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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Alzheimer's / August 2005Denial
I posted a message a short time ago about my brother being in denial about our mother's dementia even though she's had it for almost 12 years now. He has been taking her to Florida to live alone every winter for several years now. Finally Mom told him she didn't want to go to Florida alone. So now he thinks he can find someone to stay with her 'sigh' That's one can of worms I don't even want to think about. Hopefully he won't find anybody. I can almost talk my mother into assisted living but brother says he will remain neutral. I have to keep reminding him that since he has POA that he is responsible and will have to start making decisions for her. Even he has mentioned that she can no longer decide on what groceries to buy when he takes her to the market. But he still thinks she can decide where to live. The trailer she stays in here in Indiana during the summer is fine for summer. It's very small and old but has a sunroom that can used during the summer months. The best thing about it is that it's next door to my brother. Anyway I think I finally found out today what his problem is with assisted living. He thinks she won't like it and will blame him. He hopes that she will hate the trailer and then decide on assisted living after the winter. I told him that she will probably like assisted living and won't remember how she got there anyway. When her mind was better she told me she never wanted to spend a winter in that trailer. Most of the assisted living facilities around here have a waiting list. I found one close by that has been recommended to me by a friend and it's the most reasonably priced as well. Today I put her name on the waiting list. There was no cost to do so. I have probably a few months to pull this thing together. The saga continues and 12 years is long time....... >I posted a message a short time ago about my brother being in denial about >our mother's dementia even though she's had it for almost 12 years now. [quoted text clipped - 22 lines] > list. There was no cost to do so. I have probably a few months to pull > this thing together. The saga continues and 12 years is long time....... Hi June, Maybe you could take her there for a visit, and let her see the place, and then the idea might not seem too strange to her. Of course, she probably won't remember having gone there, but it might help your brother decide if he knows that she has been there and felt OK about it.  SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') > Hi June, > > Maybe you could take her there for a visit, and let her see the place, and > then the idea might not seem too strange to her. Of course, she probably > won't remember having gone there, but it might help your brother decide if > he knows that she has been there and felt OK about it. Yes I do plan on taking her and my brother to visit. I tried this a few years ago and she kept saying that she's not ready yet. I had trouble getting her to understand that it isn't a nursing home. But she's 86 years old now and seems more open. In fact if my brother would help me I know we could easily talk her into it. She's become like a child in many ways. I do know that telling her something over and over in conversations eventually influences her. My biggest obstacle is my brother and he controls her money. He is very close to my daughter and her family and she has helped me a great deal in getting my brother to understand his mother's condition. He's never married so we're basically all the family he has. She has a doublewide mobile home in Florida that was damaged by the hurricanes last year. She got an insurance settlement that was considerably more money than the place was worth. I've told my brother to walk away from it and not put any more money in it. He can't bring himself to do it and of course it's her money he's using. He knows he can't justify using her money on the place if she goes into assisted living. Making things more complicated. Mom always said the more things you have, the more troubles you have. She had a lot of wise sayings and they're as true now as when I was a kid............. > I posted a message a short time ago about my brother being in denial about > our mother's dementia even though she's had it for almost 12 years now. He [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > There was no cost to do so. I have probably a few months to pull this > thing together. The saga continues and 12 years is long time....... I know where your brother is coming from. I, also resisted removing the Dowager from a condo in which she had been happy for a decade or so. However, one morning I walked in to find her lying flat on her back in her den, with no memory of how she'd gotten there. Hospital tests offered no clue, except thta the has a couple of leaky valves in her heart. The Dowager is now in an ALF. Due to the fall and the heart valves, the decision could no longer rely on sentiment: now, it had become medical. I didn't want to walk in some time in future to find her lying *dead* on the floor...and have to wonder how long she'd been there, and what kind of pain she must have endured while waiting to die. I don't know the state of your mother's health, of course - but it may be that your brother is waiting for something similar. Medical decisions are always easier to explain than, "Well, the family didn't think you're capable of living on your own, any longer...." Blessed be, Baird SignatureModkin of soc.religion.paganism Modstaff of alt.religion.wicca.moderated Newstaff, Inc. at newstaff.com >> I posted a message a short time ago about my brother being in denial >> about >> our mother's dementia even though she's had it for almost 12 years now. <snip> Baird from here: > I know where your brother is coming from. I, also resisted removing the > Dowager from a condo in which she had been happy for a decade or so. [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > decisions are always easier to explain than, "Well, the family didn't > think you're capable of living on your own, any longer...." I'm hoping the same thing will work with my dad. I am talking to him tomorrow with a friend to ask him to consider AL for he and mom. The chief reason is that Mom needs the care, and he is not providing it at home, but if we use that she will feel guilty and he will let her. Instead we are going to point out his recent health scares (sudden cardiac death -- yes that is the clinical term for it, but he didn't die, obviously, infected pacemaker, etc.) and that Mom would not be able to help him. "So, considering your health ..." We have planned for it like an intervention, because it *is* one, and we expect him to be angry. Think a few positive thoughts for me around noon tomorrow! Songbird Praying for tomorrow, Songbird. Gwen > >> I posted a message a short time ago about my brother being in denial > >> about [quoted text clipped - 35 lines] > > Songbird Thanks, Gwen and Evelyn. I went to get him today for surgeon's follow-up, and I can tell he's not bathing either. That will be a separate issue, but it's affirmation that they need help. Songbird > Praying for tomorrow, Songbird. > Gwen [quoted text clipped - 45 lines] >> >> Songbird > Thanks, Gwen and Evelyn. I went to get him today for surgeon's follow-up, > and I can tell he's not bathing either. That will be a separate issue, but > it's affirmation that they need help. > > Songbird Songbird, it occurs to me that this might be the perfect time to enlist the gentle support of his superior, but only if he should resist your suggestions after your meeting/intervention. Timeliness is essential, and you are moving on this at exactly the right time to get some results. SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') Songbird wrote in part - I went to get him today for surgeon's follow-up, > and I can tell he's not bathing either. That will be a separate issue, but > it's affirmation that they need help. My dad {diagnosed with vascular dementia} currently lives in "supported independent" living and when a space is available in the AL section of his complex the staff will be moving him up there. He has also stopped bathing. He goes up to the clinic daily to have a persistent leg ulcer medicated and re-wrapped. Every couple of days one of the staff just takes him by the hand with a grin "come on, come here with me" and takes him down to the bathroom and helps him get cleaned up. As far as I know, he has not resisted - seems to be relieved that it's not entirely on his own initiative. Which is a theme that seems to run through some of these posts. When finally established in the various facilities the patients (for want of a better word) often do just fine, adapting to changes which a few short years ago would have caused them to hit the roof. SignatureA R Pickett aka Woodstock "Sometimes the facts threaten the truth" Amos Oz, prize winning Israeli author Read my book reviews at: http://www.booksnbytes.com/reviews/_idx_ws_all_byauth.html Remove lower case "e" to respond > I went to get him today for surgeon's follow-up, > and I can tell he's not bathing either. That will be a separate issue, but > it's affirmation that they need help. If he's not bathing, he's probably either depressed or also has a dementia now (not unusual for hidden symptoms to suddenly appear after anesthesia!). Perhaps he will be relieved that someone will take over all these things that he has been trying to convince everyone he can handle I watched two of my great aunts arrive at that point. If he isn't, I agree that this is the time for a frank talk with his bishop. I hope that all goes well tomorrow. >>> I posted a message a short time ago about my brother being in denial >>> about [quoted text clipped - 35 lines] > > Songbird You will be in my prayers Songbird. I hope he goes for it with no hassles at all. SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') |
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