Octavia, I had a lot of resistance from my mother in law in the beginning
about taking showers and getting helped.

I confess I had a "secret pursuader"......My husband told her in no
uncertain terms (he was yelling) that she had to take a bath.    She
listened to him, because she always listened to him, and also because he was
male, she was more inclined to obey him more than me.   She would just argue
with me and dig her heels in.   Him, she listened to.

What I might suggest is that you either give her ALL her baths, or at least
to be present in there when the aide is doing it, so she gets used to your
presence as a regular thing.    I wouldn't try washing her in sensitive
areas at first, but maybe just use a baby-wipe when necessary.

At first why don't you be the one to hand her a nice fluffy towel, to help
her dry her hair, to give her a little spritz of cologne?   You be the one
to spritz some deodorant spray..... to help her dress in something nice.
Let her associate you with good impressions, and with kindly help.

Think how YOU would feel if someone showed up in your shower and wanted to
wash your butt!   Never mind how practical and right it is, you'd feel
pretty odd.

I always handed Ida the shower puff full of soap and told her to wash
herself.   She was very hard of hearing and doing this in the shower was NOT
easy since her hearing aid was out.   Then I had the shower head on a long
hose, and sort of squirted it in strategic areas to preserve her dignity.
I confess that this wasn't always as effective a way of getting her clean,
but I made SURE she had a ready towel to SIT on when getting dried off.....
(if you get my drift).

In short, the way I got Ida to accept me was to make it almost a sort of a
spa experience.   I wore a tee shirt and panties, so she knew I was there
for a serious reason.   Hubby told her to undress, marched her in there and
we just got the shower done.

Also, we planned the shower when she was ALREADY getting dressed or
undressed anyway.   First thing upon getting up, or last thing at night
before she got her nightie on.

In short, what I am saying is that you may have to sacrifice some small
level of cleanliness at first to get her to comfortably trust you, but if
you handle it right you should be able to get better cooperation over time.

Hi Octavia,

I sympathize with your problem - however, you stated it very clearly in your
e-mail, and I quote "in case she falls & she really needs some assistance" -
I think if you let that statement be your credo, instead of "what if?", she
would respond better to your assistance. Sometimes you have to allow the
'patient' to clean their own but!

Your statement : "When you need help, you need help, big deal." works just
fine, when it's your husband - not exactly appropriate for a health worker.
Yes, it probably is a modesty issue, work with that. What about using shower
curtains - what about using over-sized towel?.
Just my opinion.

GROSS.

Advice given for other items also applies here: use distraction. With
Mom, I gave her a washcloth, and I had a washcloth. I was only there to
"help." I let her wash the sensitive areas and followed up if need be.
Of course this meant a bath took two washcloths and three towels. Also,
I only gave a bath two or three times a week. I am told the NH does the
same. If Mom gave me a difficult time, I let it go and tried on a
different day. Worked for over a year.

Thanks so much everyone for your suggestions & comments. Since I posted, we
got through 2 baths without any comment from her. Perhaps it is a matter of
giving her time to get used to me as her bath helper.

dear octavia, you have a tough one there.  please go to alzonline.net
they have a reading room with this subject.  best to all, elainefaith