You're not allowed to feel guilty here!  Seriously, no one can
look after someone who is not safe alone for 24 hours per day, 7
days per week.  The professionals who work in the facility where
your mother is going can work an 8 hour shift and leave the
problems at work when they go home, unlike you, and they have
immediate backup and assistance when problems happen.  They can
keep her safer and give her better care than you could.

Be thankful this is happening and that you can get your life
back, and DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.   Enjoy the fact that when you
visit, you will be free from the stress of caring for her, of the
irritation of having to answer the same questions every 5 minutes
all day long, of having her become anxious because she can't see
you or because she's having delusions.  Enjoy the fact that the
time you spend with her can be quality time because you're not
tired and stressed out from caring for her.

You should also accept that you've done your share, and now it's
your sister's turn, even though she won't have anywhere near the
burden that you did.

Now take the time to take care of yourself.  Once your mother has
moved, go spend a weekend at a nice spa to recharge yourself
physically and mentally, and then go do some stuff you've been
putting off because you put Mom first.

Enjoy your freedom, and don't feel guilty.  You did what you
could.

Almost everyone here will tell you that you should JUST DO IT,
preferably while she's off doing something else, and then just
take her to her new home after everything is moved, pix are on
the wall, etc.  Involving her in deciding what goes, etc. will
only stress her out more and be too confusing.  It's always
better to present AD folks with a fait accompli, and to avoid
having to force them to make choices.

that would be difficult to deal with - my MIL occassionally gets confused
and calls my partner (her son) by her husband's name ... and tells people
he's her husband and so on - but to date it hasn't gone to that extent ...
he's her "husband" and my "better half"  and she doesn't have any issues
with that

Re: the move, it doesn't sound to me as though you have any need to feel
guilty - you're not really placing the "burden of care" onto your sister -
that is going to paid, trained caregivers, who get to go home at the end of
their shift and come back refreshed - your sister will have a lot less
responsibility and stress than you've had while caring for her.

besides, guilt really isn't helpful -  your family is doing the best they
can with the resources available, your mom is not being abandonned, and will
have the care she needs - complete with family close by. All any of us can
do is our best - less guilt will likely help to make the adjustment smoother
for your mom, anyway.

Hi and welcome.

You have received some excellent advice already, and there is little I can
add.  The most important thing is not to feel guilty.   As others have said,
we don't allow guilt here.   There is nothing to feel guilty for and you
have done the best you could for as long as you could.

You haven't by any means abandoned her.   She has an illness that will
continue to get worse and more difficult to deal with, and if your sister is
ready to do her part for a while, please be grateful and try to enjoy the
hard earned peace without guilt.

I wouldn't involve her in the nuts and bolts of the move.  It will only
frustrate and confuse her more.  Simply bring her to the already furnished
new place and have it all done up and ready to live in, if you want it to be
easier for everyone.    She will be grateful not to be called upon for
decisions that are becoming harder and harder to deal with every day.

About the "husband" delusion.   One of our long time regular posters had a
situation where his mother in law began to imagine he was making sexual
moves on her.   This is a guy who would never in a million years do anything
like that.   In spite of their committment to keep her at home as long as
possible, these delusions were the straw that broke the camels back and they
did find a placement for her right away after that.   Nobody wants to deal
with that kind of thing... understandably it just made him too
uncomfortable.

Delusions of all sorts are not uncommon.   You are dealing with a mind whose
wires are all crossed.   A friend of mine had an aunt who imagined her
husband's body (dead and buried for 30 years already) was hidden somewhere
in the house and would tear the place apart looking for him.   My mother in
law imagined there were cows outside that needed to be fed and milked, and
that she had a baby that needed nursing.    Some delusions are not too
harmful or difficult to deal with but the ones with a sexual overtone can be
truly upsetting.  (There are medications that help delusions, but you will
have to ask your doctor about it).

I promise you that there is not a single person here that doesn't understand
you and your family's need to place your mom in an assisted living.   No
guilt.   You have done the best you could.   Please be glad you have your
health, that you have a family that has come to the fore when this challenge
arrived, and visit your mom whenever you can.

If it is any comfort, when I placed my mother in law in a nursing home, I
was so upset.  I felt torn (like you).  Part of me felt I was abandoning
her.   I was utterly amazed at how soon she adapted to the setting and the
routine of the place.   These folks are professionals, and they do this as
their job.   I hope your mom does as well as my mother in law did in her
adjustment.

Dear Meg,

I work at a large Assisted Living building that specializes in the care of
persons with dementia.  That and I've lost my own mother to AD after about
15 years of living with this rotten disease.

Let the people who work at the Assisted Living take care of your mom now.
It's what we do, and we're very good at it in most cases.

Your mom will be safe, you will be able to get your own life back, and I
know if your mom had a choice in this decision, she would more than likely
want you to be able to live your own life now and not be responsible for her
day-to-day needs.

We all feel guilt, it's perfectly understandable. I see it in family's faces
every day. All I can tell them is, to think what their loved one would
really want.  There is no one person who can do it all, it takes too much
out of any one person.

Fix up her new room, take her somewhere nice for lunch, and then take her to
her new home.  I am always so pleased when somebody new moves in with us,
it's always just as exciting for us as it is stressful for the families.

Give her a couple of weeks, hopefully she'll be settled in and it will
really and truly be home.

Take some time for yourself.  I know you deserve it.

All the best for you,
Patty

A friend of mine told me that frequently, guilt is an attempt of your mind
to convince yourself that you have control over a situation in which you
really are powerless over.  Essentially, you tell yourself "I should have"
or "I ought to" in situations where you really have no choice.

I found that brought me some comfort when we were forced to put my MIL into
assisted living.  She wouldn't move from the town she had lived in all her
life to where we were. Her doc told us if we left her in her house and went
back to our town (several hundred miles away) he would call Adult Protective
Services because she wasn't safe to stay alone.  It was very unpleasant,
she made a huge scene and we couldn't see her for weeks without her going
into hysterics.  And it left Hubby and me both very shaken and feeling like
we should have been able to do _something else_ even though there wasn't
anything else to do.  When I realized the guilt I was feeling was my mind
trying to gain a sense of control and deny that there wasn't anything else
to be done, it helped me get a handle on the guilt.  We were able to move
her to a place in our town a few years ago.

The gift that has come out of this situation is that with the caregivers
taking care of the basic needs, it's made the visits with her something
pleasant that her son and I enjoy.

One note -- if there is a husband shaped hole in her memory, don't be
surprised if she has similar delusions about someone at her new place.  That
happened at the AL place my MIL is at and their children had a VERY
difficult time handling it.  They couldn't seem to realize that someone with
Alzheimer's is acting out of the reality they are existing in at the moment.
Fortunately, our parents generation was raised with social inhibitions on
some behaviors.  I shudder to think about later generations when they
develop Alzheimer's, they don't seem to have many inhibitions already.  :-)

Karen

I think it entirely possible that your sister may, up to now, have felt
guilty about placing the burden of care on *you*.  I suppose this might
not be true in all families, but Sis lives in Boston while the Dowager
and I live in Florida.  Guess who has had the burden of care?  And guess
who, every three months of so, wails that she hates not being able to do
anything to help?

I point out to her that had the Dowger chosen to move to Boston upon her
retirement, our positions would be completely reversed.  Sis would have
the burden of care, and I would have the burden of guilt.

<snip>

Blessed be,
Baird
who is afraid the UofO at Eugene will have to wait another fifty years
after the Dowager's passing, again, to build its parking garage....

Thanks for all your responses.  I especially appreciate the idea of
replacing guilt with gratitude.  I do feel lucky to have very involved
sibblings who share the load and I am looking forward to all the things
I will be able to do after my mother moves.  We are planning to have
our mother do something fun while others pack and set up.  She does
like lots of reassurance about what we're planning to move so her
involvement is telling us what she wants to have in her new apt.

Meg

a few questions    
Group: alt.support.alzheimers Date: Sun,
May 15, 2005, 12:52pm (CDT-2) From:
mollyg@darkwing.uoregon.edu (meg)
My family is getting ready to move my
mother into assisted living. She was
indpendent until late February, then had
a huge decline, because of a number of
different factors. She has improved
since february, but is no longer able to
be left alone and the progression of the
disease seems to be quickening. I feel
so guilty because I think if I really
wanted to, I could find a way to keep
her out of assisted living, although my
sibblings are in full agreement that
it's time to move her to a residential
facility. I've been the main care
provider, with lots of breaks from
supportive sibblings, but now she'll be
moving to my sister's town, and I feel
guilty placing the burden of care for
our Mother on my sister.

Ronny:
But then your sister won't have near the burden of care that you did.

Meg:
Any suggestions for making this move
easier? I forsee lots of problems,
because when her routine is disrupted
her skills are really impacted. She can
maintain for a day or two, but then gets
quite confused and a little aggitated.
She is participating in this decision to
move to assisted living as much as
possible, although we try to keep
details to a minimum so she is not
overwhelmed. There is no way to arrange
her new, small studio so that it will
resemble her current two bedroom home,
although she will have some of the most
sentimental peices of furniture and
decor with her.

Ronny:
I know situations are different for different people;but I'm glad to see
that your Mom is having some input in this and I'm glad to hear you say
that y'all are keeping somethings to a minimum so your Mom won't be
overwhelmed.

Meg:
Also, my mother, on occaision is
starting to mistake me for her departed
husband. I am able to cope with repeated
stories, questions, constant anxiety,
and being confused with other sibblings,
but I find it extremely uncomfortable
when she wants me to go to bed with her
to cuddle or she is mad at me in the
morning when I haven't slept with her. I
know she can't help it, but I have a
very visceral reaction. On these
ocassions, I have tried to distract her,
and have pointed out that I don't have a
beard but "deep down" as she says, she
knows I'm her husband. Showing her a
picture of her husband in the past has
helped. But this delusion has happened
when we have been running errands or in
the car. The last time she had this
delusion it went on for about 18 hours.
(It took me a while to figure out why
she was angry with me in the morning
when I got up). Finally, out of sheer
exhaustion from the discomfort I felt, I
started to cry. My emotion must have
caused some neurons to fire and she was
able to gain some grasp on reality
because she told me she wouldn't "tease"
me anymore about being her husband. Any other suggestions. I hope this
is moot
when she moves to Assisted living.

Ronny:
Just do your best to keep in mind that all of this is a delusion and
that there's really nothing that can be done about it except to try to
distract your Mom and get her mind on something else. And yes,it shook
me too when my Mom first thought I was her husband,my Dad and I realized
that she was refering to our children! Just glad that didn't happen much
and hasn't happened lately. Much better when she thinks I'm her brother
or her Dad or something like that! :-) Just got to keep in mind that
delusions are delusions and all such usually come and go;but one in
particular seldom lasts.

Meg:
As I read through these posts and from
my own experience, I'm learning the Alz.
can take caregivers just beyond what we
are capable of handling.

Ronny:
That's true and that's when you have to have help and the level of help
needed is dependent on the condition of the person with Alzheimers and
what the caregiver(s) can take. And there is absolutely no use in
feeling guilt over what you can't do or can't take. Much better to focus
on what you can do and get help for that which you really can't.

Hope that made sense 'cause I'm still trying to wake up this morning!
LoL
Ronny

meg <mollyg@darkwing.uoregon.edu> is alleged to have said:

There are things you can do from a distance, depending on aptitudes
and financial resources.  Like, you could manage your mother's financial
affairs, like making sure the facility gets their monthly check and
checking bank statements for errors and problems, while your sister
concentrates on visiting.  Send care packages of socks and underwear
when needed, so your sister doesn't have to go shopping.  You can call
our mother daily so that if sister misses a visit, it won't be so
painful.
...

This should diminish with distance.  If she's anything like my mom,
after a while she won't really remember who you are or why she knows
you, but will always be glad for a cheerful phone call or postcard.