabled?   You should definitely look into
getting disability pay for her.   If she was ill enough to lose her job, and
ill enough to be diagnosed, she should not have to worry about money at this
time.   I don't know exactly how that all works, but she has been employed
for enough years for her to have some sort of income options that no longer
involve working.

Good luck to you both.

Would she be able to do private tuition at home? That would receive monetary
compensation.

However, her refusal to do something that doesnt bring in a wage even if it
overcomes the boredom, might be regarded as evidence of Az, since its
unlikely she is going to be able to get such a job. You say she is "stewing
and frustrated at her inability to do anything significant" and yet she wont
do the one thing that would fix that (volunteering).   Refusal to face the
facts, either from fear of what might happen or  simply from inability to
comprehend, is a classic Az symptom. Sorry :-(

As Evelyn has posted, EOD often is much faster moving than the average, so
you may find sooner than you want or expect, she is going to need help at
home, or daycare, if you are able to continueyour day job whilst she is left
at home for long periods.  You might want to check into that sooner rather
than later.

Does she write? Could she perhaps work on developing materials for use in
public schools, for teachers in training? Writing children's books?
Magazine articles?  Creating a web page to be used by the children at the
school she previously worked with?

Whether they'd be marketable or not is beside the point - but it might well
be that she does have knowledge that would be,  and that she is still
functioning well enough to get it out

it could be presented as a way of potentially earning money and
contributing... and a way of leaving a legacy; of ensuring that the
knowledge and experience she has gained can be passed on

The impression I get from your message is that your wife is depressed,
that she is having a crisis of identity and no longer feels capable or
useful.  Who she thought she was, the person she has been all these
years, now this is changing and she is powerless to make an
improvement.

How can she find value in her daily experience now?  How can she adjust
to her condition and keep on going?

She definitely needs stimulation and needs to be around other people.

My Mom lived alone for years, she didnot socialize much, she didnot
attend church or play cards in a group; I think this was part of her
deterioration into dementia.  She made no attempt to live a fulfilling
life but either did work around the house, errands, or spent most of
her time worrying about anything and everything.

I know there are certain things that bring me joy and pleasure and help
me feel anchored in the experience of life.  What would these be for
your wife?  Some people really get a boost from being around children,
maybe this would help her.  There are so many ways that volunteers are
needed in schools, she would be a help in any small task that she could
do.

But somehow she has to come to some acceptance and be able to be
flexible enough to adjust to her new limitations.  That is the key for
all of us in life, be open to change, embrace it and keep on going,
adapt and you will improve your experience.  Refuse to accept the
changing nature of life and you will close the door to being part of
it, to living fully.

Good luck, Jan-ed