 |
 | Home | Contact Us | FAQ | Search & Site Map | Link to Us |
 | Sign In | Join | Other 45 Sites in Network |
Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Alzheimer's / September 2005Just plain angry
My mom is 55 and was diagnosed with early onset of AD in January. And I'm losing it!! I'm 23 and for the most part everything has fallen on my shoulders. Or at least it feels that way. I've got an older sister, but she's incredibly unreliable. I find myself being angry with my mom and I know it's not her fault and saying it's not fair won't make it go away...but I can't help the rage everytime I'm dealing with a new situation. I'm going crazy. I've decided to find a support group and some chat rooms on the subject....at least to find out if I'm the only one out there that feels like this. My mom is having a DNA test in a few weeks to see if she has the genetic disformity for AD. Perhaps my anger is from the fear that I might be in my mom's shoes someday or perhaps it's just from the fact that I wasn't ready to become a caregiver so young when I still need my mom...I don't know. Anyway, if anyone's had to deal with a parent being diagnosed at a young age or have been diagnosed young, I'd really appreciate some perspective. I'm 35 and taking care of my mom, who is 80 (I was a surprise!). I understand your frustration in feeling alone in your situation. I don't know anyone my age who isn't totally preoccupied with their children. Their mothers go to lunch with them, help them pick maternity clothes, blah blah blah. On Thursday I will be attending my first meeting of Adult Children of Early-Onset Dementia (or something like that). It's supposed to be for people in their 20's and 30's. Check to see if there's one like it in your area. I'm hoping it will help me. After all, the group already existed. It was not created for me. So there are others in my situation. You are not alone. > My mom is 55 and was diagnosed with early onset of AD in January. And > I'm losing it!! I'm 23 and for the most part everything has fallen on [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > young age or have been diagnosed young, I'd really appreciate some > perspective. Hi Taina, Welcome to the group. I am sure that you will find a great deal of help here if you remain. There is no doubt that having a mother develop this disease while she is still young, and while you yourself are still young, is a terribly unfair situation. At your age you might be looking forward to having your mom be supportive of you for at least a few more years, and here you are having to take care of her instead. According to a very wise man I know, he told me that only compassion can combat anger. Anger is a caustic emotion that rots the vessel that carries it, and you need to be on your feet and functioning at your best throughout this journey. So it might be helpful for you to regard your own anger as "the enemy," as much as Alzheimers disease itself is "the enemy." It can cause you to feel guilt, it can make you unhappy, it can make those around you unhappy. So it only makes sense to try and NOT indulge your feelings of anger if at all possible. Sometimes anger can be constructive, in that it can spur you on to action, but in the case of this awful illness, I think there is little benefit to it. It won't help you and it won't help your mom, and those are the two people most concerned, in your situation. Knowledge is the most important thing for you right now. You need to learn absolutely all you can possibly learn about the illness, and what you can expect, and techniques to deal with the frustration and the depression and the feelings of helplessness and anger that invitably will arise. You need to know what legal and medical help is available and how to work towards getting it. This is a difficult journey for your mom, and making it easier for her will also make it easier for you. It has been said that in a case of Alzheimers in a family, one does all ones grieving and crying at the beginning, and I think that is true. When my mother in law passed over on April 23rd of this year, we cried, but only a little. We were so glad that her suffering was over at last. Feel free to come here to ask questions, to vent, or to share.  SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') Taina, I'm sorry you find yourself in such a tragic situation. Please get a copy of "The 36 Hour Day" by Mace & Rabins. It will really help you to understand and know how to react. Gwen > My mom is 55 and was diagnosed with early onset of AD in January. And > I'm losing it!! I'm 23 and for the most part everything has fallen on [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > young age or have been diagnosed young, I'd really appreciate some > perspective. Hi, I am new reading in here because it looks as if my husband age 56 is deteriorating. He has not yet been diagnosed. I am trying to get him to his doctor. I can understand your frustration. We have only been married a year and the strain of having to repeat myself so much and to keep reminding him where we keep food just wears me out. This group seems very helpful. I wish you luck LJ > My mom is 55 and was diagnosed with early onset of AD in January. And > I'm losing it!! I'm 23 and for the most part everything has fallen on [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > young age or have been diagnosed young, I'd really appreciate some > perspective. I just found this group today and have also been reading the messages. In my case it's my 94 year old mother. I'm 75. Fortunately she lives next door so I can check on her many times a day. This isn't how I expected to be spending my Golden Years but I've learned to take it one day at a time. She's been on a downslide since my brother passed away in April. I'm hoping to get a Durable Power of Attorney this week so I can handle her finances. I'm on all of her bank accounts and CD's but the CD's only go to me when she passes. I'll need to access that money to pay for her care should she have to go in an assisted living facility or nursing home. Carolyn >I just found this group today and have also been reading the messages. > In my case it's my 94 year old mother. I'm 75. Fortunately she lives [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > nursing home. > Carolyn Welcome Carolyn. My dad is almost your mother's age, and although he doesn't have alzheimers disease, he does have some deficits due to arterial blockages. Good luck in getting the paperwork you need. Feel free to come and post here anytime. SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') Hi Carolyn....Sounds like you're doing what you need to do. My husband is 72 and handling his mother's finances she's 101 and slipping fast. She was still bowling and was still very active and seemed quite normal when she fell at home in March of this year. Within a week she was in a nursing home and now just a few months later she's really out of it. She talks mostly gibberish now and no it's not the drugs because the family stopped all drugs several weeks ago thinking that was the problem. One of aides in the NH said that she has never seen dementia progress this fast. We can only assume the progression is so fast because of her age. Nothing has been diagnosed. Her house had to be sold and her belongings auctioned off. Her oldest daughter is 81 and does what she can to help but her health isn't all that good and has macular degeneration. The up side of this is the fact that my MIL had 100 good years.... >I just found this group today and have also been reading the messages. > In my case it's my 94 year old mother. I'm 75. Fortunately she lives [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > nursing home. > Carolyn > Within a week she was in a nursing > home and now just a few months later she's really out of it. She talks > mostly gibberish now and no it's not the drugs because the family stopped > all drugs several weeks ago thinking that was the problem. One of aides in > the NH said that she has never seen dementia progress this fast. at her age, it may be partly due to circulatory problems since she can't walk any more. the exercise and activity probably helped to keep partial arterial blockages clear until it stopped. she may have had some strokes or TIAs. > at her age, it may be partly due to circulatory problems since > she can't walk any more. the exercise and activity probably > helped to keep partial arterial blockages clear until it stopped. > she may have had some strokes or TIAs. Hi Dennis.....What you say makes a lot of sense but I guess we'll never know for sure. Most doctors really don't know how to treat someone of my MIL's age. I remember when she went to the sports doctor a few years ago because her knee was bothering her and interfered with her bowling. He said I've never treated a 93 year old woman before and really didn't know what to do. At least he gave her some exercises and she was soon back to bowling. She really got a kick out of going. While in the waiting room she overheard the nurses and staff trying to figure what woman in the waiting room was 93. Nobody had seen her with grey hair until just a few months ago in the NH. .....June >> at her age, it may be partly due to circulatory problems since >> she can't walk any more. the exercise and activity probably [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > Nobody had seen her with grey hair until just a few months ago in the NH. > .....June June, it is often a problem that doctors, when confronted with an aging patient, often fail to look for or test for all the various things they would do with a younger patient. In some cases this is definitely the better course, like for instance my mother in law who had alzheimers disease developed pancreatic cancer. The recovery rate for that particular cancer is very bad anyway. On top of the alzheimers, it was a blessing in disguise in a way, because a prolonged suffering death from that illness is not one of the better ways to go. In a younger person they might treat it aggressively with chemo etc. In her case, it was not the thing to do as it would just prolong her misery and she wouldn't even understand the treatment or anything. But I would definitely might say that a person who has been physically and mentally healthy for all those years, suddenly showing some sort of symptom or other, ought to be very carefully diagnosed, so you know what is what before making decisions about not to treat. SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') taina GET A CLUE. TAKE A HINT AND TAKE A HIKE. I am 33 and know exactly what you are talking about! IT SUCKS being as young as we are and having this kind of responsibility. It is probably much worse for us because we are young and have so much we still want to do. That's why I say that parents who have children later in life are doing an injustice to the child. >My mom is 55 and was diagnosed with early onset of AD in January. And >I'm losing it!! I'm 23 and for the most part everything has fallen on [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] >young age or have been diagnosed young, I'd really appreciate some >perspective. >I am 33 and know exactly what you are talking about! IT SUCKS being as >young as we are and having this kind of responsibility. It is probably >much worse for us because we are young and have so much we still want >to do. You have to be philosophic about such things. Many people around the world are far worse us whether it be carer, somebody with A.D., friend or family member. At 33 you can rejoice that you didn't die at 20... -- 2 + 2 = 5 for sufficiently large values of 2. I hate to be blunt, but give me a flipping break. My parents had me when they were in their late 20's. My mother died at 47 and my dad at 63. Both gone by the time I was 34. My FIL was already gone when I got married at 31, and then my MIL went into her slow decline and was dead from AD by the time I was 42. Stuff happens. Life isn't fair. No time is a convenient time to deal with illness, death and disability. 33 is not a kid - or maybe in today's world we want to stay adolescent until we're 50. M. >I am 33 and know exactly what you are talking about! IT SUCKS being as > young as we are and having this kind of responsibility. It is probably [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > That's why I say that parents who have children later in life are > doing an injustice to the child. Mick, you are wasting your time being angry and seeking to blame someone. Life sucks in general. Nobody knows when they are going to die. I am going to be 64 years old in two weeks and my father is 93 years old and still going strong. Nobody knows who is going to get alzheimers and who isn't. Nobody knows who is going to die young or live a long time. At 33 I had three little kids..... talk about being tied down with responsibility! Quit wasting time on anger and get going. If you have the mental energy to waste, get on the phone and start raising some resources to get you a break. Look into support groups, adult daycare centers, get a granny sitter or two lined up so you can get out. Better yet, try and get her moved into an assisted living so you can be more free. You aren't cut out for this caregiving job and you are going to need more help. SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') I guess what really gets me is the assumption that people who are middle aged or older have less on their plates, or have nothing else they want to do than look after parents or other loved ones. I did my caregiving for the "older" generation mostly in my 30's and early 40's. Now I'm pushing 50 up the hill (I'll be 50 in 2006), and rather than ramping down, my life is more busy and hectic than ever between family, work, and friends, and I have zillions of things I want to do and can't get to. And when I finally get to retire from my working life, I promise you, I can think of a few things I'd like to do OTHER than look after sick people. I also find it irritating that anyone thinks that the timing of children is totally about the future convenience of the kids as adults - or that it work out that you can have your kids when you are young is any kind of guarantee of anything. I do genealogy as a hobby, and I promise you, the idea that families neatly and conveniently had their kids in their 20's and then lived to be healthy elders is one that I've rarely seen in my trees. In prior generations when there was no (or very unreliable) birth control and large families were the norm, women kept having kids until nature turned off the apparatus. My great grandmother, for example, had 10 kids, including twins at 47 and her last baby at 48. And I look at the lives of my grandparents and parents, and hey, I'm not seeing anything easy and tidy about the patterns of their lives either, even with better birth control. Husbands were away at war, times were hard, early death, illness, disability etc. happened. Even today - I have many friends who ended up with totally different families than they expected because of deaths, divorce, remarriages, delayed marriages, fertility problems and surprise pregancies (one year I had three friends in their early 40's - two were 43 and one was 44 - who had additions to their families they weren't anticipating). We won't talk about adoptions, or having to raise grandkids etc. etc. M. >I guess what really gets me is the assumption that people who are > middle aged or older have less on their plates, or have nothing else [quoted text clipped - 34 lines] > > M. I hear you Mary. Life seldom goes according to any preconceived plans. I could use some advice as I am trying to put together a geneology for one branch of my family. Just got the family bible from 1803 with some (just a few entries) to connect to, and some information from my elderly uncle that may help with stuff that has been somewhat vague until just now. I am quite excited about looking this stuff up! If you have any good advice on how best to proceed, please write to me at mama-lion at hvc dot rr dot com. I'd much appreciate it. My return address I use here is munged to cut the spam factor. SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') >I guess what really gets me is the assumption that people who are > middle aged or older have less on their plates, or have nothing else > they want to do than look after parents or other loved ones. Or don't have their own health problems to deal with! I consider myself relatively healthy (though looking at the meds I have to take every day for asthma, stomach problems, etc., you might not think so!) and taking care of my mom for a week wore me out. No wonder my 70yo Dad can't handle it, though he refuses to admit it. I've decided I just have to wait til he "hits bottom" in AA parlance. Songbird |
Reply to this Message |
 Sign In
 Join
 My Latest Posts My Monitored Threads My Blog My Photo Gallery My Profile My Homepage Start New Thread Enable EMail Alerts Rate this Thread
|
©2009 Advenet LLC Privacy Policy - Terms of Use
This website includes both content owned or controlled by Advenet as well as content owned or controlled by third parties.