Dear A.J.,

Your heart is in the right place. We can tell that you love your mom and
think she should have home care so that she will feel loved. Perhaps you
feel it's a family duty and shameful to be having her in a nursing home.

How is your health? Your husband's? Your children's? Anyone else with
chronic illness? Anyone working full time? Anyone in school who couldn't
devote their full attention to care?

Taking care of a dementia patient 24/7 can best be done by a staff of
people, once the dementia has advanced. It takes shifts of people so teams
can lift or carry if need be. It takes rested staffers, not people who are
so exhausted by outside work plus physical care that they have little energy
left to just be loving family members. There are perhaps 4 to 6 of you? Is
everyone willing to pair up in daily shifts? No days off for one's own
illnesses. No vacations. Who will come over when someone grocery shops? Will
that person be willing to deal with incontinence issues (and not just
cleaning the loved one, but changing bedding. Perhaps dealing with wet or
soiled rugs or upholstered furniture because our Loved Ones with dementia
can't be guaranteed to stay on the blue pads.)?

How does your Mom deal with change? Not usually, but in her current stage of
dementia. Is she already at a stage where change in her schedule throws her
into behavioral issues? What medication is your mom on? Is she prone to
sundowning (not sleeping, just pacing and pacing)? Is she delusional at all?
If yes, how well are her delusions controlled or managed? How is her
balance? Has she hit the falling stage, yet? How is your home set up? Is it
crowded with furniture or very open with room for walker and wheelchair? Any
throw rugs?How about the bathing/toileting area - could it be set up for a
handicapped person? Is your house a ranch style, or would stairs need to be
negotiated to get from bed to bathroom/shower? Have you really thought this
through? All the issues?

My FIL passed away almost 4 years ago, now. He wound up in a NH because in
his dementia, when his meds weren't balanced right he became violent and was
a danger to my MIL. Are you prepared to deal with physical or chemical
restraints in your home if she develops behavioral issues? Do you live in an
area with quick 911 response should she become injured or ill?

We don't mean to putting down your good intentions and big heart. We just
want you to think about how perhaps your sibling made a decision based on
your mom's safety, and not out of any selfish desire to avoid the work of
care.

Go Google Evelyn Ruut's messages here on the group. The care she gave her
MIL was exceptional. She speaks from the trenches in a way many of us could
not, and with more compassion for her MIL than I could muster for my FIL
(truth be told). Go read some of her past posts where she chronicled the
state in which Ida lived until Evelyn and her husband scurried her off to
live with them. Read about the health and emotional issues - Evelyn was
quite clear and cogent.  Knowing how hard it is, we don't jump to the notion
that someone is acting selfishly if a caretaker puts a demented LO in a
nursing home. Unless sudden illness acts mercifully, a NH becomes the best
and safest place for someone with dementia, eventually.

Adelle

i echo what the others have said.  if you haven't had to care for
her 24/7 already, you have absolutely NO idea of what you'll be
getting into.  

WHY do you want to do this?  is is because you believe that
family care is better than what she'll get in a facility?
believe me, unless you have a very large family who are totally
dedicated to caring for grandma, it won't be.  the staff at the
facility works 8 hours and then can leave the problems at work
and come back fresh.  at home, you just just get more and more
exhausted as time goes on.

i only did it for a couple of weeks at a time, and that was more
than enough to convince me i couldn't do it and retain my sanity.