I lose it and say inappropriate things all the time, and then feel very
thankful that Mom no longer remembers and carries a grudge. I do have to
watch out because if I walk around angry and NOT saying something she picks
up on that and will pee on my chair or something.

Mom is 91 now, and totally impaired, but when she was in her mid 80's she
still drove her car. She got lost a couple of times before anyone got aware
of it, I was working around 30 miles away at the time and not coming home
until rather late. She had been a brilliant woman, and she was quite
creative at hiding her problems at first.

One day she had gone to the church with a friend of hers, and they got lost
on the way home and neither could figure out how to get home for a couple of
hours. The son of the other lady called me and said "Did you know our Mom's
were lost all afternoon yesterday?"

That was the first big clue. I quit my job at the end of that school year
and "helped" her drive. Those first years were really nice, being able to
spend time together and travel. I had worked since age 16 steadily at one
thing or another. It was like a vacation. This past year or so has been
seriously hard.

Yes, I "lost it" a few times.  Fortunately they forget all about it.

In my mother in law's case, she forgot completely when she last had a bath,
and if you asked her, she would say "just yesterday".... but the tub was
full of buckets and mops and other junk, and had an inch of dust in the
bottom.  No one had taken a bath in that tub a for a long time.

Hi Galena..... I could have written your post a few years ago.  I too, have
two brothers that were in denial for years about my mother's dementia.
It's like has the whole world has gone mad and an I'm only the sane one????
I have posted this information before but you may have missed it.   My
mother has had dementia for 12 years now and it is progressing very, very
slowly.   She first told me about it in October 1993.   My brother helped
buy her a new car in 1996.  He was down in Florida where she was spending
her winters (she spends her summers in Indiana).  The deal was made and I
went along with it because at the time she was married even though her
husband couldn't drive and nobody asked me about it anyway.   They probably
wouldn't told me (I live in Indiana) except that as a GM employee I had a
discount that my mother could use.  The one everybody gets now BTW...  sorry
for the plug...Well, Mom's husband died in '98 and my oldest brother
continued to take her to Florida as he had done for years and left her car
there for her to drive.  In the fall of 2000 my brother told me that Mom
wanted a new car.  He lives in near me here in Indiana and of course I was
supposed to get the discount for her.   I finally had enough and told him
that he shouldn't be spending her money on a car she couldn't afford and had
no business driving.  He said that Mom wasn't impaired enough to quit
driving and I was totally wrong.  He backed off though but she was still
driving.  I and my husband had since retired from GM so we went down to
spend a few weeks with her in Florida in January 2001.   I realized at that
time she was getting noticeably worse.   She never drove more than a few
blocks but sometimes would get out on a busy road.   She said if she got
lost she would ask for directions to the railroad tracks and then she could
find her way home.   She lived in a park that was near the tracks.  Also
when I was down there I has to spend several hours cleaning the bathrooms
and doing laundry and cleaning the kitchen before I would even unpack and I
convinced her to let me do the cooking.  Neither one of brothers really
noticed this when they would visit.  I might add that both were bachelors.
To make a long story short, I went online to the bureau of motor vehicles
for the state of Florida and followed their instructions for reporting an
impaired driver.   Everybody knew it was me that reported Mom even though
this info is confidential but I didn't care.   I knew what had to be done.
My oldest brother vowed that Mom would pass her test.   She went to the
first interview (my aunt who was living near her at the time took her) at
the license bureau and didn't do very well.   Then they sent her a notice to
come in and take a driving test.   She couldn't remember to go and didn't
know how to get there on her own anyway.   Her license was suspended.   My
brother wanted to leave her car in Florida so a neighbor could take her to
the store.  Of course she would drive it if it were there.   I told him I
would report the car and it's license to the local authorities and if she
were caught driving or was in an accident she could go to jail.  I was
pretty direct and quite frankly I had to be.   Also my brother was so sure
she would pass the driver's test here in Indiana.   He tried to help her
with the questions but soon realized that she could never pass.   After all
was said and done he finally told me that I was right ... she shouldn't be
driving.   Mom couldn't remember what happened and wasn't angry either.   My
other brother pretty much stayed out of it but in 2004 he married a lovely
lady who happens to be a  nurse and who finally opened his eyes to his
mother's dementia...thank God.....Mom is still getting along ok and has a
very sweet disposition and shows none of psychotic symptoms of dementia.
Hopefully we will get her into an assisted living facility this fall
meanwhile my oldest brother does a very good job of looking after her.   I
do believe his heart was in the right place but his brain just had to catch
up......June

I haven't lost it and said it to Mom, but I have said it to Dad, in an
effort to shake him out of his denial and realize he needs help.
Unfortunately, she is not so far gone as to not understand what I am saying.
She knows, thinks I am right, and is embarassed but would hardly go against
Dad's wishes.

The monastics used to have a phrase "to speak the truth in love." It meant
that sometimes you had to confront your brother, not to rebuke him but to
help him see the truth so he could amend his ways. That hardly fits when the
person you are speaking to someone who *cannot* amend her ways, but it is
helpful to me when dealing with others about her. I am not saying "her house
is a wreck, she doesn't bathe, her clothes are not clean" to hurt or
embarass her but to seek help for her.

It eases the guilt, but not always the pain.

Songbird

you were telling her the truth, and you had the best of
intentions.  one rule of this group is that GUILT IS NOT ALLOWED,
since caregivers often have to do things to keep their loved ones
safe even though they may have promised to never do it (placement
in a facility when it becomes impossible to provide 24/7 care,
for example) or because telling them the truth would only get
them upset for no good reason (when they have delusions, for
instance, or to get them to a doctor's appointment when they
don't want to go).

the two most helpful phrases to remember are IT'S NOT HER/HIM,
IT'S THE DISEASE THAT'S DESTROYING HER/HIS BRAIN and GUILT IS NOT
ALLOWED.  

as far as your family is concerned, denial is not a river in
egypt.  it's very, very common for one sibling to be a realist,
and everyone else, including a caregiver spouse, to be in denial.