We lied to my dad and told him he was going there for a check up and would
be there for a few hours. Only way to do it, there was no way he would have
gone otherwise. Initially made the mistake of telling him he was going there
overnight which he wouldnt do, he plainly refused.

Alternatives you could try would be excuses like moving out for a few days
for decoration, gas leak, etc.

Go out with her like you might do anyway, having already put suitcase with
some clothes and stuff in car without her seeing,  then go to home, and act
as if it was all planned, if necessary say '*we* are staying over here
tonight due to the fire/gas leak/redecoration (use whatever she will find
most believable & if it doesnt work wait 5 mins and try again).
Alternatively could you be going for a visit to check it out for a friend?
Then just disappear for a few days? It sounds harsh but you are between a
rock and a hard place, alternative is she burns her condo down or wanders
off at 3 am or something.

As you say there is of course no point trying to persuade her in advance, in
fact I wouldn't even try and persuade her at the time, she probably wont
want to from what you say and even if she does will likely forget a minute
later.

Worst case, if she is taken there forceably she'll forget the trauma by the
next day or maybe the next week. Took my dad about a week to 2 weeks and he
had to be medicated for part of that and he was declared incompetent
('sectioned' in UK terms) to make him stay. It was either that or my mother
would have ended up in a home due to the stress and then he'd have had to
have gone anyway as he couldn't cope by himself. Sounds similar in your case
except the harm is to herself.

FWIW, 2 years on, he still doesnt know where he is. Sometimes, sitting
outside, he'll say 'are we going now'....not sure where he thinks he'd be
going.  Dunno whether to laugh or cry...well, mostly I laugh as it would be
too depressing otherwise.

Don't ask her. Just do it. She's never going to agree with you. She has
a damaged brain and she has no insight into her own problems and
impairments, let alone that she isn't safe living alone.  On top of
that, her memory is damaged, so any kind of change, including new
people, is terrifying, even if she was capable of the logic and
reasoning required to figure out assisted living would be a good thing
for her. Seriously. If you are waiting for her to say "Yes, Rich, I
agree, I should move!!" hell will freeze over first.

She is not going to like anywhere new, period, even if its the Hilton.

Make the booking and get her a room. Talk to the doc about prescribing
some meds just in case she gets wound up so the staff have it if she
needs it. Arrange for her to go visit someone in the family for a
couple of days. While she's out of the way, get other family members to
pack up whatever is needed from her condo, and have it moved to her new
space in assisted living. Get everything all arranged, unpacked, hung,
personalized, decorated etc. so when you bring her there, there is no
fussing at all - her room is 100% ready for her, clothing in the
drawers, hairbrush on the bureau, pictures on the wall.  Share a nice
evening meal with her there, have a visit, and go home.

Tell her whatever you think you need to. There is no point to start
cranking her up far in advance and get her all stirred up with
information that will upset her and that she will forget everytime you
tell her. Make up whatever - that its temporary, that she's there for a
holiday, that she's there for an assessment, that her apartment is
being fumigated or painted, she's helping you out by staying there for
a few days or WHATEVER. Tell her she knew all about this but has
forgotten (which would be true even if she agreed to the idea).

Whatever you do, don't get into arguing with her. Its also better to
distract and divert her if she gets on the subject of wanting to go
somewhere else (i.e. better not to make a big deal about it - just be
matter of fact like the discussion has ended and change the subject!).
Just trust that she WILL settle in and adapt, and that in some ways,
her impaired memory and her inability to organize herself to action are
gifts.

Safety trumps everything else. My mother in law actually did say she'd
move, and we immediately lept on that and made all the arrangements -
and of course, she kept forgetting that she'd ever agreed to anything
and we just didn't bother reopening the conversation. We just took care
of everything over a weeks and pulled all the levers behind the
curtain, and then ta-da, we shipped her off to her sisters and when she
came back it was into her nice new room (we kept all the legwork,
decisions, packing, moving etc. far, far away from her).

I know this is so hard, but we were all HUGELY relieved when we finally
had her in her placement since she really, really wasn't safe in her
own place alone, even with tons of hired and family supports and
services (a part time housekeeper, visiting nurses, visiting
physiotherapist, social worker, meals on wheels, family members over
there all the time etc. etc.). The strain was awful.

Mary G.

I know it's hard, but I absolutely agree with all that has been said here.
You have to just do it.  I know, it's lying to your mom and we've all been
taught that it's wrong to do that.  First thing you have to do is get over
that idea.  We don't call it lying, we call it "loving deceptions".

I've had lots of families that are right where you are on this decision and
I know how hard it is.  I've also been there, done that with my own mom.
You have all our sympathy.

Now...Tell her whatever you know will work with her.  Gas leak in her
apartment, bugs that need to be exterminated, the whole place is being
repainted, whatever it takes.

It's for her own safety. It's amazing how fast people adjust to new living
situations.  Oh, she may be mad at you.  She may be angry at you for awhile.
You may not want to get her a phone right away.  Where I work, an Assisted
Living for people with dementia, we deal with this ALL THE TIME!  Ask for
suggestions from the administration at the A/L.  They will probably know the
best thing for your mom.

Yes, do make sure her doctor has prescribed something for anxiety to be
given "as needed" for your mom.  It'll help her adjust and it'll make the
move so much more pleasant an experience for all involved.

You have all our best wishes here.  Good luck, and I hope you keep coming
back here.

Patty

I know it's hard, but I absolutely agree with all that has been said here.
You have to just do it.  I know, it's lying to your mom and we've all been
taught that it's wrong to do that.  First thing you have to do is get over
that idea.  We don't call it lying, we call it "loving deceptions".

I've had lots of families that are right where you are on this decision and
I know how hard it is.  I've also been there, done that with my own mom.
You have all our sympathy.

Now...Tell her whatever you know will work with her.  Gas leak in her
apartment, bugs that need to be exterminated, the whole place is being
repainted, whatever it takes.

It's for her own safety. It's amazing how fast people adjust to new living
situations.  Oh, she may be mad at you.  She may be angry at you for awhile.
You may not want to get her a phone right away.  Where I work, an Assisted
Living for people with dementia, we deal with this ALL THE TIME!  Ask for
suggestions from the administration at the A/L.  They will probably know the
best thing for your mom.

Yes, do make sure her doctor has prescribed something for anxiety to be
given "as needed" for your mom.  It'll help her adjust and it'll make the
move so much more pleasant an experience for all involved.

You have all our best wishes here.  Good luck, and I hope you keep coming
back here.

Patty

Great advice from everyone else.  We told my MIL we were stopping to pick up
a book and got her back into the secured Alzheimer's area.  Yes, she had
tantrums, fits and hysterics but she was not emotionally stable enough to do
it any other way (we had already tried other ways).  She did have to be
sedated, but the mixed blessing of the disease is that 3 weeks later she
decided that she had put herself there and everything was okay from that
point.  I think a stable environment, regular good meals and regular
medication had a lot to do with her settling down.

It's almost like when you're dealing with a small child.  You know they
aren't capable of making their own decisions and remembering them.  The
hazard comes when habit takes over and you start responding to her as though
she were still capable of making those decisions.  Hubby and I have found
that having 2 people present helps a lot because when she starts to get
agitated with one, the other can introduce a distraction.  "Look at that
flower, what kind is it?"  "Come see the view out of this window!" and so
forth.

I have to say Alzheimer's has challenged my creative skills more than
anything else I've experienced.  I think we all become proficient in glib
fibs because it's necessary.

Karen

My dad moved to a "supported independent" apartment about 3 1/2 years ago.
Prior to the move, he was in his home of some 40 plus years, unable to
drive, completely dependent on calling a friend for a ride.  My mother was
in a nursing home about 80 miles away.  He owned the new apartment, but had
done nothing about furnishing it or making the move.

He has "vascular dementia" as an aftereffect of several TIA's, or mini
strokes, or whatever you want to call them.  His five adult children showed
up, rented a truck, packed it, drove to the apartment and unpacked.  We
basically took away from him his ability to stay in the house in a kind of
wierd state of suspension.  He is MUCH MUCH better off now, he has more
social interaction with alert pleasant neighbors and friends, he can take
the residence shuttle bus to the symphony, to the store, to the barber, etc.

But he still expresses resentment that when he moved, it was not his idea.
He probably has more mid term memory than your mother { his short term
memory is lousy } but he was completely unable to see clearly that where he
was and how he was living was an impossible situation.  We needed to take
the situation in hand, and like the ads say "Just do It!"  We are all 100%
convinced that we did the right thing.

Good luck and stick around.  This is a fantastic group of people and a great
source of help and support.

make all the arrangements.  have someone take her for a drive
somewhere for the day, and end up at the new place where her
favorite chair, tv, etc. are all waiting.

it's called "loving deception", and it's really kindness.

and email is not OK --- the group is for sharing.

Everyone has given you excellent advice..
Mary is always right on the ball.  Just do it!
I feel your fears,  I've recently gone thru them with my husband.
"What ifs"  took over my waking hours.  
The AL facilities are experienced and generally handle all the "what
ifs"..  Ask their advice.  

First I'd advise everyone to stop discussing it with  Mom.. or near her.
A copy of the POA and Dr's papers are probably all you need.
Get someone, who will not fall apart at the parting, to take her &
settle her in with perhaps a see you soon attitude, enjoy your
vacation.(or whatever)

Sounds cold but it is kind..... then leave her to herself for at least a
couple of weeks..The AL facility should help her thru . Once she gets
established in the routine things will improve. She will be safe.  Never
ever talk of home or what is being done about or to it unless you
absolutely "know'" she wont get  upset.

Good luck  & God's strength