I'm new here, and I've come hoping to get input from those further along
in this process than I.  Here's the dilemma:

My mom is in the early-middle stages of Alzheimer's -- still knows who
we all are, still can tell you who the President is, can still keep her
self clean and get dressed, but can't be trusted to drive without
getting lost, can't process new information, hallucinates conversations
that never happened, that sort of thing.

Eighteen months ago, my brother and his wife helped mom move from her
home of 15 years, which was a good 45 minute drive from their place, to
a house right around the corner from them (Chicago suburbs).  They did
it largely because the writing was on the wall about mom's driving, yet
she insisted on driving up often to visit, and also because it was clear
she needed someone to keep an eye on her, make sure she got her
medication, do any heavy stuff that needed doing, etc.

At the time, Mom was onboard about all of this, thought it was a great
idea, participated happily in househunting.  But 18 months later she's
sure they moved her against her will, she hates her new house, she
misses her old house and her old town, she's lonely, and she's
increasingly resentful.

We're all aware that what she really misses, mostly, is the days when
she was well and competent and working, but we're also anxious to help
her find some way to be happier.  Except for Alzheimer's, Mom is in
excellent shape, and there's every possibility she'll live another 10,
15, even 20 years (She's about to turn 76.)

Mom recently visited my house for 10 days, then my sister's for another
10 days (a good 2000 miles away -- I live in Southern Indiana, my sister
in San Diego.)  She really enjoyed both visits, and keeps talking about
how she just wants to "live near family."  She also waxes nostalgic
about her cousin who used to have both her mother and MIL living with
her, and how nice it was in the days when "families all lived together."
 The meaning is pretty clear.  (It also hurts my brother and SIL a bit
-- they see her every day, and do a *lot* for her, and she spends a lot
of time with her only grandkids, but she apparently can't see that as
"living near family.")

My sister is willing to add a room and a bath, and let Mom move in until
such a time as that becomes unteneble -- but only if it's really going
to be the solution.  The thing is, Mom's not capable of realizing that
the reason she has such a nice time when she's here, or with my sister,
is that we take the week off, and spend all of our time *doing things
with her.*  If she moves in with one of us, she's still going to be on
her own a lot of the time -- my sister is generally out of the house
nearly 12 hours a day.  We don't want to spend 50K on a room addition,
and move mom all the way across country, only to have her unhappy again.

It has occurred to me that possibly Mom could move to my sister's, and
participate in an Alzheimer's daycare program.

In the meanwhile, I've looked at a very good retirement center just 5-10
minutes from my house.  They have everything from duplex bungalows, for
people who are still independant, through condos with some services and
a dining room residents can eat in  or not, as they choose, through
assisted living -- a one room studio with housekeeping, and all meals in
the dining room, through -- and sadly this will someday be necessary --
a locked-door Alzheimer's ward.  I'm satisified that the place is well
and compassionately run.

I drove mom through the community while she was here, and she thought it
looked very nice, but she's assuming that she'd move into one of the
bungalows.  We're not convinced she can maintain that level of
independence -- she's burned a few meals, and never has figured out how
to use her new oven.  Also, the folks at the center tell me -- and they
know more than I -- that it's better to move people to a greater level
of support than they need, so that as the disease progresses, there are
fewer changes of place and personnel.  Also, if we move her into a
bungalow, then a condo, then assisted living, each move will be a new
sense of loss -- loss of space, loss of independence, loss of her stuff.

Just as worrisome, I'm pretty sure that even if Mom would be okay in a
bungalow, she wouldn't remember to participate in the activities around
the place -- she'd sit in her bungalow and feel lonely.  I think she'd
be better, at the very least, in one of the condos, where she mostly ate
in a dining room, and ran into people, and was reminded of what was
going on.

But even still, within a year or two she'd have to be moved into
assisted living -- again, a hard change.  Part of me thinks we should
just move her into assisted living *now*.  She'd have people around all
the time, eat all her meals with the same people who would, one hopes,
become friends, have someone to remind her about her medication, someone
to gently prod her to participate in activities.;

But she already complains that we made her "get rid of all her things"
when we helped her move to her new house.  (We made her get rid of
fabric scraps from sewing projects thirty years ago, 40 pairs of
worn-out old underwear, 25 ancient toothbrushes, that sort of thing.
But any time she can't find something, she's sure we made her get rid of
it.)  If she moves into assisted living, she really *will* have to get
rid of *most* of her things, and I'm certain she's going to take it
really hard.

Of course, if she moves to my sister's house, she's going to have to get
rid of most of her stuff, too.

Anyway, we're really unsure of what to do.  There really aren't any
happy solutions, the happy solution would be for someone to invent the
Brain Transplant tomorrow.

Thankfully, money is not a big obstacle here.  Mom has a pension and
substantial assets, and while she divorced my dad 20 years ago, he
stands ready to help if needed -- he's the one who would pay for the
addition to my sister's house.

Can anyone with more experience give me any guidance, here?  I realize
this is very long, and I thank you for your patience and help.

Dana