Ireland Declares War on France
     Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when
his telephone rings.

     "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy
Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you
that we are officially declaring war on ye!"

     "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?"

     "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is
meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts
team from the pub. That makes eight!"

     Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

     "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

     Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

     "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

     "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor,"
answers Paddy.

     Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks
and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke."

     "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

     Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
boyos from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

     Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must
tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

     "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

     Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

     "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change
of heart?"

     "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few jars of Guinness,
and decided there is no foostering way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."