tell her that the time she spends with him now can be quality
time, when she is rested and under far less stress.  she can
focus her visits on sharing good times with him and let the staff
deal with the stressful times of day.

she can finally get some rest.  

she did what she could, and was wise enough to let someone else
take on the burden when the task was beyond her capabilities.
guilt is simply NOT allowed!

Les, you made your point very well right here!

You care about her and you want her to be able to take care of herself while
someone else does the more stressful and more difficult part of the
caregiving.   Once your dad is placed in a facility, your mom will finally
be able to get some rest and see him when she is refreshed and able.

I don't think there is any way of getting over the guilt she feels
beforehand, but you can try and make her see that she will be more able to
be loving and supportive when she is rested and capable, rather than
frazzled and exhausted from caregiving.

How do I know whereof I speak?   I cared for my mother in law here at home
for several years, and I felt like I was abandoning her when I finally
placed her, but I was so grateful for the peace and quiet, for the ability
to regain my own health and equilibrium, and that someone else was doing all
the hard part, that I couldn't help but accept it.

Also when I saw how she adapted to the routine of the nursing home within a
few short weeks, and was eating well, sleeping well, and seemed comfortable
there, I was able to realize it wasn't a bad thing after all.

I could go on and on about guilt..however I realize now how guilty I
would feel if I were to take my husband of 56 years out of the facility
he is in now.  He has been in this place since May of this year.

It was respite for me in the beginning.  After 4 months I realized I
would have been removing him ,not out of guilt, but because I was losing
my reason to be...
my job.  The cost is ,of course ,
a big consideration too.

He is so much happier there.  He's kept amused.  He has people with him
who don't get annoyed with the things AD has done to this great guy.  He
has a bit of a life there I could not supply.

My kids said, Mom you can always go back to the old way of being the
caregiver---nothing is forever.  With that in mind & the resolve to not
visit a few weeks in the beginning I believe he has found his little
world.  Of course it difficult to fill my hours now. But fair is fair---
removing him now seems so selfish

Florence

Everyone else has made some very good points so I won't repeat them.  When
someone has Alzheimer's you have to work on the basis of what the person
would have wanted before they developed it.

Your Pop would not want his care to become such a strain on her.  Stress on
caregivers is a major health issue and because caregivers typically worry
about others (but not themselves) they typically don't realize what a price
they are paying until it's too late.

Your Pop would want her to take care of herself so the rest of the family
can have her around in a healthy state for as long as possible.

Putting someone in a facility doesn't mean you don't care about them, it
means you care about them enough to admit your own limitations and take
steps to make sure they receive good care from multiple people that are all
fresher because they only do it for 8 hours at a time with breaks and lunch
(not 24/7).  This gives them a level of patience that, IMO, isn't possible
in someone stressed out from being on watch constantly no matter how loving
they may be.

There will still be plenty of opportunities for your Mom to show how much
she cares.  For now, she's honoring his wishes by taking care of herself.

Karen