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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Alzheimer's / December 2005Care-giver divorce
As care-giver for my alz mother, I am of course frazzled. I am having marital problems that relate to the alz only in indirect ways. They existed prior to the alz but are harder to deal with now. My wife embarrasses me to the point of social paralysis. I am living temporarily in the rural south, in a place where most socialization is with relatives, and I have no relatives near here. I have been married for 10 years. One of my wife's annoying habits is that she talks about me to other people even when I am standing right next to her. I have begged her to stop for many many years, but she doesnt stop. She constantly introduces me to people whose name she doesnt even know. She also introduces me to people that I know better than she does, and to people that she had previously introduced me to. For that and other reasons, we are on the verge of divorce. We checked my mother into a nursing home just a few months ago so any alz burden on my wife is not related to this. She had only been an indicidental caregiver anyway. Our other primary reason for divorce is that after 11.5 years, she still doesnt know my name very well. My name starts with the same letter as her first husband's name, to whom she was married for 20 years. She occasionally called me by his name for years. I have begged her to stop that for years. In recent years, she has been saying the first letter of his and my name and omitting the rest. Her utterance could just as easily be his name as mine. Yesterday I bought her a Dale Carnegie book hoping that would help with the name problem. Over the years, I have begged her to call me by my middle name or by my formal first name, rather than the nickname that is similar to her first husband's name, but she put no effort into doing that. I am ready to divorce her and dont know what is holding me back. She has some emotional problems and has been seeing a shrink for 15 years, but she has a graduate degree and a successful career, so her mental problems are not so severe that she would be incapable of accomodating my little requests. Are my requests unreasonable? <snip tale of woe> > Are my requests unreasonable? Does it matter? Even if they were, are you going to change to stop being annoyed by them? If neither of you is going to change after 10 years then why would another year or ten make a difference? Only you know if you can live with that, but I'd have to say that the additional demands of looking after an Az patient could make the difference, because you tend to get annoyed by the repetition so even more annoyance, even if of a different sort, might just tip you over the edge. It wont be the first time someone here reported a partnership under severe strain.  SignatureTumbleweed email replies not necessary but to contact use; tumbleweednews at hotmail dot com You might want to try your question in alt.support.marriage or alt.support.divorce. My take on this - get some counselling and see what you can do to fix what you've got together. Your problems don't sound like deal breakers to me (I'm sure my hubbie of 17 years could give you a litany of MY annoying quirks and habits, and he's got some wierd ones too). What you are describing really seems petty, and it seems like its gotten to the point where you are so zeroed in and obsessed with a very minor range of behaviours that you can't see past them to the bigger picture. Most of my nutty stuff my husband just laughs at fondly - although I know in some households, things get to the point of war over little things like leaving the toilet seat up or down, or buying the "wrong" kind of cereal. Mature love has some give in it, so we accept and forgive each other for being who we are. I mean...is she kind and helpful? Is she a loving person? Is the physical side there? Is she a hard worker? Do you have things in common morally, spiritually, culturally? Does she have a sense of humour? Is she a good wife in most ways - does she contribute to the running of the household domestically or financially? Is the overall package positive, and you are focussing in on some minor details? Divorce is a horrendous process. Even my friends who have been through it for much more serious transgressions than you describe have been ripped apart by it (i.e. its not like swatting a pesky fly, and then being relieved its gone and going on like nothing has happened). You really do have to consider what your life will be like after a divorce - better or worse than right now. Since you are looking at divorce as the solution, you may not be clearly thinking through the consequences, the social and emotional fall out, the lifestyle changes, the lonliness, having to rebuild your entire life from the ground up in midlife. Many friends who have been through divorce say that if they knew what it would be like, they would have worked harder to keep it together. For me, the deal breakers are things like cruelty, infidelity, violence, intransigent drugs and alcohol problems, lying, stealing - all the really big character flaws that often can't be overcome or fixed because they go to the core of who someone is morally. By the way, my own late father couldn't remember my husband's surname. He constantly called him Berton instead of Bertram (BERTRAM Dad, you know, that guy I MARRIED!!). At the time I thought it was annoying. Now we laugh about it. Mary I think Mary pegged it but I'd have to add that when Hubby and I were in the thick of dealing with all of the heavy duty issues with my MIL, we noticed it became very easy to argue about minutia. Tiny things can blow out of proportion because they are easier to look at than the really uncomfortable issues you are dealing with (like having to put your Mom in a nursing home). Counseling could help you figure out if you're just obsessing over details to avoid dealing with something uncomfortable or if there is really something wrong worth trashing the relationship over. And counseling could help you deal with what you're going through with your Mom. If you've seen this for the whole 10 years, it either wasn't that big of a deal before or you must have been incredibly non-reactive in years 1-9. If it wasn't a big deal before, why now? It seems strange that it's bothering you more now that your mom is in a nursing home than it did before when you and your wife were caregivers. However, I'm not a marriage counselor. They're much more skilled and tactful. But Alzheimer's can put a strain on relationships just by using up your patience and understanding in other directions so that you have none left for situations that normally wouldn't bother you. Karen p.s. I confess that I would be curious about what is involved in being an "incidental caregiver" because caregiving for someone with Alzheimer's can be pretty wearing on almost any scale after awhile -- more so if it's in your home. A counselor could also help you see if you're minimizing your wife's efforts at caregiving. > You might want to try your question in alt.support.marriage or > alt.support.divorce. [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > point where you are so zeroed in and obsessed with a very minor range > of behaviours that you can't see past them to the bigger picture. -----snipped some very good advice and comment----- > ... > My take on this - <<< outstanding advice elided >>> > ... frazzled, I was going to reply to your query but then I read Mary's reply and realized I couldn't have said anything half as good. My advice would be to read and think about Mary's response a couple more times. I think she's hit the nail on the head. Alan >> ... >> My take on this - <<< outstanding advice elided >>> [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > > Alan She always does! :-) SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') I am left wondering here 10years and she cant remember your name or what you want to be called and cant remember which are your friends and introduces you to them? Seing a shrink for 15 years? I dont think your requests are unreasonable. Does she want a divorce? She doesnt seem to want a divorce, although she does bring it up occasionally when we discuss the problems because she says she is too old to change. We have separated overnight a few times over the years over these issues - mainly the one about talking about me to other people in my presence and embarrassing me. We are in our early fifties and at our ages, I think a second divorce for each of us would very possibly destroy both of us. We had no children together. Other than my alz mother, my wife is the only family I have. Having lived here in Kinfolkville, Bubbastate for 15 years, I have lost contact with most of my "english speaking" friends. I haven't learned how to speak "bubbaspeak" and dont want to. I have nothing in common with the men here my age. We have been planning to move to the west coast together next summer. If we divorce, I will take my mother and go immediately. If I lose my wife, I will have nobody. That has been the reason for my delay. During the years I took full time care of my mother at home, my wife was the only support I had other than support groups consisting mainly of 80 year olds. Even her 28 year old son had very little to do with us during those years even though he lived 10 minutes away. She doesnt seem to want a divorce, although she does bring it up occasionally when we discuss the problems because she says she is too old to change. We have separated overnight a few times over the years over these issues - mainly the one about talking about me to other people in my presence and embarrassing me. We are in our early fifties and at our ages, I think a second divorce for each of us would very possibly destroy both of us. We had no children together. Other than my alz mother, my wife is the only family I have. Having lived here in Kinfolkville, Bubbastate for 15 years, I have lost contact with most of my "english speaking" friends. I haven't learned how to speak "bubbaspeak" and dont want to. I have nothing in common with the men here my age. We have been planning to move to the west coast together next summer. If we divorce, I will take my mother and go immediately. If I lose my wife, I will have nobody. During the years I took full time care of my mother at home, my wife was the only support I had other than support groups consisting mainly of 80 year olds. Even her 28 year old son had very little to do with us during those years even though he lived 10 minutes away. > She doesnt seem to want a divorce, although she does bring it up > occasionally when we discuss the problems because she says she is too [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > and at our ages, I think a second divorce for each of us would very > possibly destroy both of us. I don't know why you would say that. Seems to me if she's constantly embarassing you and is "too old to change" but it really, really grates on you, you need to decide whether you want to continue putting up with it or move on. Personally, I would rather live alone than live with someone who is a constant irritant, and I was the same when my mother was alive. Why would a divorce "destroy" you? I can't understand why. The feeling I had after my divorce was great relief. I somewhat have to go with Dennis here, if you cant live with yourself you cant live with anyone. Frazzled your 2nd post seemed almost opposite to your first. Maybe you were having an extremely bad day on the first posting? The disease of AD certainly can be all overwhelming at times. Good Luck in whatever way you choose to go. |
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