Hi everyone! My name is Tish and I'm tickled about finding you all. *massive
hugs*
Goodness, I need to vent. I been reading and rereading each and every posted
message in here. There's sooOOoo much to think about and consider. Thank you
all so much. ;) Most of all thank you all for having a place for me to come
and share my life. Not just share but to learn from your successes as well
as mistakes.
I haven't found a situation quite like mine yet. Maybe by sharing and
'listening' I can piece together some sort of plan of action that might help
me.
About 5 years ago my husband and I moved his parents in with us after mom
had her third or fourth kitchen fire. I can't remember exactly how many. No
matter. We convinced dad and mom to come stay with us. Dad is now 87 soon to
turn 88 and mom is 81 soon to turn 82.
Mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Parkinson's around the same time
we moved them in. I managed to get her down to Mayo's where they tested her.
Dad was very accepting at the time but her worsening condition sorta
convinced him. Even way back then they also wanted to test my father in law.
He refused. *shrug* Not much I could do about that. I'm clearly convinced he
has 'bouts' of dementia. Nothing permanent...just at certain times.
Anyway...I stay home to care for them both. It's a hard line to walk,
though.
Dad will listen to my advice as long as it suits him.
My father in law is a very proud man. He delights in taking care of mom. But
it's like he practices 'his' kinda medicine. I'm so frustrated. Most of the
time I can 'reverse' something he's doing if it's not a 'good' thing...but
lately it's becoming harder to do so.
I mean they live here with us and I'm forced to watch my mom go downhill
faster then snot on a 2 year old. It's driving me nuts.
I've sorta accepted the fact that in dad's eyes I'm sort of a glorified maid
keeping their living quarters clean, their clothes washed, food on the table
and 'fixing' their clicker every time he pushes the wrong button to change
the channel on the TV. Heck, he's 87...he can't help how he is.
We, my husband their son and I, felt that as long as they could maintain
some sort of autonomy they'd be fairly happy. I am here pretty much all the
time so nothing truly dangerous would or could happen.
Things have changed though. I'm at a loss as to how to proceed. Mom has
really deteriorated the past year. She's become this lovable darling
childlike person...completely trusting and dependent on directions. Dad has
become this sorta Machiavellian sorta character exerting a weird pleasure on
her compliance with his every command. Gawd, listen to me! I'm assigning a
character to the poor man. He's just so...so...so I can't put a finger on
it. It's like he wants to prove he's gonna win over every decision about mom
and what goes on in her world. If he wants her in bed all day because that's
where he wants to be...well that's that. She's in bed. If I ask to take her
for a walk in her wheelchair...he fights me tooth and nail. If it's not HIS
idea...well just forget it.
Chuck, his son has tried to reason with him...but I'm telling you up front
that my husband works his butt off trying to care for us all as well as do
his job at work. It's not easy for him to step in and do what I do taking
care of dad and mom. He shouldn't have to. Usually if Chuck suggests
something then dad is as sweet as can be complying up till the point he
feels it's not in his own best interests. Mainly over keeping mom healthy.
Mom is dad's audience. He doesn't 'intend' on harming her...he simply makes
decisions that doesn't 'help' mom. Example...he thought mom's Aricept
prescription was way too expensive...so he took to giving her one every
other day. I guess he figured it would last longer that way. Once I knew
this...I took it to their doctor where we both convinced dad NOT to do that.
I end up doing this incredibly ugly thing of sneaking into their room to
count her pills. *sigh* Fortunately he's been compliant about her meds now.
I sorta lied and told him the pharmacy would 'know' how often her pills need
refilled and would call the doctor if they weren't. Then the doctor would in
all likelihood take mom and put her in a care facility.
Yup...lies...but I had no choice.
I think it's all boiling down to a battle of wills between dad and me. I
just don't want that. An otherwise normal life can be lived here if we were
all on the same page. It's just that dad wants to choose the page if he
chooses to open the book at all. I suppose it could be said that of me too.
I'm just so very tired of it all. I've given up an awful lot to stay home
with them and help them. I'm just exhausted fighting him as well as their
medical problems. I don't want to fight at all but it seems that's what I
wake up to every day now.
The weirdest thing is that dad can actually 'appear' rational and
loving...even helpless-like around strangers. For short periods of time that
is. If I mention that he has this mean streak to anyone they look at me like
I'm crazy. Maybe I am. I actually had a lady show up at our door one day
from the state. She came to investigate us and our care of mom and dad
because someone out there in the world called them claiming we weren't
feeding them! Dad didn't like what I had cooked so he called a taxi for them
to go to the Golden Corral to eat. It gets worse...he complained he thought
he had more money in his wallet then he did and gave the impression that
perhaps 'someone' meaning me of course must have gotten into his wallet.
Good grief! It only took the lady a couple of hours to see nothing was wrong
but it sure as heck was embarrassing. I wasn't upset, honestly. Just
embarrassed. I'd want someone to investigate acts of wrongness. People die
when things don't get reported. It's just frustrating because I 'know' we
are pretty lucky overall and it doesn't have to be this way. I'm completely
floored over how he can manage to convince total strangers in a matter of a
few minutes that he's so helpless and abused. I'd love to abuse him just
once so he'd see the differences. Abuse him to China and back with a feather
till he wets his pants. Acckkk! Listen to me! I'm ready to go off the deep
end I am!
Oh well...this probably means I'd better stop venting. *deeper sigh* Sorry,
folks. It's just been a long time since I've shared any of this with anyone
other than my Chuck. He's an incredibly patient man...he knows what his dad
is like...but he's got enough on his plate keeping the world together
already. It's my job to handle this...and somehow I will.
Hey, thanks for being here to listen and most of all...letting me vent. It's
an incredible feeling, huh? Just being able to let off steam. ;) It means
alot.
Well, I'm off to fix lunch. Take care and bless you all. It's such a joy for
me to read others just as frustrated as I am. ;) Never thought I'd say
something as crazy as that...but it's true. *hugs* Talk to you all
later...if you don't mind.   Always - Tish