Which most folks would do if the AD person would allow it.

If the AD person will *not* voluntarily relinquish control of
finances they obviously can't handle, or properly handle
medications but refuses to let anyone help, you sometimes just
have to go away and let them get into trouble.  

it's not cruelty at all if there *is* no other way to get them to
accept help.  and if the parent is abusive to caregivers, the
parent will have to suffer the consequences, just as we did when
we were their children and misbehaved.

it's not anyone's responsibility to take cruelty, abuse, and
exploitation.  not all family relationships are wonderful, you
know.

Hi Barb,

You are absolutely right, but remember we live in a country where the civil
rights of an individual are valued highly.... so much so that it has to be
really obvious that they aren't capable any more to almost everyone.

Then you have the tendency of people around the other person trying to hide
the situation, thinking that they are being taken advantage of.   We went
through that with Ida early on.

And as Dennis mentioned, not all families are in agreement.

I don't remember if you were posting here at that time, but there was
absolutely nothing we could do!  She had a couple of friends and a couple of
neighbors, all of whom were doing their best to keep her "protected" from
facing the truth, even though she had been diagnosed and the doctor told us
that she should not live alone anymore!

We were two hours away, both of us full time employed and we had to take day
after day off of work to bring her to various medical and dental
appointments.   It was very taxing!   When finally a diagnosis was in place,
she did not want to leave her home and we had no place to put her.... not to
mention that we were reluctant to take on the job at first (for very good
reasons).

It took us a few months till we sold our house, bought another house that
was bigger, and for my husband to pursuade her to "come stay with us for a
few days".   By that time the situation was really dire and the protecting
neighbor finally called us and told us that she had to go somewhere and
soon, because nobody (of the neighbors) wanted to take care of her anymore.
We got her that very day!

But before that, can you imagine how scared we were that something dire
would happen?  She was threatening to kill herself by jumping off the roof
of her house to everyone, and it was too much of a challenge to her to even
take a bath, much less to contemplate what it would take to put her life in
order.

It took a long time to get her to come out of the house, even on the ruse
that it was a visit.   When we finally did that, her life took a great turn
for the better, and she was a great deal happier.  She was eating regular
meals and we supervised her meds, and we got her into a daycare center.
That was in 2001.   She stayed here with us, happy, clean, fed, and loved
and cared for at home, till last April or May when we were forced to put her
into a local nursing home because her illness had gotten that much worse.

But I will NEVER forget those awful early days, when we knew she was not
capable of caring for herself, but she wouldn't leave her house.    You
can't drag someone kicking and screaming out of their home.

Not every person who is sick with alzheimers disease enough to need care
LOOKS that way to strangers.  They can often pull themselves together for a
moment or two, or even a day, or even a doctors visit, and only their
closest loved ones know what is REALLY going on.   Ida was that way, and so
was Dennis' mother, and others here have also noticed that.

Not every person who is sick enough to need care is inclined to recognize
that fact themselves either.

The waiting is the hardest part of all, but in this country where civil
rights are valued, that is often the only course available.