The important thing is that you have discussed it, and left it as an option
for her.  So many people don't do that or instill awful guilt trips on their
loved ones making them promise never to put them in a facility, never
realizing what it means.  The fact you have not done that shows great
wisdom.

Lesa, if he has A.D., there's no way that you could have "drove him mad"!

A.D. is very much about the physical stuff happening in the brain tissue. You
could no more drive a person mad than love them to death.

I think, sometimes, we find it easier to blame ourselves because there's no
other seemingly reasonable explanation. In our grief, we dredge up memories we'd
rather forget and associate them with unrelated causes and outcomes.

Maybe you did drive him mad (but, as I said, that's pretty unlikely).

On the other hand, if you have the recipe, please pass it on to me. I have quite
a few people who need it.

-
Mod as a hooter!

No, he has an organic brain disease.  It has nothing to do with
what you may or may not have done, and really, you do need to
seek therapy or counseling to deal with your feelings.  Please do
this so that you can be at your best for him.

Back then you may indeed have caused him a great deal of grief but it has
absolutely NOTHING to do with his condition today.  Alzheimers is a real
organic brain disease which crosses all boundaries.  People who have had
comfortable lives get it just the same as those who have not.

I assure you that your guilt is for your own reasons from the past, not from
his illness, that is just transference.   If you could get some counseling
that might help you to realize this.   From what you have said, the very
last thing your loving dad would want is for you to torture yourself with
guilt.

Placing a person in a nursing home is nothing any of us want to do, but only
do it because there is no other way.   My mother in law could have lived
here with us till the day she died, but when she kept on falling and
sometimes getting seriously hurt, and we were up all night for years on end
because she couldn't manage even getting herself to the toilet at night, it
finally reached a point where we realized she needed professional care 24/7.

Your past actions did NOT give your dad alzheimers, and putting him in a
nursing home was NOT a punishment to feel  guilt about.    There is no
particular reason why some people get it and some don't (though scientists
are working on that) and there is no reason to feel guilty for putting a
beloved dad in a place where he is going to get full time professional
nursing care when he needs it.   In fact you should be proud that you
realized it was time for professionals to step in.

Here is a quote from a wonderful tibetan Lama, a certain Lama Yeshe, which I
think is so appropriate I actually cut it out and pasted it on the wall next
to my computer.  I see it every day.   It helped me through that three years
of caregiving.   You might want to do the same....

"Be wise.  Treat yourself, your mind, sympathetically, with loving kindness.
If you are gentle with yourself, you will become gentle with others."
(Lama Thubten Yeshe)

Think about that please; a happy smiling, not-guilty feeling daughter would
be a great blessing to your father at this time.   When we feel guilty we
look down and depressed and unhappy.   Your dad may have alzheimers disease
and he may not remember a lot, but he will certainly remember how you
appeared to him.  Give him the gift of giving up your guilt and present him
with a happy non-guilty heart.

Whatever religious pursuasion you follow, almost all have some way to give
up guilt and start anew.  Some go to confession and receive absolution, some
simply ask that you say a certain prayer and begin anew.   In the buddhist
tradition we have certain rituals and prayer to deal with it.

The trick is that you really do need to give it up, and to realize that is
NOT a denial of the past, nor is it betraying your dad NOT to feel guilty
anymore.   It would be a truly great gift both to yourself and to him.