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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Alzheimer's / June 20053 weeks and good adjustment to assisted living for Mom
After thinking I could not survive my mother's move to assisted living, especially because I'm not crazy about the facility, I am absolutely surprised at how well she has adjusted. She is starting to make some aquaintences, goes to exercise every day, we've hired a walking partner for her, and this weekend my mother and I cleaned up the facility patio and planted flowers pots. During the work on the patio, several residents came out to keep us company and seemed excited by the activity. I think she'd still rather be with family, especially for meals, and we continue to spend quite a lot of time with her, but she feels safe at the facility. A couple of times I've called her up after dinner and she's been in a great mood because of her dinner companions. I'm also surprised to see her help other residents who have greater disabilities than herself, I've never seen this compassionate side of my mother. The progression of ALZ marches onward, she is increasingly confused about which child I am, has delusions about her last husband, and recently about my father who died 30 years ago, still has difficulty finding her apt. and is becomming increasingly incontinent, but is generally doing much better than I ever anticipated. The move did not even precipitate a big cognitive decline as I expected. I suspect the reason why she's done so well is that despite being a flaming liberal (now in a conservative religous setting.... go figure), she's also a true conformist, she likes following the rules, having a schedule, and being a "good girl", even more so since ALZ. Just thought I'd pass this update on to all those considering assisted living for their loved ones. ALZ is such a terrible way to go, and I find it so depressing to read about the progression of the disease; despite it all, there can be pleasant surprises from time to time. > After thinking I could not survive my mother's move to assisted living, > especially because I'm not crazy about the facility, I am absolutely [quoted text clipped - 26 lines] > find it so depressing to read about the progression of the disease; > despite it all, there can be pleasant surprises from time to time. Dear Meg, I am so happy to hear that! Ida adapted right away too, but she was much more impaired than your mom sounds, by the time we placed her. I actually think it might be better in some ways, to go in sooner, for the very reason you mention..... being able to participate in all the activities. Every time we went to see her there was something going on, but she wasn't interested or able to really enjoy it much.  SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') Meg, so nice to read your good report. The unexpected good things that happen do make life a little easier. Gwen > After thinking I could not survive my mother's move to assisted living, > especially because I'm not crazy about the facility, I am absolutely [quoted text clipped - 26 lines] > find it so depressing to read about the progression of the disease; > despite it all, there can be pleasant surprises from time to time. I am so happy things turned out so well. My husband is now in his 4th week at AL facility. I did this as respite, for 2 months.. I was falling apart at the seams (my dear mother's phrase) I think I should have tried this much earlier..I am surprised he adjusted so well...and so have I. I must admit much of this time I did a lot of sleeping..(when I want)...Eating (when I want) not amusing or being exasperated with trying to keep him entertained.. We have had many [of the 56] good years together---but somehow it's the "now years" that gets to you. I think Don seems reasonably happy with the going ons about him, his entertainment-- though forgotten immediately..He's a nice man. I admit I did not know {12 yrs ago] what AL , NH-or lock unit was. Now know whatever it's name, it's all about how LO fits into a particular facility.. This place is called an AL--But as respite they provided everything...no moving of belongings etc....he doesn't know any of that anyway...so it was easier.. Thanks for listening..sorry this is so long.. Perhaps it might help someone. Sometimes another's posting has helped me to look at and consider alternatives.. Florence Florence, I'm glad to hear of you're success with assisted living for your husband and that you're getting the rest you need. Will your husband be moving back with you? My mother was pretty indpendent untill 4 months ago then took a big decline. I have been caring for her for those 4 months with lots of respite from my sibblings and home health. It was exhausting and I'm an energetic 47 YO. I'm amazed at people who find the strength to care for their loved ones, long term. It's hard to see my mother decline, but I imagine it would be worlds more difficult with a spouse. My thoughts are with you. Meg Meg -- Thanks for posting this today. I went to look at an AL near me (less than two miles) this afternoon with the idea that if Dad had died in his accident last week, I would need an immediate placement for Mom. As she she progresses, they might both move together there. (This place has independent and assisted all together). And Dad is deadset against being separated from her. Although I know and trust the executive director there and have visited several facilities, I came away depressed, I suppose because it seems more of a reality now. How could *my* parents ever fit in with *these* people? It did not help that two of their more rambunctious residents were having an argument in the entry hall. The rooms seem even smaller than I remember, though light-filled and clean. The good news is I broached the idea to my dad today and although he did not embrace it, he did not turn combative over it. He has been very ornery since wreck (I chalk it up to pain and fear) but today was gentle as a lamb. Did not even protest when doc told him two more weeks at least before he can drive. (I would have hugged the doc, but it would have embarrassed him!) Songbird > After thinking I could not survive my mother's move to assisted living, > especially because I'm not crazy about the facility, I am absolutely [quoted text clipped - 26 lines] > find it so depressing to read about the progression of the disease; > despite it all, there can be pleasant surprises from time to time. Good luck Songbird, I have viewed lots of facilities and they can be depressing. Once you hang out in one for a few days the unfamiliar and uncomfortable seem to normalize. The one thing I wish my family would have investigated further for the facility my mother is in now is staff training. I don't know that the staff that works with my mother has enough training for working with dementia. Although my mother is adjusting much better than I thought she would, I have my concerns about some of the staff interactions with her. Most of the staff are great. I don't know if you're parents have an active social life. My Mother is quite shy but really enjoys socializing and I think the ALF has been good for her in that area. Before, she was so dependent on myself and my sibblings for all social activities. I get the impression that people bond quickly in residential facilities, probably because they share common burdens i.e. health issues, old age, dementia. The move is so hard, but in our case the only thing our family could do.... and the right thing to do. I still worry about her constantly, but that's my nature. I think the worry will fade a bit with time. I wish we had the money to care for her like Ronald Reagan must have been cared for, or at the very least I wish we had enough money that we weren't limited to facilities that accept medicaid. Meg Meg -- Thanks for posting this today. I went to look at an AL near me (less than two miles) this afternoon with the idea that if Dad had died in his accident last week, I would need an immediate placement for Mom. As she she progresses, they might both move together there. (This place has independent and assisted all together). And Dad is deadset against being separated from her. Although I know and trust the executive director there and have visited several facilities, I came away depressed, I suppose because it seems more of a reality now. How could *my* parents ever fit in with *these* people? It did not help that two of their more rambunctious residents were having an argument in the entry hall. The rooms seem even smaller than I remember, though light-filled and clean. The good news is I broached the idea to my dad today and although he did not embrace it, he did not turn combative over it. He has been very ornery since wreck (I chalk it up to pain and fear) but today was gentle as a lamb. Did not even protest when doc told him two more weeks at least before he can drive. (I would have hugged the doc, but it would have embarrassed him!) Songbird > After thinking I could not survive my mother's move to assisted living, > especially because I'm not crazy about the facility, I am absolutely [quoted text clipped - 26 lines] > find it so depressing to read about the progression of the disease; > despite it all, there can be pleasant surprises from time to time. Meg, I'm so glad it's working out for your mom. It sounds like it is a good placement for her and also for you. You mentioned dinner time and I know from working in an AL that meals are a very important part of what we do for our residents. It's a time when they can have social interaction with other residents and also with staff. We eat with our residents, and it's something I enjoy immensely. Our mealtime conversations are interesting and definitely entertaining. You wouldn't believe the subjects that come up. There are some people that come in very anxious and half of the time that's because they feel the anxiety of the family. Almost always after a few days they are settled in and enjoying the environment and the other residents. Again, I'm so happy for you and for your mom. Best to you, Patty Pattycake, You sound like a wonderful caregiver and have found a good place to work. I wish my mom could live where you work and that everyone in your profession was so outstanding. There are some nice people where my mom now lives, but I don't know that they have the skill and training that you have. One care provider is generally ill-tempered and abrupt, even more so with my mother, since she took over the care of the flower pots on the patio which is that caregiver's domain. I'm very reactionary and want to confront this woman, but I have decided to wait and see if things work out without my interference. I'm worried my family will be tagged as trouble makers if I complain too much and don't want any repercussions for my mother. I already got staff members scolded when I found out my Mom had a diarrhea accident in the middle of the night, called for help, and the aide told her she couldn't help her. I work, with children b-5. We have the same dilemma with that age group. Some people are remarkably skilled, seek educational opportunities and enjoy the children and their job. Others are in it because it's one of the few jobs they could get and they aren't able to understand the complexity of working with young children. Meg > I'm worried > my family will be tagged as trouble makers if I complain too much and > don't want any repercussions for my mother. I already got staff > members scolded when I found out my Mom had a diarrhea accident in the > middle of the night, called for help, and the aide told her she > couldn't help her. if things are that bad there, you should start looking right now for another place for her. > I'm worried > my family will be tagged as trouble makers if I complain too much and > don't want any repercussions for my mother. Screw them! Are they paying YOU to take care of your mother? I already got staff > members scolded when I found out my Mom had a diarrhea accident in the > middle of the night, called for help, and the aide told her she > couldn't help her. And well they should have been! Be a troublemaker if you have to. And there are state agencies up the line to which you can complain if things aren't done properly. Sorry for the extreme reaction but I am a doctor and my wife, thank goodness, is in a nice institution but even good places make errors and poor care-takers have no place in ANY institution. Be sure and document in writing times and details of any perceived mis-handling of your Mom just in case. My 2 cents worth and end of rant. Bud >> I'm worried >> my family will be tagged as trouble makers if I complain too much and [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > > Bud I agree with Bud. The squeaky wheel does get the grease. Being silent about it won't help. People are supposed to do their jobs right. SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') Thanks Bud and Evelyn for the encouragement to express my concerns. I don't expect any place to be perfect, but do expect my mother to be treated with kindness and courtesy. I will be the squeaky wheel and will definitly document any concerns. Meg If you feel that your mom is not getting the quality of care that you were told she would receive when you moved her there, then definitely talk to the Administrator. The type of behavior that you describe is totally unacceptable. You are paying for good care, and you need to make sure that is what you receive. If you are still unhappy, definitely start looking around for another facility. One thing though, there are people who live in an AL that are delusional. They will make accusations against a Caregiver that are completely false. We have one poor woman right now who is positive we are poisoning her. She refuses to take her meds, and her delusions are becoming stronger by the day. Now we're not poisoning her, but in her mind, that's what she believes. I'm not saying this is what is happening in your mother's case, but know that there are things that she might say are happening, that aren't really happening. I don't consider any family member who has complaints or concerns to be any trouble. Once the complaints are brought forward, then we can deal with the problem. If you don't get satisfaction, document everything and contact your State Long Term Care Ombudsman and they will investigate for you. All my best, Patty Thanks Patty, I value you're perspective since you work with people with ALZ. Because of ALZ my mom can be a complainer and isn't always able to accurately retell past events. That is why, in some cases, I'm waiting to see if the conflict can resolve on it's own. I will definitely document my concerns to determine if a pattern emerges and to provide info to administration and ombudsman, if necessary. We definitely had the same problem with MIL - we always had to very carefully investigate what she told us. Sometimes it was true, and sometimes it wasn't. For example, when she was still living at home with supports, it turned out her home care person (assigned by an government funded agency, and who was supposed to put in 4 hours daily, 5 days a week) was scamming. She would show up, spend a very short time (keeping in mind Dolli had no sense of time and couldn't tell time either), get Dolli to sign the card that she'd been there, and leave. Some days she just came late, got Dolli to sign and leave without doing a darned thing. She also started telling Dolli tales of woe about a sick brother who needed an operation and would Dolli lend her money. The story came out in bits and pieces over several weeks in a very, very garbled fashion, and it took a lot of patience, questioning and investigating to get the picture (i.e. we'd come when the aide was supposed to be there and she'd be gone). In this case, all I could do was call the agency and ask for the aide to be replaced immediately. I talked to the agency about what I thought was happening and what we'd managed to get out of Dolli, but had to tell the agency I had no specific proof because of my MIL's AD (i.e. you couldn't just ask her and get anything approaching a coherant story). We needed a hidden camera. And on the other side of the coin, a little later in AD in the first assisted living facility, my MIL told us she was missing lunch daily - which wasn't true, she just had no memory of it. One day my husband ate lunch with her at the facility prior to taking her to an appointment, and then an hour later she was complaining that she had missed lunch! She also complained about men sexually assaulting her which really alarmed us...but it turned out to be the short haired ladies trying to get her bathed and dressed (we were stunned when she pointed out one of the big nasty male perpetrators to us...little tiny friendly Italian aide Maria). When she started having trouble with her teeth (i.e. getting her plates and bridges in), her explanation was that bad boys had hit her in the mouth on the way home from school, knocking out her teeth. I think that particular garble came out of staff trying to help her get the bridge in, which must have frightened her - she obviously had no idea what they were trying to do. You are doing the right thing to take it seriously - you just never know. Mary G. Meg,it's good to hear that your Mom is adjusting so well. :-) And really nice that she still has the ability to help others. Just good reading all you wrote about that. :-) Hi Ronny, Thanks, I read your posts regularly because I'm a chicken lover myself, also I'm also amazed with your good care for your Mother. I live in town and can only have a small flock, two is the limit but I can get away with 3-5. I currently don't have any chickens.... Raccoons. I miss having them keep me company in the garden. On the other hand, my vegatables are beautiful this year because they don't have chickens digging them up. I hope next year things will be more settled with my mom so I can devote more time to raising a new flock of chickens, I want one of each! Meg > Hi Ronny, > [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > > Meg Yesterday I went into the post office and was amazed to hear the sound of birds chirping. The post office lady showed us a box of baby chicks that was waiting to be picked up by the person receiving it. They were peeking out of the holes in the box and "cheeping" like crazy.... so cute! SignatureBest Regards, Evelyn (to reply to me personally, remove 'sox') |
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