Lee,

The thing that immediately popped into my head when I read this is that he
(and you) may be starting to get the very WELL DOCUMENTED caregivers
depression?

Believe me when I tell you that Peter and I were BOTH deeply depressed after
a couple of years, and it didn't let up instantly after we placed Ida in the
nursing home either.  It took a while to get back to normal.

One should never say 'never' when it comes to nursing homes.   They are
there for a reason.   We wanted to take care of Ida through to the end.
Our "end" came before hers did.   We just couldn't take it anymore.   She
was falling down all the time, incontinent, the interrupted sleep and stress
were just building up, and we were both depressed, now that I look back.

I think you need a break.  Your husband and his sister need to discuss their
options, and you definitely sound like you need that respite care and soon.

I think that is exactly it.... well, combination of that, and the fact that
she really works hard to behave MUCH better when he's here than she does
when it's ~just~ one of us female types around

for example,  her ~conversations~ today have been totally off the
wall/nonsensical ("when did she buy you that hair?") - and she spent the
last 4 hours before he got home tonight driving me nuts - in my space,
demanding non stop attention, following me into the washroom, insisting on
dragging the dog into her room against his will (which I don't allow) etc
etc ....  he got home, she tried to converse and figured out pretty quick
that she wasn't pulling it off  and away she went - off to bed with no
further fuss (she and I had been playing the ~bedtime game~ for well over an
hour at that point)

In her reality, men are to be respected, women are not - I think that's a
generational thing, at least in part ... and, back when she was able to get
her thoughts out, she was quite clear in her mind at least, that HE is the
one that has all the power to put her in a home or not ...  she used to
~get~ that it was me that was taking care of her so that she could stay
home, but that understanding is all gone bye bye now

anyway, the upshot is that he doesn't see as much of the behaviour and so on
as I do - but still, it has got to the point that she really CAN'T cover it
nearly as well .... she doesn't act out the way she does for me, but the
conversation is still off the wall, she can't figure out how to use a fork,
or co-ordinate taking her pills, or where the bathroom is (and of course,
the **** everywhere is kinda hard to miss no matter how hard one tries LOL)
...whether he's here or not ....  he doesn't want to admit that she's as bad
as she is - or, especially, that she's going to keep getting worse.

Told me today that I'm SUCH a pessimist .... when I stopped by this
afternoon ....  I'd suggested that if we're going to keep her at home much
longer we NEED to move downstairs.... or at least we need a baby monitor so
that we wake up when she gets up ....  doesn't want to do either..... being
as stubborn about either idea as he was back when I first started insisting
that she absolutely could not be left home alone. Hell, we still disagree
about that sometimes .... he'll suggest that I leave her here while I run
him to work - only take a 'few minutes' - and accuse me of babying her when
I toss her in the car and take her with me to do it.  Anyway - he's right
that if my sleep is disturbed by having to get up with her at night I'll
have less tolerance for taking care of her all day - but for crying out
loud - for safety's sake and for her well-being, she can't be alone down
here! She's scared - and when she's scared, she can't function AT ALL.  And
besides that, the single step that's between her bedroom and the washroom is
getting to be a very real hazard .... she misjudges it all the time ... only
a matter of time before she falls and hurts herself.

Honestly, I think when he's in this frame of mind, he's got it in his head
that the reason she can't be left alone is because we - I - stopped doing it
.... so she became accustomed to having someone with her .... all my fault,
not the disease's  *sigh*

She has a doctor's appt later this week ... going to talk to him; maybe ask
him to support me by having a family meeting (which he's offered before) and
have him give hubby a shot of reality - maybe it'll help if the so called
~pessimism~ comes from the doctor as well as from me?

I understand that it's really hard for him not to be able to FIX this   -
and I feel bad for him (except when I'm so angry I could spit, of course
LOL)  .... but he's going to have to face that