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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Alzheimer's / August 2005sometimes I wonder...
would SHE ever have done this for anyone? she is so demanding, impatient, rude, messy.... did I mention demanding? Maybe if I thought she might have when she was well, I'd resent it less? Maybe not. Hubby just called.... hasn't left work yet (he closed 40 minutes ago supposedly) I'm tired of being understanding... of him coming home whenever the hell he feels like it. I'm tired of everybody TAKING from me ... taking and taking and taking and.... kid asked for money again today ...what part of I'm NOT WORKING RIGHT NOW - I dont' HAVE any money is it so hard for them to grasp? And HRH of course.... she just gets worse and worse and I know it is the illness but that doesn't change the fact that I AM BURNED OUT AND I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE Go get a job. They can't take advantage of you if you don't permit it. Don't "enable" your husband's inaction. If he wishes to look after your mother in your home, he needs to be fully accountable for arranging the full time care she needs, which includes . Give him a deadline, go apply for a job, go away for an extended visit to relatives, sign up for whatever outside activities you want to do (in other words, draw the line in the sand and as of that date, resume your life). Turn the job over to him and his sibs and......check out of Hotel Hell. Its in your power to stop this. Mary G. > Go get a job. They can't take advantage of you if you don't permit it. > Don't "enable" your husband's inaction. If he wishes to look after your [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > > Mary G. Dear Lee, I agree completely with what Mary says above. You don't need to be a party to the craziness of trying so hard to care for her at home at this difficult time. The other alternative is to hire professionals (with her money) to watch her at home and to keep her out of your hair.  SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') Maybe OT ---today as I wiped my stove & looked at all the dug out porcelain I thought of Evelyn.and Ida. I was going thru the same (helping & cleaning) silage with Don. How many times over the years have I read a post and thought- "me too" ? > Maybe OT ---today as I wiped my stove & looked at all the dug out > porcelain I thought of Evelyn.and Ida. I was going thru the same > (helping & cleaning) silage with Don. > > How many times over the years have I read a post and thought- "me > too" ? Hi Florence, Poor thing, she was just trying to help..... And I had just gotten my dream-stove, and the shiny new stainless steel surface I was so proud of had irreparable scratches in it. Now it is 5 years old, Ida is gone, and I don't even care about the scratches anymore. SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') so.... I left.... am on google on a friend's computer.... just had it. Wasn't anything to do with ma... at least not directly .... now I have to decide... go home, go visit a kid or two, stay here and impose? I just don't know what to do ... his behaviour yesterday was absolutely uncalled for he used to be so supportive ... now that I'm burned out and stressed out and miserable and NEED his support, he is SO anything but. About anything.... my kids (that was what the fight was about) ... my job (or lack thereof) ... the computer part of our business... and especially my taking care of his mother (her behaviours are all my fault - or maybe my kids' fault - yes, really! According to him, they stress me out and that's why I have more trouble dealing with her - it's THEIR fault) Naught to do with the ALZHEIMERS. Totally irrational....stupid... ridiculous. I can't deal with it ...with him. I'm tired. Really really really really tired. And just the thought of going back there today makes me feel sick to my stomach ... so guess now I'm down to two options. > so.... I left.... am on google on a friend's computer.... just had it. > Wasn't anything to do with ma... at least not directly .... <snip> > I'm tired. Really really really really tired. And just the thought of > going back there today makes me feel sick to my stomach ... so guess > now I'm down to two options. Stay away , he'll only "get it" when he has to cope with her 24x7. Stay away until he gets it. Dont go back. because ... ...if its "she goes in a home or I go" it seems to me you only have 1 choice. Stay away. Because I don't think you have the second option, of going back, because you'll only stress out and end up leaving (again) a few days later anyway. Or thats what I am reading between the lines of your message. If you stay away I'm guessing she'll have to go in a home anyway, right? SignatureTumbleweed email replies not necessary but to contact use; tumbleweednews at hotmail dot com > I'm tired. Really really really really tired. And just the thought of > going back there today makes me feel sick to my stomach ... so guess > now I'm down to two options. Damn, Lee, wish I had advice but all I can offer is my sympathy that you're caught in this not-that-rare situation. Good luck in your choice whatever it be. Hope the light dawns on whats-his-name's head. It takes plenty to deal with this disease. Best wishes! > so.... I left.... am on google on a friend's computer.... just had it. > Wasn't anything to do with ma... at least not directly .... [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > going back there today makes me feel sick to my stomach ... so guess > now I'm down to two options. Dear Lee, I am so sad for you. I know how awful you feel, really I do. There were many times I felt like that over the last couple of years. Especially when he is not being supportive, it feels like the pressure is coming in from all sides. I am not going to offer you any suggestions, only you can know what is best and right for your circumstances. But knowing that others understand, sometimes is a help. SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') > go visit a kid or two well, if the kid is willing and sympathetic... i sooo understand what you're going through. my siblings were always quick to tell me *i* was doing everything wrong, too. and then my sisters seemed to think that when my mother was dying, i should just schedule myself for a shift in spite of the fact that i had just returned from a month long vacation and needed to catch up at work! i told them that after 15 years it was *their* turn, since they had finally showed up to help, and that working was going to help me maintain my sanity, not sitting around the house waiting for the inevitable. yeah, i'd go visit a kid until you know that he's really got it. You must know that you won't help anything by going back. I'm surprised you haven't done this much earlier. It's no help to him to allow him to be a jerk and abuse you. I really hope you can take care of yourself - some people can't and I hope that's not you. Joan > so.... I left.... am on google on a friend's computer.... just had it. > Wasn't anything to do with ma... at least not directly .... [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > going back there today makes me feel sick to my stomach ... so guess > now I'm down to two options. Lee's hubbie needs some reminder about marriage vows. You honour your parents, but your first loyalty has to be to your spouse. I mean, isn't the underpinning based on the "...a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Right now, he seems a little confused about the ranking. No question its Wife #1, Mother #2. If the marriage is damaged or worse, the loss is incalculable (and one presumes he does intend to outlive his mother, and thus have some sort of life beyond AD). He needs a reality check. And again, I think he really needs to be taking care of her himself, so he can get tuned in to the full burden he's placing on others because he's in denial, and get out of the blame rut to explain her AD caused behaviours. Let him take a leave of absence from his work for a couple of months. A temporary loss of income has to be cheaper in the long run than a divorce Lee, go visit some friends or relatives for a month or two!! C'mon up here, we'll go hang out at my cottage and watch the hummingbirds! Mary thanks for the offer :) things are going somewhat better...I'm still not at home, but we're talking... and he's having the ~fun~ of dealing with the day to day stuff on top of trying to work and so on ... home care messed him up yesterday, and then he didn't have anyone for today and he was getting stressed out about it... it was hard but I kept my mouth shut and let him deal with it. It's not all him .... he's in fix it mode and trying to protect me and fix everything for me and all that fun stuff... easy to be angry at him when he just tells me ~solutions~ all the time (and cut off my kids is not a ~solution~ that I'm EVER going to appreciate or accept ) .... but I do have some responsibility for the whole dynamic... the more depressed and miserable I've become the more he tries to 'fix it' ... So .... he has to stop trying to solve all my problems for me... but I also have to start trying to do it for myself... and I have to stop going directly to the most negative possible interpretation of everything ...I've started journalling again, which really really helps with that. Anyway ... I don't know when I'm going to go home... I really wish the social worker from the Alzheimer society would call ... I called there on Tuesday and they said she would get back to me as quickly as possible... he has done the paperwork for placement finally though... and made arrangements to have it delivered to where it needs to go (today) ... big step for him While you are keeping your mouth shut, are you looking for work any where. doing anything. Not one day a week. but everyday, paying less, so what? Working while looking for another job seems to me, the smart thing to do. It would be ok to pay your paycheck to someone else to take care of Mom. Sounds like you are caving. His Mom's situation is not your fault. Nor your kids fault. You will always be their Mom. Not always the easiest job in the world either. Hope this doesn't seem too harsh....just different.. until I sort things out a bit more, not much point... this is a very small town and I don't have a car to get me anyplace .... we have worked out that I'm to be paid - money that I CAN use towards my kids without a fuss/argument ..for the time I'm at the store though... which is a start. > until I sort things out a bit more, not much point... this is a very > small town and I don't have a car to get me anyplace .... we have > worked out that I'm to be paid - money that I CAN use towards my kids > without a fuss/argument ..for the time I'm at the store though... which > is a start. Good, Lee. A start, yes. SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') A step in the right direction, Lee. Gwen > > until I sort things out a bit more, not much point... this is a very > > small town and I don't have a car to get me anyplace .... we have [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > Good, Lee. A start, yes. > until I sort things out a bit more, not much point... this is a very > small town and I don't have a car to get me anyplace .... we have > worked out that I'm to be paid - money that I CAN use towards my kids > without a fuss/argument ..for the time I'm at the store though... which > is a start. that's fine, but don't go back to the house until he deals with the situation himself AND HE APOLOGIZES. and i mean sincerely, not just in an effort to get you to go back and take care of his mother. he has ...and I'm still not back.... and he's making all sorts of arrangements so that when I do go back I'm not to do ANY of the mama-sitting...which is silly and irritating me all to hell .... the problem is the way he and I have been communicating (or not) ... and that without support, taking care of her all the time is WAAAAAAAAAAY too much .... too easy to 'blame' her for everything and miss the real problem ... that's why I'm still here *sigh* > he has ...and I'm still not back.... > [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > too easy to 'blame' her for everything and miss the real problem ... > that's why I'm still here *sigh* Be honest with him and from the heart, Lee. He needs to know that. SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') progress in working all this junk out is soooooooo slow .... today I was so angry I could have spit nails... obviously not ready to home quite yet the social worker from the Alzheimer society finally called me ... I missed the call...will call her back on Monday (next time she's in *sigh*) Don't know what good it'll do but I figure it can't hurt to talk to her at least. > and he's making all sorts of arrangements so that when I do go back I'm > not to do ANY of the mama-sitting...which is silly and irritating me [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > and that without support, taking care of her all the time is > WAAAAAAAAAAY too much .... You described him verbally abusing and scapegoating you - that doesn't sound like a communication problem. > too easy to 'blame' her for everything and miss the real problem ... > that's why I'm still here *sigh* Sounds like you're taking good steps. You may need a lawyer at some point. joan > thanks for the offer :) > [quoted text clipped - 28 lines] > arrangements to have it delivered to where it needs to go (today) ... > big step for him Hooray! It is a start. Glad he is making some moves, and cares enough to try and fix things. Him learning to respect the fact your kids are your kids, is essential. We are also a 'blended' family with kids from both sides. It isn't always a smooth road, but the rewards are great when it works. SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') we both need to work on communicating a whole lot better than we have been ....but we'll get there, I think ... hope I'm still staying at a friend's... but we talk every day ... today I'm working at the store - and getting paid for it, which is new Lee, a step in the right direction. Gwen > thanks for the offer :) > [quoted text clipped - 28 lines] > arrangements to have it delivered to where it needs to go (today) ... > big step for him llee <sleeplessinwherever@hotmail.com> is alleged to have said: > It's not all him .... he's in fix it mode and trying to protect me and > fix everything for me and all that fun stuff... easy to be angry at him [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > interpretation of everything ...I've started journalling again, which > really really helps with that. Isn't this the typical guy thing? "Well, why did you tell me about it if you didn't want me to fix it?" Except it isn't just for guys, I do the same thing unless I catch myself and just listen. Trying to fix stuff can express caring, though if the solutions are not acceptable, he needs to learn to get off them and not push. You need a friend who will listen and not judge. We can do that, although the impulse is certainly to make suggestions. As for how tired you've said you are, I can relate. My mother spent 5 days in the hospital in June after she fell and I couldn't get her up. Turned out to be an infection, which they cleared up with antibiotics. Once I knew it wasn't life threatening, I could actually relax and feel happier than I have in the 2 years since she came to stay. SignatureJo Ann Malina, make spamthis best to find my address There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, And that is either to have a clear conscience, or none at all. -- Ogden Nash, "Interoffice Memorandum" think that's the biggest part of the meltdown I had last night.... and I did most definitely have a meltdown ... I have SO been looking forward to getting back to work in September... I love my job and it pays very very well and I've been counting on it... if I can just make it til then it'll all be better (because I'll be at work, not here; have my own money, and be doing what I love to do, i.e. teach) but yesterday on top of everything else I got an email that it doesn't look as though it will run - not enough students have yet signed up for the course (although there ARE already more than 2x as many as we ran with last time) and the new boss doesn't intend to run with 'so few' IT HAS TO RUN. I NEED IT TO RUN! :( Or, I guess, I need to find something else altogether.... can't keep dealing with this on/off, cancel at the last minute garbage, I just can't. They just cancelled another of the one day courses I was supposedly teaching this summer... that makes 4 *sigh* Really bites though.... no way I'll find anything that pays even half as well.... but then again, with all the cancellations and postponements, it really doesn't pay all that well either. $15/hour that I DO get paid is a lot more than $50/hour that I don't :( > Go get a job. They can't take advantage of you if you don't permit it. > Don't "enable" your husband's inaction. If he wishes to look after your [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > > Mary G. |
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