Lee, I'm so glad it is so much better for you now.  It's hard any way you
look at it.
Gwen

I am happy you are working out a way of dealing with it, Lee.   It really
sounds as though she is getting worse though, from what you say above.
Poor woman.  It is awful to see someone go through that.

You said you're meeting with a discharge planner tomorrow.  You need to be
totally honest with them about your concerns.

Most Discharge Planners have seen this type of situation before, and
hopefully you'll get a good one that can help him make good sound decisions
to keep his mother safe.

It sounds like there is something deep inside him that is pushing his
denial.  Perhaps it's guilt for a past offense, perhaps it's a glimpse of
his own mortality.  Whatever it is, he needs to get over it and think about
what is best for his mom and her safety.

It's so hard, but it's not impossible.

I'm sorry you're going through all this, and fighting upstream along the
way.

My toughts are with you,

Patty

Lee, I hope you don't need this tip, but it sounds like you may.  At my
MIL's place, one of the ladies broke a hip and couldn't remember that she
couldn't walk.  They kept her in a wheelchair with a wide belt around her
middle that was fastened in back.  She couldn't reach it and couldn't fall
out.

Good Luck.

Karen

Lee, I'm sorry this is happening.

I recall you posting, while you were staying elsewhere, that you and he were
working it out so you would not have to do any of the "mommy sitting".  You
emphasized that.  When you went back, it seemed ok to me, even though
you were still doing some afternoons and evenings.  But now, it appears
that you are back in almost the same situation with him, (I'm sorry to say
this..) using you.  Him not going to the hospital conference, and avoiding
the hospital is very irresponsible.  He put it all on you again and then
insists it be done his way.  The decision to bring her home sounds
like a train wreck in progress.  Frankly, if it were me, I'd leave
again, but perhaps the situation will be short-lived and you think
it will be bearable.

I hope it is.            Joan

When my GMIL reached similar state, doctor would not sign discharge order
until NH placement was found. Her husband (a real SOB) denied she needed NH
care because he didn't want to spend the money.

Any chance doc can work with you?

Songbird

"We" will do nothing.  HE must do it all.

That is the ONLY way that he is ever going to understand that there is
no way to do this at home.

My grandfather was discharged from the hospital after emergency prostate
surgery on a Friday, to the care of my grandmother (she was in her
mid-80's and fast going blind, but she was still very sharp).  She
insisted that she could care for him.  After two days with no help, she
called my father and said "I can't do it." Grandpa was in the nursing
home aboud 48 hours later.

Stark confrontation with reality will probably be the only thing that is
going to shake him out of this.  And you doing anything to enable him to
continue in his denial won't help bring about the confrontation.

Beth

You are right.  You probably can't.

Lee, we switched Ida to just a mattress and box spring on a low frame with
no wheels, and she still fell down, because she just couldn't walk straight
anymore.    She fell down walking from the sofa in the living room just down
a straight hallway to the toilet.   She fell down trying to get from her bed
to the bathroom, just across from her bedroom door.    We had to literally
hold her up when she had to go from point A to point B, and she couldn't
remember that she couldn't walk anymore, so she kept trying.

We HAD a shower chair, we had a wheelchair, we tried everything.   We still
could not manage.

At the nursing home they put her in a wheelchair with a foam pad across the
front, that she couldn't get out of, and they put her on a toileting
schedule so she wouldn't have to be waiting to go when she had to.   They
had alarms on the beds if she got up or tried to get up, the nurse was
alerted.   She STILL fell from time to time.. even there.   They had very
low beds with pads on the floor, so if they did fall, it would be on  a foam
pad.   They had the bed set up so that one side was always up, and the other
always down.   That way she couldn't fall on the wrong side where there was
no pad.

I think your husband is really suffering from some kind of guilt issues or
something.  He is afraid to let her go, for fear of not having his mommy
around anymore.   He is afraid of being "the older generation" or something
like that.  I am beginning to believe from what you are saying that it isn't
for a single minute about HER, it is all about HIM, and something HE can't
seem to work out in his head.   Especially when you mentioned that he won't
even look to see what her directives were when she was in her right mind.
That would be disrespectful of the woman he claims to love so much.

He is probably going to fall all to pieces when the poor woman finally is
freed from her illness.   Not for nuthin' (like we say in New York) but he
honestly ought to consider going to some kind of a counselor to work out his
issues.   He is just not dealing with this with any kind of sense.

Sorry for being so blunt, but it is just my dumb and uneducated opinion, so
please forgive me if I have overstepped.....

If he insists on this course of action, you should do what you did before.
Let him do EVERYTHING until he literally burns himself out and finally
realizes it is time to make another plan.

hoo boy, this just is amazing. My thoughts are with you.