Thanks for asking, Evelyn. It took me til today to get it arranged. I sat
down with him at the church office (go to him, make him feel less threatened
<G>). He is now backtracking on his comment that she is slipping fast. He
says he sees *some* losses but nothing he can't handle. "I'm not willing to
put her into AL yet," he said. "Neither am I and they wouldn't take her," I
said. (Which I suppose is not true -- if she had no one to take care of her,
she would have to go to AL or something similar.) He says it has gotten to
him on occasion, but he is learning to look at things with humor. Every time
she empties the dishwasher is a scavenger hunt, he says. Everything ends up
in the kitchen, just in wacky places, and the pizza cutter went totally
AWOL. But he wants her to keep "helping" as much as she can, and she would
want to, so he has just learned to hunt, and fortunately it is a small
kitchen.

He waits for her to ask for help, and I told him we needed to be more
pro-active about that. I gave him specific examples of how *I* was doing
that without saying "and you're not." I reminded him that when he goes out,
she can't remember where he's gone or when he will return, so he needs to
leave her a note. (The time will come when that doesn't work either, but for
now it still does.) I got him to admit he doesn't know how to use the cell
phone, which is why he doesn't carry it. I've shown him several times --  
guess maybe I need to start watching him for memory loss as well.

I think there may be some other physical problems with her as well. When
they first moved I took her to all her doctor's appointments, and Dad
started taking that over once he started feeling better. But he admitted
today that he was not going back to the exam room with her, even though I
had asked if he were comfortable with that. OK, dementia patient alone with
doctor. What communication do you think does NOT take place? We agreed I
will take that job back.

Actually, what he got most upset about was when I told him that the most
important thing to me was that he and I be able to work together as father
and daughter to take care of her and that I feared being priest and
parishioner would set up conflicts that would interfere with the familial
one. Therefore, I will not be attending church while he is there. I am
already getting dragged into conflicts between him and some of my best
friends. The best option would be for him to not be in that post, but since
he is set on taking it, I have no option than to remove myself. I hit him
where the ego is on that one, I guess.

It was a very polite conversation, but Dad tends to be a little
passive-aggressive, so we'll see what happens next. I dropped something by
the house lately and he was definitely cool to me, but not so Mom would
notice. Sometimes he takes what I say and suddenly three days later it will
be *his* idea. "I've been thinking we should..." and out comes whatever I
proposed. So I am hoping this will work here. If not, there will be more
courageous conversations. I'm ready to start saying, "Dad, take Mom's arm up
those stairs," and if he glares at me, he glares. Fortunately, he does not
have death-ray vision. <G>

Songbird