Nancy, I remember you and am surprised that your dad is still her caregiver
at home.  I know it has taken its toll on him in spite of the help you and
your sister are able to give him.  Grayson died before going through the
sleeping and not eating stage, so I'm not any help there.  I'm sure others
will answer you.
Gwen

There are no rules. In the home where my dad is most of the residents seem
to spend most of their time sleeping, I know some of them have been like
that for at least the two years I've been going there, and from what I've
told, some for 10 years more or less the same.

I suppose you have pointed out to your dad that the fact he bears nearly all
the load himself is likely to harm his health and therefore she could well
end up in a home through his ill health anyway?

For many men, taking care of their wives is a matter of deep
personal commitment and personal honor.  Sometimes an
elderly man feels that he has nothing left of his own life and
is no longer really very useful to anyone.  He holds onto the
one thing he believes he can still do that makes him a useful
man, a family provider, and a faithful husband.  Paradoxically,
taking care of your Mom may be both a drain and a source of
strength and sense of self-worth for your Dad.

As others have said, different people seem to take different
roads.  My Mom was depressed and often sleepy for years.
However her appetite was good.  Then she stopped eating
altogether and could not be induced to eat.  She died about
three weeks after that.

You might possibly find someone who would work for your
Dad a few days a week, cooking, cleaning, and caring for
your Mom.  It can be very hard to find such a person, and
there are risks if you find the wrong one.  My Dad hired a
woman who stole all of my mother's jewelry and then quit.
Later however, he hired a woman whose own mother had
died of Alzheimer's and who was a real treasure when it
came to taking care of my Mom.

You and your sister are to be commended for your efforts.

Best of luck.

   Alan

Nancy,

One more thing I thought of that you might consider.

Since your Dad is very elderly and your Mom is not
able to take care of herself, your family needs to plan
for what will happen if your Dad dies before your Mom
does.

It is common, for example, for a husband and wife to
make wills that leave everything to the other spouse
when one dies.  That can be a real problem if the other
spouse is not able to handle financial transactions.

My wife's Dad died last year and her Mom is in an
Alzheimer's home.  While he was alive, her Dad took
care of all of the financial affairs.  Fortunately, one of
the things he did was retitle all of his savings and
assets that were in joint accounts with his wife into
joint accounts with his children instead.  Even so, we
ran into a number of places after his death where we
were unable to make any headway against a bank, a
government agency, or some such organization without
getting signed letters from her Mom.  Fortunately, her
Mom was still (just) able to sign her name.  Ordinary
routine paperwork can be a real chore if there are a
lot of assets in your Mom's name.

A good elder care lawyer can make suggestions for
what needs to be done but, if you look for one, try to
get one who's honest, competent, and listens well.

Good luck.

   Alan