thanks donnah,

i just wanted to add something to what i wrote previously, and this seems as
good a place as any to do that.

people build their relationships with their families.   no one can really
judge them.   it is a relationship they have constructed themselves over the
years.

i don't for a minute doubt that there are plenty of good people in nursing
homes and such, who get the short end of the stick from their families, but
it needs to be viewed with some greater understanding than just some
knee-jerk pity for the 'poor' neglected patient.

there are families where relationships have been outright toxic or maybe
just plain selfish over many years.   who can say these individuals are not
reaping the harvest they sowed?  it isn't for another to judge.

getting an illness like alzheimers does not automatically cancel the past.
in my case it was an exception that we were able to overcome past
negativity, but there were no sibling rivalry issues to deal with, and also
i was always open to making peace.   not everyone is, and there is no rule
that says they must.

if there are people who get no loving familial recognition at holiday time,
we need to realize that there are two sides to a relationship.   everyone,
caregiver included, deserves consideration and loving recognition, but we
also have to take care of our own needs first.

if we build loving relationships with our families that don't foster a lot
of jealousies, rivalries, selfishness, or it's close cousin overindulgence,
without teaching responsibility toward others, that is the best we can do
and the most we can hope for so our children will WANT to see us and nurture
a relationship if we become chronically ill somewhere down the road.

if a formerly loving relative gets a brain disease that makes them
exceedingly unpleasant to deal with, there is only just so far we can go
till our efforts become destructive to the peace of  our own lives.   no one
should judge them if they choose to opt out of having every holiday
destroyed out of misplaced guilt.

if that is the case, visit the day after or the day before.   we are all
just doing the best we can.   self immolation is good for nobody.     guilt
is a crippler and the enemy of open hearted love, and of good memories down
the road, so give it no space in your head!

happy holidays to all of you and yours!

yes, exactly gwen.  i think everybody on this newsgroup is doing the best
they can......   we are the ones who already have stepped up to the plate
and done our bit.

there is always going to be a limit to how much you can do and recognizing
that limit is good common sense.

Agreed. And I am sorry if it sounded like I was laying a guilt trip.

Feather

dear donnah,

you may remember i am a buddhist, and there are some techniques which are
very helpful.   i have no patience either, but what has been very helpful to
me is to keep in mind that all i have to do is to get through the present
moment, just now.    it really helps.

if i think about how long it will be till my shoulder is fully healed and i
am "normal" again, i will go bonkers.   instead i just think about getting
through the next few minutes, the next hour, just this day.    i promised
myself to maintain that view throughout this whole ordeal, and amazingly the
time is passing.    on the third of january i will get these metal rods out
of my arm!   that is only a week away!