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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Alzheimer's / March 2006Care-giving ALONE
Is, or has anyone here been a multi-year full-time caregiver for an alz family member in a small southern town where you have no "kinfolk" or life long friends. I am referring here to the inland south and not the Atlantic Coast states. I moved here to Kinfolkville, Southernstate from outside of the south in my early 40's. I tried very hard to make friends here during my early years here but found that I had little in common with men my age here. I am now 55. There is a huge language barrier and they are very close to their brothers, cousins, brothers in law, and life long friends and they are not open to new friendships with men who speak proper english that are not from the south. Until my mother came down with alz, it was merely an enormous problem. After I had been caring for her full time, ALONE, (except for my wife) for two years, it became an extremely suicidal problem. We are planning to move to the west coast very very soon. I am getting old to be doing this. It frightens me, but I have nothing but contempt for the people here who wouldnt lift a finger to help us. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Was it in a small southern town? There is a huge farce about the south being a friendly and mannerly place. Jesus said, "above all things, love they NEIGHBOR as thyself." Southerners (from the western part of the Old South) seem to interpret that to mean "love thy KINFOLK as thyself". I plan to expose all of this in a book. Scared to death in Kinfolkville Westy, I hate to say this, but you sound as if you feel superior to all the folks in Kinfolkville. If you do, I'm sure they realize that and no wonder you haven't made friends. If I am wrong I apologize. I am from the south and have lived in small towns in the south. I made friends at church first, and then met other folks. Sorry about your experience. Gwen > Is, or has anyone here been a multi-year full-time caregiver for an alz > family member in a small southern town where you have no "kinfolk" or [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > > Scared to death in Kinfolkville Gwen, I appreciate the responses I got from you and Evelyn. It is interesting to note that you are both women. The problem in the south seems to be more a problem with the 50 year old men than with the 50 year old women. Women of 50 have an easier time making friends in general, regardless of what state they are in because they are more open. But southern men, particularly in semi rural TX LA MS AR TN, take that lesser degree of male openness to an extreme. I have speculated about what the reasons are but I can only guess. You almost have to be a male to understand this. It has to do with what is known here as a good old boys network, accompanied by a thing I refer to as "southern male group-think" (which substitutes for individual thought), and a set of southern male ego problems that boggle the imagination. Anyway, I am almost out of here - just a few months to go. But I am sure that in my new location I wont have friends instantly. It will probably take a number of months to build some friendships. I dont know that I will go about it much differently. I joined lots of clubs here and attended lots of churches here. I used the Dale Carnegie approach. I eventually gave up on that here after a number of years. Its time to dust off "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and go over those chapter summary listings again. > Gwen, I appreciate the responses I got from you and Evelyn. It is > interesting to note that you are both women. The problem in the south [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > Its time to dust off "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and go > over those chapter summary listings again. Hi Westy, You may be correct, but there is another aspect of the situation that we haven't touched upon. When I was taking care of my mother in law, I had just moved to a new area. It was VERY hard to make new friends and get "connected" even though I continued in club membership and membership in my religious organization too. You may be blaming the people in the area and not the situation. Caregiving has KNOWN effects.... notably depression. Depressed people are usually angry, frazzled, and not exactly a ball of fire in social situations. All these are deep down emotions that people sort of intuit when you meet them. You don't end up giving off the kind of emotional energy that people want to get to know better when you feel like this. Once my mother in law went into a nursing home, the effects still lingered for a long time. Right after that I fell and broke my shoulder, a horrible situation that required two painful surgeries and months and months of gruelingly painful physical therapy. Right after that, my mother in law died. ONLY THEN after she passed on, and I was healed of my injury, did I begin to make more friends, get involved more in social situations. We became more active in club work, both my husband and me.... and our friends began to come out of the woodwork again. Caregiver depression is REAL. Do not underestimate it for a minute. That is why we need support groups both in real life and here on the internet. It does NOT lend itself to social interaction, or really anything where you have to relate to others. This is just another area you may need to look into and consider.  SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') Evelyn, My mother has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimers and my father is doing the majority of the caregiving. I think I can understand what you are saying when you talk about the Caregiver and how it wears them down. I see my father and how it has effected him recently and what a difference. I think he is doing a great job, but to have to do two jobs of being a caregiver and also be a teacher is wearing on him. In a case like Alzheimers, my mother understand what she has because she had to deal with it, with her own mom, but she is quite positive in how she tackles this problem. I know she is frustrated by it, but my dad is the one that takes on more responsiblities around the house and becomes a little more stressed out. The one positive thing that my father has going for him is that they live in a relatively small town. Everyone knows about my mother's situation and are more than willing to help out with her. This becomes a blessing in my fathers life because he can take a brief break while members of the community help him out. Anyways, i agree with you when you talk about support groups. People need to be able to talk to others and get their feelings out in the open. They need to know that they are not the only one going through these situaions. Talk to ya later Darryl > Is, or has anyone here been a multi-year full-time caregiver for an alz > family member in a small southern town where you have no "kinfolk" or [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > > Scared to death in Kinfolkville Hi Westy, My uncle moved to the South after a whole lifetime in the North. He will go into ecstasies about how nice, how friendly, how kind the people are. Same with my cousin and her family, and also a girlfriend of 30 years and her husband who moved south. All rave about the kindness, openness, friendliness of southerners. For the record, I live in NY state, so I am only reporting what others have told me. Maybe I can relate to you a famous Zen story. There was a Zen monk sitting by a crossroads which led to a large city. A family came by with a cart, carrying all their belongings, obviously moving to that city. They asked him what the people were like in the nearby city. He replied with a question... asking them what the people were like where they came from? The family said the people where they came from were horrible. They weren't friendly, they gossiped and they hated it there. The monk seemed saddened, and he told them "I am sorry to tell you but the people here are exactly the same way." The family then said goodbye and moved on their way to their new home. A couple of hours later another family came along the road and asked the exact same question of the same monk, and he asked them the same question he had asked before, "what were the people like where you came from?" They all began to speak at once.... The people were wonderful, so kind, so nice, we hated to leave them....." The monk replied with a smile "You are going to love it here, the people are the same way".... Same city. Now I will grant you that caregiving does not always put one in the most friendly or outgoing of moods, and especially since you have been doing this alone. But moving will not solve the dilemma. If you want friends you have to be a friend. You have to join a club, a church, a political group, anything....and relate to people with an open heart. Be giving and you will discover that people will give to you. SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') I am from THE SOUTH. Raised in Alabama, lived in Atlanta and more rural areas of Georgia, lived in Very rural South Carolina, now in Florida. And to top it all off, I am a white male. As do most southerners, male or female / black or white / or whatever, each person I meet is considered my friend just as soon as I meet them. They have to prove otherwise. I have a great many friends from other parts of the country and the world, but I generally find that people that come from up north to the south find southerners to be slow, in their opionion, so naturally we all must be stupid, and inferior. This is what I get out of you. Maybe you should first try to be a friend rather than judge people on locale. Throw away your old vhs copies of Dukes of Hazard and the movie Deliverance, and TRY to be social. good luck TvEngineering > Is, or has anyone here been a multi-year full-time caregiver for an alz > family member in a small southern town where you have no "kinfolk" or [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > > Scared to death in Kinfolkville I'm a Southerner, born and bred, albeit from the Atlantic states you give a "pass" to. I am not going to leap to defend out honor, but to agree with you. There are many small Southern towns that it would take a crowbar to insert yourself into the intimate social circles. As some describe it, there are "benyeahs" and "comyeahs." (been heres and come heres). To qualify as a benyeah, your PARENTS must have been born there. Comyeahs may be tolerated and included as probationary members if their lineage is appropriate, but they will never totally belong. (As a kneejerk reaction, I start extolling my family lineage which has a Confederate luminary in it as soon as I meet one of these people. And then I berate myself later -- why are you trying to prove yourself to THEM?!? And what does it matter what great-great-great-grandaddy did ANYWAY!!!) I have moved out of several of these places and shaken the dust from my feet as I went. Not all Southern towns are like this, but there are enough that you should know your experience is not unique. I suspect there are places in New England that are the same. In a larger city, I would suggest turning to Alz support groups, but I know how hard they can be to find in the rural South. I hope your impending move puts you in a better environment where you can find the community bonds you seek. Songbird I know what you mean. We actually changed towns a year ago (moved 25 miles) and the new town was just as bad as the old town. Both towns are "benyeahs" and "comyeahs" towns (with a slightly different accent). In the new town, people talk more about how far they can trace their ancestry back in this town. In the old town, the details didnt seem to matter as much - if you weren't related to a guy, he didnt know you by 1975, and you dont 'taolk the taolk", he just didnt want to know you, period. Since you had the problem in several southern towns and moved on, did you ever try a non-southern town? If not, why not? Do you have relatives in the south that you dont want to be thousands of miles away from? The urban west coast is the part of the country that is the least "benyeahs" and "comyeahs". That is where I am headed. Hopefully, by the end of the spring, I will never return to the south. > Both towns > are "benyeahs" and "comyeahs" towns (with a slightly different accent). > It has to do with what is known > here as a good old boys network, accompanied by a thing I refer to as > "southern male group-think" (which substitutes for individual thought), > and a set of southern male ego problems that boggle the imagination. Pretty sums up in my mind why you cannot get friends in these 'southern' towns. You have a mind set that your Northern urban people are inherently superior to the ' po' white trash'. Believe me I've lived in both and have been a care-giver for many years to my wife with advanced Alzheimer's and I have always found the people of the South to be responsive to the needs of others. I think your trouble stems from your attitude toward these people and the stress that care-giving has placed on you. Your moving to another place may or may not be a relief to you but I bet it'll be a relief to them thar southin' folk which cain't speak plain. Just MHO, of course. >> Both towns >> are "benyeahs" and "comyeahs" towns (with a slightly different accent). [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > relief to them thar southin' folk which cain't speak plain. Just MHO, of > course. I have an uncle in North Carolina (near the coast) who raves about southern kindness. He says that wherever he goes people say "Hello" even if they never met him, unlike New Jersey where he lived his whole life. I have a friend who lives in South Carolina (also nearer the coast) and she says the same thing. She has connected with a whole group of good friends .... a much larger circle of friends in two short years than she had in New Jersey where she lived for about 28 years. These are real people who moved south after a lifetime in the north. I would tend to believe Songbird, since she has lived in the south a long time, that maybe there are some areas that are standoffish and mistrustful of newcomers. I am the type I would do my darndest to try and make friends out of the strangers, or else I would simply decide to live without friends. I'd go the extra mile to do it if I had to. SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') Bud, You seem to be trying to put the cart before the horse. I discovered those things AFTER having spent years trying to make friends here. You try to make it look like I came here with those views in hand. I was under the impression, prior to moving here, that the south was a mannerly, friendly, Christian place. It is interesting that EVERY specific exception mentioned here has been of an Atlantic coast state, even tho in my opening post I excluded those states. Bud, you are part of the problem. You, and your kind, are the reason I am leaving. 50 year old men here commonly spit in public and cough without covering their mouths. Not ONE of the 30 students I attending first grade with was as unmannered as that at 6. What are these southern MANNERS I keep hearing about? Sure these guys will say "hi yall, hows yalls family doin, yalls family doin alright?" if they see a stranger on the street. But just try inviting one of them to do something with you that would allow you to further explore the possibility of friendship (I certainly did many times) He will proceed to tell you all about his relatives that he spends so much time with that he doesnt have any extra time. What is FRIENDLY about that. Jesus said "above all things, love thy neighbor as thyself". He didnt say "love thy KINFOLK" as thyself. Southern men of 50 seem to put a very high premium on the importance of their kinfolk as opposed to a "neighbor" who is not related to them. The south also has the highest rates of divorce, crime, traffic fatalities, obesity, smoking, suicide, bankruptcy, etc. of any region of the country: South has highest crime rates: http://www.fbi.gov/ucr/cius_02/html/web/offreported/02-nviolent02.html http://www.forbes.com/2004/05/12/cz_kb_04bestplacesworstcrimerateintro_print.html http://www.bestplaces.net/docs/studies/crime3.aspx South has highest traffic fatality rates: (see page 2, Fatalities per 100,000 column) http://www-nrd.nhtsa.dot.gov/pdf/nrd-30/NCSA/TSF2001/2001statedata.pdf South has highest respiratory infection rates: http://www.bestplaces.net/docs/studies/respiratory.aspx South has highest divorce rates: http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0923080.html South has highest bankruptcy rate: (see "Deadbeat District) http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3678/is_199810/ai_n8826091 South has high suicide rate (higher rate than Midwest and Northeast) http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3678/is_199810/ai_n8826091 South has high percentage of smokers: http://www.health.org/govpubs/mmwr/vol53/mm5344a2.aspx What is so CHRISTIAN about that? > Bud, > You seem to be trying to put the cart before the horse. I discovered [quoted text clipped - 51 lines] > > What is so CHRISTIAN about that? Considering that you are talking about the "Bible Belt" probably everything. SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') > Bud, > You seem to be trying to put the cart before the horse. No. I think I am spot on. The fact that you denigrate people for having close family ties and cast aspersions on their accent indicates to me that you had certain prejudices before you ever found yourself in the 'south'. The very fact of your quoting those statistics of crime etc. would be considered impolite and ungentlemanly in the southern society as I know it. If you want to shift the onus of your situation to another group then please do it in private and not come whining to a group that is interested in helping and supporting those inflicted with and caring for this horrible disease. That's my take and say. Westy, yes, there are places in the south where everyone is so insular (and usually also ignorant) but there are those places everywhere. But frankly, to have friends one must show himself friendly and you sound like the bitter, angry sort of person I would want to avoid simply because of the amount of mental energy it takes to listen to the list of woes and complaints. Caregiving can wear you down. Some people aren't exactly sunny types to begin with. Only you (or an honest relative that's known you for awhile) can tell you which is the case here. I asked my hubby for his opinion since he's lived in several small southern towns -- "Have you ever seen a place where the guys couldn't make friends no matter what?" He said he hasn't seen such either. However, I will offer one notion related to the "graying of America" in general. If someone is an able-bodied male in his 50s that is involved with a large extended family, they might keep him hopping with chores and "honey-dos". Hubby and I are in our mid-40s and even though we have a limited amount of family, we're running into this. And I couldn't tell you when the last time was that we had time to just go out and shoot the breeze with friends or enjoy leisure activity. We're not anti-social, just very busy. BTW, Southern manners that I've heard people talking about involve children saying yes, ma'am, please and thank you. Spitting on the sidewalk may show you didn't go to finishing school, but it doesn't say a thing about how friendly you are or aren't. When I was growing up, it usually said the spitter dipped snuff or chewed tobacco. Sorry, but in this day of "wardrobe malfunctions" you have to go a lot farther to shock or surprise me. Karen > Bud, > You seem to be trying to put the cart before the horse. I discovered [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > even tho in my opening post I excluded those states. Bud, you are part > of the problem. You, and your kind, are the reason I am leaving. -----snip----- >I know what you mean. We actually changed towns a year ago (moved 25 > miles) and the new town was just as bad as the old town. Both towns [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > least "benyeahs" and "comyeahs". That is where I am headed. > Hopefully, by the end of the spring, I will never return to the south. Westy, I hope that you find the friendship you seek wherever you end up. SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') I haven't moved on because it is not true everywhere, and I love the climate and geography. My business is here, but it is one I could relocate. I do have relatives here, but that is not a particularly anchoring factor. I travel a good deal and have friends all over the country -- and I hear echoes of this everywhere. I haven't liked what I saw of California or the North (deep aversion to snow), though I like the Southwest. Basically, I realize there are jerks everywhere, and I make my own circle of friends -- male and female -- from those who are not. Songbird |
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