Boydette, I'm not the least ashamed to say my Dad had the right to screw up
his life, but he didn't have the right to screw up mine.  We take good care
of my Mom and we take good care of my MIL(even though she wasn't a pleasant
person).  But just because you contribute genetic material to create a child
doesn't mean that child is your possession to do with as you please.  It
also doesn't mean the child _owes_ you anything at all.

You have to be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of
someone else and that includes being able to realize when a relationship is
corrosive to your well being.  The relationship you describe is abusive.
The relationship I had with my Dad was abusive and I reached a point where I
realized that the only person that gave him the right to treat me that way
was me.  And I was the only one that could stop it.  And no, I didn't feel
obligated to jump to his help decades later when the natural result of his
lifestyle was taking it's toll.  He was a stranger.  If you're not at that
point, treat the free advice as worth what you paid for it.

If you are still getting something healthy from your Mom's situation, by all
means -- hang in there.  Maybe you only post when your frustrated and no one
else knows about the good times.  From reading your posts, it doesn't sound
like that's the case.  If your sis doesn't think you are doing your share
ask her for something you can do for her while she'd doing something for
your Mom.  Family is all about trade-offs.  I would suggest that you ask APS
to reevaluate your Mom and if you get the same wench, try talking to her
supervisor.  We knew there was a brewing problem with my MIL for years, but
we couldn't do anything about it until it reached a critical point.  But
trying to solve a problem you have no control over and can not influence is
like trying to get over a brick wall by hitting it with your head until it
falls down.  Not many people's head is hard enough to solve the brick wall.

Free advice is worth what you pay for it.  Take what you can use and leave
the rest.

Karen

I have been participating in an e-seminar for the past few days and one of
the things that came up there was the difference between on-line support
groups and virtual support groups.  Among the differences most noted were
obviously the lack of physical presence in the virtual groups, a reliance to
a far greater extent to the "words" used by the participants, and sometimes
a greater difficulty for participants who are at different stages to
communicate effectively with one another.

I really suspect that no one here who has offered what Boydette sees as "cut
and dried" solutions was trying to be harsh (to Boydette), but another of
the things mentioned in the e-seminar is a tendency among online groups to
have members who tire quickly of covering the same material over and over
and over again.  Each of us as we progress through stages with our loved
ones need to express our frustrations and concerns, etc. and in a medium
(such as this) where the complexity of communication is so limited to just
words on a screen, when others read our frustrations and concerns, it can
seem like tiresome, repetitive, griping.

In an in-person support group, however, where facial expressions, volume,
tone, eye contact, nervous gestures, etc. are there, the communication is
richer.  Usually the person expressing frustration will experience head
nods, eye contact, smiles, a pat on the shoulder, etc. and know that they
are being listened to, heard, and understood.  Frequently they will need to
do less "venting" than someone in an online group, because the immediate
feedback puts them at ease, and is an immediate comfort.

This format, however, lacks immediacy, so we will share longer, more complex
feelings, before receiving any feedback at all.

In a physical presence we can often tell if the person speaking is
frightened, confused, angry, unhappy, sarcastic, etc.  Tone of voice,
gestures, movements, eye contact, etc. help us figure that out.  Here, all
we have to work with are the words.  Often the words we read sound angry,
but if the person writing them to us was speaking them to us, we might
realize they are frightened or confused, not angry.

Support groups (both online and in person) are meant to be personal.
Comments here are taken personally.  I think we need to give some greater
recognition to the limitations of the medium we are using, and rather than
assuming we fully understand someone else's post (especially when it seems
emotion-laden or critical), we might sometimes follow up with a question,
asking, "Do you mean that . . . ." or "How do you deal with . . . ." or
perhaps even "How can we help you?"