OOOOHHHHHH! Well that does explain a lot, Lee.

Peter and I were married for a lot of years before this fell upon us, and we
had our ups and downs before that, but we were a well established couple
that had been through it all by then, and he ALWAYS told me that if I
decided that I didn't want to keep her here anymore, all I had to do was
yell "UNCLE" and he would put her in a facility.

Well, let me tell you, it didn't happen that way.   At one point I did tell
him that I was wearing more than a bit thin, and we should start to look for
a place, and he just dragged his feet for a long time until it was what I
would call "too late" in the game already.    So he effectively managed to
do the same thing as your husband is doing, even though it was harder on him
than me!!!!!

When it is your own mother, you don't want to be the one to say it is time
to place her.  I think if it were my own mother (who was a real sweetheart)
I might have been in the exact same spot myself.   There is a tremendous
amount of spiritual connection with a mother, and it is unique among human
relationships, but ultimately real life (in the form of this disease) is
banging on the door, and must be dealt with.

By the time we started processing Medicaid paperwork, and looking for a
placement, we were both nearly prostrate emotionally from stress.  We would
put one foot in front of the other and drag ourselves through each day, but
it was tough going at times.

Lee you are going to want to have a marriage after this is over with.  So is
he.  I know it probably looks very bleak right now, and you aren't sure
where you stand, but there *is* life after seeing a relative through this
awful disease.

I can tell you firsthand that there is, but it is a whole new ballgame and
you literally won't feel like yourself for a long time, even after she has
been placed.   I hope with all my heart that you guys can stand together
through this.  It is truly a test of fire.

I think you're in a bit ~better~ position than I am ... as spouse, I mean
.... presumably you are the primary decision maker as well as caregiver ...
being the 'daughter-in-law'  puts me in the position of being the primary
caregiver but WITHOUT the decision making ability ....  I don't get a vote
...  I do have some input since  my partner respects and values my opinions
(usually) ... but in the end, the desisions and the responsibility are his,
not mine.

Whether an AD patient 'can' be cared for is as much a function of the
caregiver(s) capabilities, as well as the patients state. When a carer is
'seeking a way out' dont you recognise that that may be because they are at
the end of their tether?
Everyone has their breaking point. Credit to you for not reaching yours but
then again maybe no credit is due because God or fate conspired not to put
you in a situation where you've reached it ..yet. You dont seem to be
reading the same signals I am from Lee about her reaching hers ..and neither
do her family. If she hits breaking point *before* the MIL is placed in  a
home, then many things will break, including her, the marriage, and maybe at
significant cost to the MIL in terms of danger from wandering, falling,
whatever. I wouldnt be surprised, from what she writes, that if (when?) the
MIL falls over or wanders away and is hurt, the first thing thats going to
happen is that her husband will blame her, rather than the situation he has
put her in. By bye marriage.

I suppose its always possible that someone may never reach breaking point
because they are calm and serene, yet they *will* still eventually become
exhausted/tired if they are the sole carer, and will (and must) eventually
let things slip to the point where danger to the patient can occur, even if
they dont (wont?) recognise this.  So in spite of the carer doing a great
solo job (relatively speaking), the patient may still be worse off than if
placed in a home. I beleive that Evelyn has mentioned that the care for her
MIL was, towards the end , better than her and her husband could provide,
simply because they were plain exhausted. Is that correct Evelyn? Dont want
to put words in your mouth.

This discussion reminds me of the conversation I had with my Mom when I was
at the end of my tether from going out of town on weekends to visit my MIL
and clean up her house for sale while trying to get a grip on her neglected
business affairs and manage a full time demanding job during the week.  My
MIL that was still cognizant enough to insist (quite loudly) that she was
not going to move anywhere.  She hadn't dealt with basic business (like
health insurance) in 2 years and no one knew until we got into it.  Hubby
and I were fried to a crispy Hell.

My Mom tried to share her philosophy that "He won't put any more on you than
you can bear" and I told her that I took great comfort from the thought that
"S**t happens... to everyone.  It just happens to be my turn."  I then
proceeded to explain that if I believed someone was sitting up there
counting out burdens until they hit how much I could bear, I would be VERY
ticked off and not at all impressed with their ability to estimate."  She
couldn't understand why I didn't take comfort from the notion that someone
upstairs was "letting this happen for a purpose." and I wasn't at an
emotional point where I cared what any higher purpose was -- I just needed a
respite.

Stress will eventually find an outlet.  Lee, for your sake, I hope it's a
pressure valve not a pop-off valve.

Karen

fair enough. Shall we draw this to a friendly close?

Lee, I really feel for you; just wish I could do something to help besides
pray for you.
Gwen

Hi Lee,

That must be very frustrating.    I would not say that we would not have
cared for my MIL without getting paid for it, because that isn't true.   I
would have done the right thing and looked after her as long as possible
anyway, but not having major financial worries while doing so, was a big
plus.    She wasn't by any stretch, a rich woman, but she had some money put
aside, and owned her own home.

My husband was forced to retire early to care for her, and his pension alone
was not enough to carry us through.   I was forced to stop working to care
for her also.    We were both too young to have social security income yet.
We had to buy a house big enough to take her in with us also, and that
necessitated a move to another area, so that we could afford a larger house
for the same money we had in the old one.

So both of us essentially had to make her our full time jobs, but only one
of us got a paycheck.   I might mention that all taxes had to be paid on
that income, just as though it was from any other kind of employer.   There
were a lot of expenses and paperwork associated with the whole scenario.
Our lawyer earned his money in setting that up, and I was fortunate in
having been a bookkeeper for so many years to keep track of it all.  And you
absolutely must keep scrupulous track of every penny used.    (This is why
we all told Boydette to get on her sister's case about the misuse of their
mothers money).

About the hugging.....my MIL was fortunately not a big hugger, so she didn't
get into that as one of her repetitive behaviors, but she had others that
were just as annoying.  Repetitive questions, delusions that were at times
quite disturbing, dressing and undressing at strange times, packing and
unpacking, rummaging through all her belongings over and over, asking to "go
home" over and over..... It is such a difficult illness to deal with.

You almost pray for them to get to the stage of the illness where the
repetitive behavior stops, but then when that actually happens you discover
there are worse things that come into play, like 24/7 incontinence, and
falling down and becoming unable to eat, etc. and you wish they were still
at the stage when they asked you endless questions, because they were able
to care for themselves a little more.

It is no wonder that so many people end up caving in to putting a loved one
into a nursing home, because quite honestly, it is nearly unbearable at
times.   But I have to tell you the truth, it wasn't ALL bad.... there were
a few very special moments, and there was some healing that went on too.
But that is another post for another day.

Today I am going to the wedding shower for my future daughter in law.   It
is going to be a really nice experience... :-)

sell hers.  use the proceeds to pay for the home until the money
runs out, and then medicaid will pay for it.