thank you all and you Karen what a good idea....thank you

Re: The "Take me home" issue  

Group: alt.support.alzheimers Date: Sun, Mar 27, 2005, 11:28am From:
kk5151@hotmail.com (Karen)
Boydette, I'm a firm believer that everyone needs to do what they can
live with. In my case, not going worked because I hadn't been involved
with him in 20+ years, but my Dad's family _had_ to have one. If the
family wants to have one and you don't want the barflies attending, you
may want to consider scheduling as a strategy. Most barflies won't be
available to attend an 8AM Sunday service at the graveside for example.
Especially if it's a bright sunny day.
I've attended several services that didn't involve an inside service
then a graveside service. They were lovely and economical and didn't
have the smotherey feeling some inside services have. Just a thought.
Karen
"Boydette" <bdetrs@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:12699-42420510-168@storefull-3217.bay.webtv.net... good respnses
all but I gotta say WHOO HOO to Joanne....since my dads been in the home
me and sis asked several bar owners to put up a jar for him....I cant
even count the money my dad has contributed through the years so one
sick or dying friend or another with jars for contributions...one bar
owner has known my parents for thirty years and she goes WHY??? I said
cause there is no insurnace medical or life...she goes well wait til he
dies and then I will see what I can do....then proceeded to tell me wha
a piss poor daughter I am...I told her to go pleasure herself and there
would be NO funeral for her or her kind to feel sorry for a man that
they arent willing to help while he is still alive...I AM DONE and at
PEACE.....barflys can have their own pity party....wailing and weeping
even though they continued to serve BOTH my parents despite falls
stitches ambulances car wrecks and tickets...as far as I am concerned
they as much put a gun to their head....thanks for letting me vent
Re: The "Take me home" issue
Group: alt.support.alzheimers Date: Mon, Mar 21, 2005, 10:50am (CST+6)
From: jmalina@spamthis.com (Jo Ann Malina)
Boydette <bdetrs@webtv.net> is alleged to have said: My dad has always
been very strong willed and like a little kid throwing tantrums...my mom
and even us kids til we grew up catered to his every whim. Also he has
always bullied me...anyway half the time when I go there he doesnt know
who I am really...its weird cause I am named after him (Boyd= Boydette)
and the staff will ask him "Is this your namesake?" and he goes I dont
know then I will say Uh dad I am Boydette named after you ....oh ok he
says like he dont believe me...anyway I am done...he is on hospice so
its just a matter of time til he passes....my sis says I will be sorry
but I feel like I am doing the right thing...anyway I am unwavering
Gee, sitting in the nursing home, still trying to control everyone
around him. Wonder if it will occur to him that it isn't working any
more? Wonder what he might have done in life if he'd applied that
stubborn anger to a good cause?
I also told sis NO FUNERALS....all that will show up is a bunch of low
life bar flys telling us how great our parents are/were....and why??/
cause they treated their bar buddies better than their own
kids....anyway NO funerals...save money and then we wont have to go thru
that hassle of faking grief we dont feel
sorry if this offends...JMO
Offends? No. You get to protect yourself from unreasonable people, even
parents. And since funerals are for the living, if the living don't want
to have one, why do it? If the "bar flys" want to get together and have
a memorial, they can do it themselves, but I bet they won't.

My dad died back in 1990. He basically wanted next to nothing in terms
of a funeral, and was being cremated and buried in another town (next
to my mother, in her hometown). However, various family did want to pay
their respects (as others have pointed out, a funeral is not for the
person who has died - its the rite of passage, the closure, the period
to the sentence - for the LIVING). So, we had a grave side ceremony we
brought a local pastor in for. No eulogies. Just a simple, short
ceremony on a lovely fall day, buried his ashes - and then we all went
back to the home of one of my mother's relatives (one who had really
disliked my dad, but who was being kind to my brother and me) for a bit
of a family wake/gabfest.

It actually was a bright spot in a miserable time. I haven't forgotten
the kindness of those relatives who obviously went to a lot of trouble
to arrange coffee, cake and sandwiches for the 30 or so who showed up
at the cemetery. It was just so sweet of them, and did make me feel
cared for at a time when I was hurting. I know they did it for us, not
my dad.

My father was a very difficult individual, and we had a complex and
often rocky relationship (he was a manic depressive, and quite a
prickly misery most of his life). I think about that day now that 15
years have gone by, and I know that little ceremony was important to ME
in the bigger picture, more than I realized at the time.

Mary G.