I really don't have 24/7 here, just because she lives here at home. I have live in help, like I mentioned. I don't get up at night. I do her bathing, because that is when I check her for skin problems etc, but it is my choice. I could have someone else do it. Still, I am wanting to have a place that is just my own now, especially if I am working a regular job out of the home. It is time for someone else to do all the caregiving. That is going to include my granddaughter as well, I plan to have her when I want her, as opposed to being available as an unpaid babysitter whenever they need one.

I'm Done. I am going to change my role from nurse to case manager.

 Lesanne, you're right.  You still feel the responsibility even if your loved one is in a nursing home or assisted living, or any facility.  But you don't have the 24 hr. seven day a week thing hanging over your head all the time.  And someone else is responsible for seeing that medicines are given,
 baths are taken, etc.  It makes a big difference.  I looked after Grayson for 6 or 7 years; he was in a nursing home for 8 months.  I was in the Rehab Hospital when he went there but after I went home, I think I missed one day going to the NH.  But then I went home to sleep at night without being disturbed.
 Gwen
   "lesanne" <larnimnot@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:wmc1g.64304$_26.37958@tornado.texas.rr.com...
   We had a really good time up until about a year ago. Then it became work. I am a professional nurse. People forget that. This place has been a good nursing home, I am just done now. The local ones are horrible. I may choose to hire a couple more nursing assistants and rent myself a nice apartment. And yes, Mom would not want me to be doing this now. And if I wake up some morning in my 80's and cannot remember how to reconcile my bank account I am going swimming in the Gulf.

   The problem about giving advice about when it is "time" is that it is never going to exactly fit the situation that you are imagining when you read about other people. Sometimes it is right, sometimes it is not. I don't regret one single moment of what we did so far. It fit our situation like a glove. I won't regret the change I make now.

   And I did not come anywhere near "complete giving up of life and agenda". I did some things I had been wanting to do that fit into our living situation. When it got bad a year ago I hired live in help. We are not your average caregiving family. Still, I don't expect to go through this next change without a lot of turmoil. It is not fun.

   Research reports seem to indicate that placing a loved one does not relieve any of the sense of responsibility felt by the caregiver, it just spreads the blame a little. In my case it will free me up to work at something I want to do now.

   --
   Les
     "Evelyn Ruut" <mama-lionsox@hvc.rr.com> wrote in message news:na81g.32906$cY3.20983@news-wrt-01.rdc-nyc.rr.com...

     "Beth Cole" <eacole@gmail.com> wrote in message
     news:4ake4eFtkqsrU1@individual.net...
     > Evelyn Ruut wrote:
     >> Exactly my thoughts.   I wouldn't want my kids to go through the nearly
     >> complete giving up of their own lives and agendas for me.   I would feel
     >> that my dignity would be more intact if I were in a professional
     >> facility. I say that having seen what professional facilities are like.
     >
     > Having done the caregiving, my dad and his sister both say that if either
     > of them is diagnosed, that their kids are not to bother with taking them
     > home.  They are to go straight from the doctor's office to a care home.
     > They lived through some of the worst things the disease can cause in terms
     > of rages and mood swings, and neither wants their kids & grandkids to have
     > to live through it as a caregiver who cannot walk away.
     >
     > My dad is serious enough about it that he has given written instructions
     > to his doctors, his lawyer & his accountant, in addition to telling my
     > mom, my brother & me.
     >
     > Beth

     Hi Beth,

     Yes, and that being said, I must honestly admit I don't regret having cared
     for Ida here, I just regret having done it for as long as I did.

     I should have listened to my friends here, who told me it was time to start
     moving towards finding placement.   They were right.   (thank you Dennis,
     you were one)

     I didn't have the sense to realize how much it wore us down, how much it
     restricted our own lives, and that she could indeed get not only decent,
     adequate care elsewhere, but actually that it could have been better for all
     concerned.

     We only realized that once she was already in a nursing home, and someone
     else was getting up with her in the middle of the night, watching her 24/7,
     365.

     --

     Best Regards,

     Evelyn
     (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox')

**True**

**There are no highly recommended facilities here. I love my home an don't
want to move away. My friends are here. I have a real good chance of getting
a position as nursing faculty at the local University. There is certainly no
perfect solution to this. I can hire people to take care of her here for
about what the nursing home will cost. I just need to decide. My feel today
is that the situation here is going to get out of hand pretty soon. I am
touring the rotten choices of facilities here.  With my contacts I could
certainly influence her care.

**We were fine as long as she was receiving any benefit at all from me doing
it myself. Now that she no longer really knows me, it has become rather
pointless for me to do it. It is not making her any happier. The activities
we used to do, pretty much irritate or frighten her now. I think anyone who
has a sense of relief after placing a parent is probably in denial, or in
full retreat from reality, or maybe just does not understand the situation.
There is nothing about the end of this disease that will give me a sense of
relief other than her being done with it.