Liz if you are asking my opinion, I think it is definitely harder to move
someone twice.   It is hard enough to adjust to a new situation, but to ask
them to do it twice, it might be harder.   Once we got my mother in law out
of her house, we never once brought her back there again, because we knew
we'd need to call out the police and who knows what else, to get her back
out of there.

Your husband longs for home, but home is not a place, it is a state of mind
and a time when he was "normal" in the past, not a building.   For him
'home' is being in control of himself again, not an address.

Also, considering the aggression he is showing, and the fact you know he is
not in his right mind, you don't know what he could do and not really
understand it.   You are trying so hard to be conscientious about it, that
you may actually be placing yourself in danger by thinking about taking him
home.

One woman who used to post here was a tiny lady whose husband had been a
State trooper before he became ill.   She was subjected to all sorts of
difficulties by this guy.  He would defecate in his clothing and not allow
her to clean him, and he'd hit her too from time to time.   She went through
hell, but she would not place him no matter what.   He finally passed away,
but she had an awful time of it till then.

This illness affects people differently.   Some are gentle and kind
throughout and even to the very end.   Others are not.   Medications affect
people differently too.   Sometimes the violence and agitation are brought
under good control with the right meds, and sometimes they are not.   From
what I have read here over the last few years, there are certain forms of
dementia that are sort of a wild card, and you never know what will result.
The part of the brain that controls inhibitions and such, has deteriorated
first.

I do hope you realize that whatever delusion he is experiencing in his
illness is what is making him have this antipathy towards you.   I hope you
can be strong and make whatever decisions you need to in order to keep him
safe and you safe.   In any case if I were you, I wouldn't even begin to
think of the possibility of taking him home under the present circumstances.
You have no idea when this delusion will start again, even if they did
manage to get it under control.

If I were you I would rely very strongly on the advice of trained
professionals, but I would also think very carefully before bringing a large
male person with that kind of delusional thing going on into the house where
I would be the only one caring for him.

Good luck in whatever you decide,

Evelyn

Hi Liz,

If he wasn't detoxed very slowly off the valium (at least 4-6 weeks taper
from 15mg daily) then he might be having delayed withdrawal symptoms. These
WDs can manifest as behavior problems of every sort including hostility. He
might be holding you or his Drs responsible for his being detoxed and in his
perception thinking that things are worse for him without the valium. With a
25 yr benzo history, these WDs might last quite a while, months or longer.

No easy answers.   AW

Liz,

I wondered about Pick's when you first described his symptoms. We had a
gentleman (and I use the term advisedly) who was the well-beloved
principal of a local high school. He started groping and making sexual
overtures to staff members (and maybe students too though I never heard
tell of that). He was quickly put on unpaid leave while his wife kept
saying something had to be wrong with him. He became increasingly
paranoid and explosive at home. Finally he got a Pick's diagnosis, and
he was quickly moved to an AL facility where his medications could be
closely monitored.

What's really sad is that as the disease progressed, he lost the
aggressiveness and became a friendly genial man who had no idea who you
were but assumed you were a former student. His former students and
teachers made him the most-visited resident there, and when he
eventually died, the biggest church in town was overflowing.

My two cents? He's going to be mad at you either way, so opt for
placement, which keeps both of you safe. Don't forget, just as you
could take him home and then place him, you could place him and then
bring him home if circumstances change. No decision is forever at this
point. But at this time it sounds like the best option is to give him
as much staffing as possible to take care of him while he gets sorted
out. As one person -- you're outmanned. Let them do the "heavy lifting"
of 24 hours a day -- you be the advocate who deals with the doctor.

Songbird

Just keep remembering that IT'S NOT HIM, IT'S THE DISEASE.  His
brain is damaged.

Yes.

hi liz

i think you are doing the right thing, as the other posters suggest.  If you
were having a coffee with a girlfriend and she put all that to you re her
husband, i bet you'd advise the same.  i guess it shows your love for him
that you have given it so much thought.

are there any other family members that can be the good guy, (ie you are the
'bad guy') so at least he can have some non agro quiality time with someone?
sounds like you are going to (unfairly) cop his anger for a while.

any indication of how long until they find him somewhere?

chris (in melb - FIL has early Alz)