Peter it is the most difficult position to be in.

My mother in law had no clue she couldn't take care of herself anymore, and
would not allow us to help her.   It was awful, because we were waiting for
a disaster to happen.   Her neighbors were sort of looking after her, but
she forgot how to walk the dog, how to shower and how to prepare herself
food.   She lost weight and neglected her teeth, her health, just
everything.

We had to resort to trickery of a sort, but once we were able to get her to
agree to come and "visit" us, we finally got it all sorted out and we just
never took her back home.   But the difference is that my husband is her son
and her only child, and she did finally get proper paperwork in place
allowing us to care for her.

For a non family member, it may just come to a place where she gets sick and
can't get up off the floor, or somehow comes to the attention of the
authorities in some manner.   Maybe she will go for a walk and get lost and
not be able to recall her address.   Maybe she will turn on the stove and
have a fire.   Maybe anything.   None of it good.

Like I said, it is the worst position to be in, because you want to help and
can't.   You can show up every day and pretend that she called you over and
hope that her forgetfulness will carry you through.   You can notify the
local police that this is a person who may be in need of some help.   But
most of all you may need to get some legal advice from the office of the
aging where you live, or from a lawyer (who will probably charge you for the
time out of your own money, not hers).

I wish you luck.  I know how awful it is, but there is not a lot you can do
when the person trusts no one and isn't aware of their own deficits.

Unfortunately, I think that's right.  Most or all of the people you
might turn to for help will consider this to be yours and your
relative's problem, not theirs.  No one will be eager to take over
responsibility.

Fortunately, you do care and are taking responsibility.  So your
relative is in far better shape than those poor people with no
family or no one who cares.

I agree with others that you need to begin taking long term action
to get your relative into a better place.  The steps include:

Short term:

 Talk to her doctor to get his opinion, and to find out if
 anti-psychotic or anti-depressant drugs will help with her
 immediate problem of paranoia and rejection of help.  However
 even if you get such drugs prescribed, it may be difficult to
 get her to take them.

Longer term - but start right now:

 Get a power of attorney for health care and finances.  Any way
 you can get her signature on the forms is going to be worth
 doing and will lead to far less hassle than getting her
 declared incompetent.  You can find some good power of attorney
 forms on the net, or see a lawyer - who will charge you a bunch
 of money, but may be able to give useful legal advice.

 Get her declared incompetent if necessary.  If you get the
 right powers of attorney, you may not need to do that.

 Visit local Alzheimer's care establishments, getting prices,
 and forming your impressions of what are the best ones for your
 relative.

 Find out what financial help might be available through
 Medicare, Medicaid, or other sources.  Local social work
 agencies can help with this, but you often have to call three
 or four of them before you find somebody who is really
 knowledgeable and helpful (and who can likely give you advice
 on the other matters too.)

 Make a budget.

When the time is right.

 Arrange for her to be admitted to a facility.  They may require
 that one of their staff members visit with her first to
 evaluate her - which can often be arranged by saying something
 like "Mom, this is Mrs. Smith, she's a [nurse, friend, person
 who knows a lot of people who can help you, whatever works],
 etc.  The staff member will very likely be good at what she
 does and will set your relative at ease.

 Drive your relative to the home, stay with her for a bit while
 she gets involved in something, then slip out.

Doing all this will tear your heart out.  She will call you on
the phone and demand to know why you did this to her, what did
she ever do to you, why are you killing her?

I've been there and done that, cried, lost months of sleep, hated
myself and the world.

My only consolation was the clear, irrefutable evidence that all
of the alternatives were even worse.

Best of luck to you.

   Alan