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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Alzheimer's / August 2005New here
Hello. My name is Mary and I am new to this forum. I am just wondering about a situation I have. My grandfather was diagnosed with alzheimers, parkinsons and diabetes about a year ago. He was then placed in a great nursing/rehabilitation center that is in a different town than my grandmother and a different state than me. I recently had a baby (6 months ago), and I have taken her to see him once. He was so excited. Well, anyways the doctors told my grandmother that he would never be able to come home. The nursing home he is in costs around $44,000 a year. My grandmother was having a hard time paying for it. So, she decided to sell the house. Luckly, my mother was able to get a loan to buy it. Well, they all feel so guilty about selling his house that they won't go see him and he doesn't even know that any of this is going on. It has been at least a couple of months since they have been to see him. The deal is finally sealed and they still won't go. My mother bought the house so that if by any chance he were able to come home, he would still have ahome to come to. Why feel guilty about that? I understand their guilt, but that doesn't mean shut him out of your life. How do I get through to them to explain it. I want to take my daughter so see him again and again but when we go to visit my grandmother, (at least once a week), I ride with my mother and I can't convince them to take me. What should I do? Any advice would be greatful. If you would like to email me, my email is m.briggs@insightbb.com or amgmdb5@yahoo.com Thank you sincerely, Mary Briggs Mary, I don't have an answer as to how to convince them that they are wrong in not visiting him. But if you get any opportunity to go yourself and take the baby, please do it. Gwen > Hello. My name is Mary and I am new to this forum. I am just wondering about > a situation I have. My grandfather was diagnosed with alzheimers, parkinsons [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > amgmdb5@yahoo.com > Thank you sincerely, Mary Briggs > Hello. My name is Mary and I am new to this forum. I am just wondering > about [quoted text clipped - 28 lines] > amgmdb5@yahoo.com > Thank you sincerely, Mary Briggs Mary, you dont need their permission to go see him all by yourself.  SignatureTumbleweed email replies not necessary but to contact use; tumbleweednews at hotmail dot com mary, i think you should make a really big effort to get there yourself, stuff the rest of them. their logic is crazy. sounds like they cant be bothered. he wouldnt even know about the sale if your mum has bought it? take some lovely photos of your baby and her great grandad that you can cherish long into the future. christine > Hello. My name is Mary and I am new to this forum. I am just wondering > about [quoted text clipped - 28 lines] > amgmdb5@yahoo.com > Thank you sincerely, Mary Briggs And you intend to rely on advice from a bunch of losers in a Usenet newsgroup, none of whom you have even met? Perhaps you are the one with dementia. No, she's not. Go look in the mirror! Gwen > And you intend to rely on advice from a bunch of losers in a Usenet > newsgroup, none of whom you have even met? Perhaps you are the one > with dementia. I was trying to remember who the troll in this newsgroup was! "Block Sender" is such a wonderful feature! :-) > No, she's not. Go look in the mirror! > Gwen ------snipped the trolling ------- I just realized how this might be taken -- let's rephrase... I was trying to remember who the troll was in this newsgroup until Gwen replied to her. But I still love my "Block Sender" feature. Karen > I was trying to remember who the troll in this newsgroup was! "Block > Sender" is such a wonderful feature! :-) [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > > ------snipped the trolling ------- > I was trying to remember who the troll was in this newsgroup until Gwen > replied to her. Gwen who? LOL! Just kidding. Using Thunderbird but soon had four posters/trolls k-filed. Fortunately no more for a while now. ;-) > Hello. My name is Mary and I am new to this forum. I am just wondering about > a situation I have. My grandfather was diagnosed with alzheimers, parkinsons [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > amgmdb5@yahoo.com > Thank you sincerely, Mary Briggs Hi, Mary. Welcome! I agree with everyone except the sometimes resident troll. Please ignore her, the way everyone else does. Pell Hi Mary, Having recently had someone in a nursing home, I can tell you it brings up a lot of strange feelings in visitors. Sometimes there is someone crying, someone walking up to every stranger babbling nonsense or even screaming occasionally. Then there are the ones who look like they are nearly comatose, and others who pace endlessly. It is very unnerving for some, and even though you love your relative dearly, you might find it upsetting enough to even stay away from visiting there. Selling the persons house to pay for their keep is often a necessity, and you just don't know how to explain such things. Well then simply don't even TRY to explain. Keep it out of the conversation. It absolutely can be done and should be done. It would serve him no good purpose in his present situation. My advice to you is to go and see your grandfather anyway, in spite of how the others feel. DO NOT discuss ANY issues that could upset him. All it would do is make trouble for him and for the rest of the family. Keep it positive. There is absolutely no need for him to know that the house is sold, or who bought it, or why. The sad truth about this illness is that he will most likely not ever be coming home again, because this is a disease that gets progressively worse. Your mother did a good thing in buying the house, but I think you are mistaking the reasons they don't go and visit him. I think it is because it is just so deeply depressing to go there. I have no right to judge anyone, so I make no other comment on that, but I will say that if you find it comfortable to go and visit, then by all means find some way to do it, but don't think you ought to tell your grandfather about anything that might upset him. If you love him, you will keep it totally positive and upbeat. I think that at this stage of his life, and with the illnesses and challenges he faces, he deserves a little vacation from things like paying bills and selling houses and the nuts and bolts of the business of life. Just as you wouldn't expect your little baby to have to go out and earn a living, the end of life ought to be free of those worries too. Give your dear grandfather this final gift of living this part of his life in peace and free of worries. SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') >> Hello. My name is Mary and I am new to this forum. I am just wondering >> about [quoted text clipped - 37 lines] > > Pell Not only can it have an unnerving effect, it can lead to uncomfortable thoughts such as "That could be me one day." Personal mortality is a heavy issue for a lot of people. The thing I see the most of is people quizzing the person with memory problems... "Do you know who this is?" or "I'll bet you don't even remember who I am?" I makes me want to shake them and remind them "Hey! This isn't all about you!" Maybe I'm being oversensitive, but it seems most unkind, IMO. Karen > Hi Mary, > [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > and even though you love your relative dearly, you might find it upsetting > enough to even stay away from visiting there. ----snip---- >The thing I see the most of is people quizzing the person with memory >problems... "Do you know who this is?" or "I'll bet you don't even remember >who I am?" I makes me want to shake them and remind them "Hey! This isn't >all about you!" Maybe I'm being oversensitive, but it seems most unkind, >IMO. Personally, as one such person with memory problems, I'm very aware about how aggravating my repeated questions of my wife are. While it is quite horrible being a victim, I have great respect and compassion for anybody having to deal with what this disease does to somebody's loved one. It's quite likely that the victim is quite unaware that the question is being asked again and again. Don't worry about that, I think. AD is pretty much a disease of loneliness for those without an extended network of family or friends. Try not to treat us as normal people until it is quite obvious that we are not (and need special treatment, love and, especially, care). In any event, thank you and all the other carers out there. -- 2 + 2 = 5 for sufficiently large values of 2. It bugs me because I see the sudden uncertainty in my MILs face when someone asks her who my hubby is. And it seems to cause her anxiety to realize she doesn't know the answers to these questions. It doesn't really matter to us if she thinks he's her son, her husband or just a nice man visiting her. She's aware there's something tricky about the question, she just suddenly realizes she doesn't know the answer. And when she answers wrong, it just gets worse. I've tried saying it doesn't matter but some people have the sensitivity of a brick. I have no problem being patient with her repeated questions. I know she has a memory problem. But it seems like an unkind form of sabotage to ask a resident in a facility for people with memory problems repeated questions that point out their deficiency (like asking someone in a wheelchair to get something off the top shelf). And I don't like increasing her anxiety levels. Karen > Personally, as one such person with memory problems, I'm very aware about how > aggravating my repeated questions of my wife are. While it is quite horrible [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > -- > 2 + 2 = 5 for sufficiently large values of 2. Hi Mary..... I must admit I found the logic of your family strange to say the least. At some point in their lives any one of them could end up like your grandfather. You might ask them if they would want to be treated this way if it were to happen to them. You're probably the youngest so you would need to know. Anyway I can tell you what my husband and his sisters have done when his mother had to go to the nursing home. She had always lived independently. She's only been there a few months and acquired dementia after being there about a month. She's 101 years old. Her surviving kids are all in their 70's and 80's. She's a widow and my husband (her son) has Power of Attorney. There is no chance of her going home and she's not a wealthy woman. Her house was auctioned off with other household goods last week. The money will be used to pay for her nursing care. She is visited every day by one of her kids and/or grandkids nobody has mentioned the house and she doesn't ask. We talk about the things that have always interested her. She loves bowling and actually belonged to a senior league and bowled regularly even the week before she fell and had to go the nursing home. We talk about those things in her lucid moments. Please go visit your grandfather. Life turns on a dime and he deserves to be treated with dignity especially now. > Hello. My name is Mary and I am new to this forum. I am just wondering > about [quoted text clipped - 28 lines] > amgmdb5@yahoo.com > Thank you sincerely, Mary Briggs > Anyway I can tell you what my husband and his sisters > have done when his mother had to go to the nursing home. She had always > lived independently. She's only been there a few months and acquired > dementia after being there about a month. uh, no. she didn't "acquire dementia" after being there a month, it was just more evident. she probably had a dementia long before anyone (including her) was aware that she did. >> Anyway I can tell you what my husband and his sisters >> have done when his mother had to go to the nursing home. She had always [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > it was just more evident. she probably had a dementia long > before anyone (including her) was aware that she did. I suppose you could be correct but my mother has had dementia for going on 12 years and I can tell you that my mother-in-law was nothing like my mother until just a few weeks ago. She maintained her house and drove until she was 98 and only then gave it up because of macular degeneration. My husband didn't know how much money she had until she went into the nursing home and she gave him durable power of attorney. She took care of all her finances with no problem. Like I said she bowled until just a few months before her 101st birthday. She couldn't see the pins but if someone told her the pin numbers (so she would know their location) after her first ball, she could often make a spare. If there was any short term memory loss nobody noticed it and at least one of her children was with her everyday. She liked to go out to eat and they went out several times a week. When the dementia manfested itself a few months ago even I was surprised. At first we thought it was medication because she never took any kind of medication until she went into the nursing home but when my husband had the medication stopped the signs of dementia were still there but at least she could stay awake. I could at least advise my husband and sisters-in-law that it was alright to go along with whatever she said and not to try to correct her. It was a tough adjustment for them because their mother has been such a strong and indepentant person. She was widowed in 1948 and still had two kids at home. Even now she has lucid days but they are getting far and few between. When she went to the nursing home, it was her decision. She had fallen and dislocated her shoulder and couldn't walk because of dizziness. She told her kids that she knew they weren't kids anymore and couldn't take care of her. Her oldest daughter is 81 and not in the best of health. I know this is a long post but if I could live like my MIL did for 100 years, I'd take it! >>> Anyway I can tell you what my husband and his sisters >>> have done when his mother had to go to the nursing home. She had [quoted text clipped - 34 lines] > know this is a long post but if I could live like my MIL did for 100 > years, I'd take it! June, all dementia is not from the same cause. When the onslaught is sudden like that, often mini-strokes in the brain are the culprit. I am not trying to diagnose her from afar, but from what I have heard and read, there are probably fifty different causes of dementia, and though they may seem alike in some ways, they are not. My father is 93 and has clogged arteries going to his brain. One artery has a stent keeping it somewhat open, and the other is blocked completely and they are afraid to touch it. He pays his own bills, keeps meticulous bookkeeping records of his expenditures, investments, bank accounts. He remembers almost all of his life and will regale you for hours with stories from the past. He gets rare moments of apparent confusion, but for the most part, he get along pretty well at this time. Yet the tests do not lie, and apparently the blood flow to certain parts of his brain that allow him all these abilities, is still intact. Another person may suffer far greater diminished abilities from seemingly far less impairment of the blood flow. It all depends on what part of the brain is being deprived of blood, and we just can't know how it is all going to come down, or at what age or state it will occur. They are finding out more and more about the different kinds of brain diseases every day. There is no map or plan that makes all persons with dementia get the same symptoms on the same timetable. We can only deal with what is. From how it sounds to me, there was a reason she went into a nursing home, and after she got there, some other event caused her confusion to worsen, making it much more apparent. I wouldn't think it was specifically connected to, or because of going into the nursing home, it is more likely that whatever problems put her there, got worse or some new thing happened, due to her age and other unknown factors. SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') >>>> Anyway I can tell you what my husband and his sisters >>>> have done when his mother had to go to the nursing home. She had [quoted text clipped - 38 lines] > that whatever problems put her there, got worse or some new thing > happened, due to her age and other unknown factors. I'm sure that my MIL has had at least one stroke and probably more. At her age, doctors aren't anxious to diagnose the problem. They know and she knows the end is coming soon. Thanks for setting the record straight on the different kinds of dementia......June June, your MIL is an amazing woman. I'm afraid not many of us will have her good fortune to live that long and do that well. And she is also a wise woman to make the decision to go to the NH instead of depending on her children to take care of her at home. I hope I will be that smart if the situation occurs for me. Gwen > >> Anyway I can tell you what my husband and his sisters > >> have done when his mother had to go to the nursing home. She had always [quoted text clipped - 33 lines] > is a long post but if I could live like my MIL did for 100 years, I'd take > it! > I suppose you could be correct but my mother has had dementia for going on > 12 years and I can tell you that my mother-in-law was nothing like my mother > until just a few weeks ago. Ah... it sounds more like a stroke or some kind of arterial blockage. If she had any kind of diagnostic scans, what did they show? >> I suppose you could be correct but my mother has had dementia for going >> on [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > blockage. If she had any kind of diagnostic scans, what did they > show? I know that when this first started my mother went to several doctors on her own and that was back in '93 and '94 and had several tests. There was never a particular diagnosis. She was in Florida at the time and I'm in Indiana. It seemed that most of the doctors that she has gone to have been in Florida and my brother has POA for her health as well. Since he's in denial for the most part he doesn't question them. Since this has gone on for so long and the progression is so slow, I feel that this may have been from strokes and quite frankly I hadn't considered arterial blockage. At least she won't be going back to Florida and my brother has given the doctor here permission to discuss her condition with me. I've called the doctor and discussed Mom's condition with her nurse but the doctor was still waiting on medical records from Florida. Mom will probably be going into assisted living in the near future and I know they will want a complete physical. This is something that I'll bring up to my brother and my mother's doctor. As of now the new doctor says Alzheimer's. Mom doesn't show the psychological symptoms. She's very sweet and pleasant and absolutely no psychotic symptoms. But there are so many forms of this disease........ Do you know of other patients that have been affected like my mother? Oh dear we've gotten off subject here. .....June |
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