one suggestion... why tell her that she has to stay where she is?  Maybe you
can find an approach that she can perceive as positive... i.e.  yes, that
will be wonderful - when you're all better.... and then distract. YOU know
she's not going to get 'all better' ... but IMO there is nothing at all to
be gained by telling her that ... if talking about going home and focussing
on making plans for what she's going to do when... brings her comfort, I'd
say go for it

Hi Meg,

I have always said that these earlier stages are the worst, when the person
is still able to care for themself a bit, but certainly not able to care for
themself completely.    You keep trying to placate her, but there is
absolutely nothing that could possibly placate her, and some frustration and
maybe even anger is normal, and to be expected.

Your mom is still able to recognize that she is in a facility, and knows it
is not the way she wants to live, yet it is the way she must live at this
time.  She is able to have aspirations to go places, but not the ability to
go to them.    She recognizes that her roommates and other patients are in
terrible shape, but she herself is not that bad yet, but how can you tell
her that she will someday get sick like they are, too?

Ultimately I am sorry to tell you that it WILL get easier but that will only
be when her own cognizance begins to wane even more.

I recall very vividly when my mother in law lived with us, and we sent her
to a daycare center during the day.   She was incredulous at the state of
the other people in daycare and would come home and tell us they were all
"crazy" and that she herself was not "crazy".    She had no idea how "crazy"
she actually was or was not, or that her illness was a progressive one, in
which she would continue to lose ground until one day we would be forced to
put her in an alzheimer ward when we could no longer take care of her
ourselves.   We could never tell her that, we just sidestepped the issue to
preserve her dignity for as long as we could.

She too, complained of being detained against her will, and wanted to go
"home."   She would try to bribe the daycare bus driver with her jewelry, or
with promises of money, to take her "home"...... to a home that she could
never go to again, unfortunately.   It was heartbreaking, and it is a
terrible dilemma that every caregiver suffers through with their loved
one..... a time when they are too sick to be alone, and not sick enough to
realize their own deficits.

We felt just as you feel, like we were doing the best we could for her, yet
there was no answer that we could give her, that she would accept.   The
only place I got any comfort was here on this newsgroup, and in our local
alzheimer support group.

I am sorry to tell you that there is no answer to this dilemma, but time.
And when the time comes that she no longer argues to go home, you will wish
she still had some of her faculties like she had now, when she still CAN
argue to go home, and that the people in her ward are indeed worse off than
she is.

All we can do is tell you what we also went through, and that you are not
alone, and that we know how hard it is, and that you have our deepest
commiseration.   This is a rotten illness, where the person you have known
all your life will think you have betrayed them, even when you are doing all
you possibly can to help, with every ounce of strength you can muster.

That is the hardest part, that you cannot reason with them, or explain
things to their satisfaction.  I used to tell my mother in law not to worry,
that we were taking the very best care of her that we could.  She would say
"thank you" but five seconds later she would forget and be confused again.
It is the sad nature of this illness.

It's so sad when you have to become the parent.  I think too that honesty is
best.   When it's time to get my mother to take a shower and she resists I
truthfully and gently  tell her "Mom you have a brain disease that makes you
think you've taken a shower when you haven't"   This always seems to strike
a chord with her and she no longer resists.   Perhaps the truth would help
here.   Telling your mother that she has a  brain disease that is clouding
her judgment might help.  If part of her still knows something isn't right,
it might work.   If it doesn't, just know in your heart that you're doing
the right thing.
You have helped me in a way...my mom is in independent assisted living and I
was afraid that we weren't doing enough to stimulate her mind.  Especially
when I visited her when she was having a particularly bad day.  I was
thinking maybe memory care but after reading your story, I know that she's
better off where she is.   Like my brother says...the owners will tell us
when it's time for her to go to memory care.  I went back again another day
and she was much better and she's always said that she's happy
there.......June

Meg wrote in part - > My only hope is that spring is comming and the grounds
of the memory

I hope so too!  Every little corner of the world is better off with green
and growing things tended by someone like her.

Best wishes to you, your mom and all your family.