Caregiver strain & thinking of divorce

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Octavia - 15 Feb 2006 18:51 GMT

How common is divorce that is a result of the massive strain of
caregiving? I've been married for 20+ years but the stress of
caregiving for my MIL & *everything* that has gone with it has
seriously put me on the brink of breaking.

My SIL has already commented negatively on putting her in a nursing
home, as she doesn't think she is "that bad". This is my SIL's house,
she takes care of the finances. She can't really afford to put her in a
nursing home & keep this house which she (my SIL) has had for years.

For the last 7 months, my husband & I have been living here taking care
of my MIL. My husband & I have our own financial problems. My SIL has
turned out to be more meddlesome than I could have ever dreamed of.
Going into this, I knew she could be a little controlling - after the
fact, I see that is a total understatement. Had I known what it was
going to be like, I would never have agreed to move in here. So
basically I've been doing my best to take care of my MIL while my SIL
*micromanages* (highlight, all caps, bold & underscored) everything
(including telling me how to do laundry), on top of our own
relationship problems.

Have you ever heard of anyone getting a divorce from the strain of
caregiving?

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June - 15 Feb 2006 20:12 GMT

> Have you ever heard of anyone getting a divorce from the strain of
> caregiving?

I'm sure that you know the answer to that one. It sounds like your husband
and SIL don't appreciate all that you do. It's a tough one. If you're
financially able perhaps a breather would be in order. A separation
doesn't have to mean divorce. I don't know if you've had a bad day, or a
bad marriage or maybe just overloaded with responsibility with no authority.
Whatever it is, you're the one that has to decide if it's better to stay or
go. In the end it's your husband and his sister who have the
responsibility to take care of their mother........June

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Tumbleweed - 15 Feb 2006 20:20 GMT

> How common is divorce that is a result of the massive strain of
> caregiving? I've been married for 20+ years but the stress of
[quoted text clipped - 19 lines]
> Have you ever heard of anyone getting a divorce from the strain of
> caregiving?

Yes.

My suggestion? I'd advise taking a break, for a week or two, with your
husband, and leave your SIL to cope. Dont be on call, dont be on hand, be
gone and uncontactable. She'll pretty soon get the picture and understand
just how bad your MIL is, I presume you've been shielding her from it
(inadvertently).

After that, to come back, if you want to, you'll establish a fair rota,
under your conditions, with your SIL. I'm hoping (expecting), that your
husband will support you in this.

If he doesnt, take the break anyway, let him cope by himself. What you dont
mention in your message is your husbands behaviour, its all about your SIL
which doesnt fit with discussions of a divorce, you arent married to her are
you!So it seems there is something you arent saying, and I'm guessing its
about your husbands lack of support, either with caring for his mother, or
supporting you against your SIL...or both?

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Tumbleweed

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Lee - 15 Feb 2006 22:43 GMT

I second the take a break idea.... I did it this past summer and it made
all the difference - when I wasn't here to do it and they - hubby and his
sister - had to .... they definitely got the message.

I still do a fair bit of the care - but it's a lot more doable with genuine
support from people who - now! - understand a whole lot better what's
involved - and the fact that I'm now paid a regular amount each month for
doing it (it comes out of her income - and it's a LOT less than it would
cost to place her!) - doesn't hurt either.

>> How common is divorce that is a result of the massive strain of
>> caregiving? I've been married for 20+ years but the stress of
[quoted text clipped - 38 lines]
> guessing its about your husbands lack of support, either with caring for
> his mother, or supporting you against your SIL...or both?

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Gwen Love - 15 Feb 2006 22:52 GMT

Lee, I'm so glad things worked out for you.
Gwen

>I second the take a break idea.... I did it this past summer and it made
>all the difference - when I wasn't here to do it and they - hubby and his
[quoted text clipped - 48 lines]
>> and I'm guessing its about your husbands lack of support, either with
>> caring for his mother, or supporting you against your SIL...or both?

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Mary_Gordon@tvo.org - 15 Feb 2006 22:48 GMT

You are an adult. You are NOT trapped in this. You give SIL a specific
date that you are done, you go looking for somewhere else to live, and
you go.

I find it hard to believe that your husband would cash in his marriage
over this. Its too much for you clearly, and there is no reason to feel
guilty. SIL has to figure out what to do. No matter what, MIL will not
be sustainable in the home forever, and it is likely that the house
will have to go to pay for a nursing home or hired help.

Time to fish or cut bait. Go find an apartment, line up a job, tell her
the date (i.e. April 5 or whatever). If hubbie elects not to go with,
you'll have a pretty good indicator of where things are headed, but I'm
willing to bet money he'll come along and be very relieved to do so.

M

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Dennis P. Harris - 16 Feb 2006 03:43 GMT

> My SIL has already commented negatively on putting her in a nursing
> home, as she doesn't think she is "that bad". This is my SIL's house,
> she takes care of the finances. She can't really afford to put her in a
> nursing home & keep this house which she (my SIL) has had for years.

The good news is that if your MIL doesn't have the money, your
SIL is NOT obligated to pay for her care in many states, and your
MIL should be eligible for Medicaid to pay for her nursing home
care. Not all facilities will take Medicaid patients, however.

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