Hi,

I have lurked in this group for a while but not written
anything myself so far, but my mother and I need some
helpful advice. It is about her mother, my grandmother,
now 87 years old. My mother is her sole caregiver, and
I am the one she calls when she needs to talk.

Grandma has always been quite a headstrong person. Taken
care of seven children, a few grandchildren who continued
to live in the house, had a job most of the time, never
accepted and never needed any help. Among her remarkable
traits is a profound dislike for anything involving
medicine. I don't think she has seen a doctor for about
30 years, not even when - after a bicycle accident - she
could hardly walk for weeks. This is becoming a problem
now, though.

Over the last few years her memory has becoming
progressively worse. It became obvious to everybody when
she started to check for hours (at all times of the day)
if she should cook dinner for the people in the house and
if all the doors are properly locked. Nowadays, it is no
longer possible to have a meaningful conversation with
her, she is so confused. She rarely seems to live in the
past, but usually doesn't know the time or the date or who
is at home. She also has become sort of moody, mostly
aggressive. As we couldn't get her to take a medical check
we can't be sure, but our laypersons' diagnosis is that
she is suffering from Alzheimer's.

So far, we could deal with it quite well. She finds her way
around the house, can still eat, watch television, do the
dishes and very light household work, sometimes even
crosswords. No reading anymore, though. She sleeps a lot
of the time in the rocking chair.

But recently, Grandma has begun having problems with her
personal hygiene. She has fallen in the bathtub and been
unable to get out. When the (locked) door was forced open
hours later, she was completely furious and insisted that
she had just been about to come out. No big problem either,
but since then, it has been hardly possible to get her
to wash. No coaxing, asking, repeatedly requesting does
help - she just won't go to the bathroom. Not for bathing,
not even for simply washing. Physically, she still can,
no assistance with washing is needed and will be accepted.
As Grandma also has an incontinence problem (which she
denies, so no chance to get her to use diapers), it is
becoming hard to stay in the living room with her. Even the
simple suggestion that she might get a haircut, because she
obviously can't manage a complicated hairdo anymore, was met
with storms of fury. Two days ago we tried a very direct
approach "You stink, go clean yourself", which didn't work
either. (That one was born of desperation - of cause it was
not a nice thing to say, but we thought it might help.) She
simply seems not to see the necessity of washing.

So... we are running out of options what to do with Grandma.
My mother has a full-time job, there are no family members
(including me) who could move in (though people try to visit
as often as they can). A day help would certainly not be
accepted and probably be thrown out very soon. And besides,
we don't think full care around the clock is needed: One can
leave Grandma alone at home, she won't run away or cause any
damage. A nursing home is not an option - this is the last
thing she wants.

But what else is there to do to help her keep clean - use
violence? That can't be the solution. So I'd be very grateful
for some suggestions about how to deal with this, approaches
we might try, whatever.

Thank you for your time
Ingrid

(PS: English is not my first language, sorry for all mistakes)