Bob,  You do what you have to do and use what her reality is to your
needs.  I agree, I wouldn't "hit her over the head with it".

What I did with my MIL was to state often(for about a week) that I was
planning a trip and going to help MY mother out.  It happened to be
across the country, and I mentioned California, but she never quite
integrated she was in Maryland(we had moved her from California and she
lived with us a year before being placed in a dementia-specific ALF).
She heard it several times, and it made sense to her; BUT she never
asked what was going to happen to her.

When we actually took her in we told her we had this nice place for her
to stay while I went to help my "sick"mother.  Her best rebuttal was
that her son/my husband could keep her.  But she agreed he needed to go
to work and "the Dr. said she could not be left alone all day."  The
logic was a little fuzzy, but it worked for her and she came up with no
other resistance (thank you Zyprexa!).  Diverting her attention by the
promise of Oreo cookies(the Director took over) and up she got and
trotted away willingly.  We had her room set-up prior- and we didn't say
good-bye.......They took over and it went fairly well.  One of the most
emotional moments of our lives....very hard to do.  Don't expect you'll
feel good about it.  And you'll worry....but the other part of your
brain knows it's what has to be done.

I came back in 2 weeks after a family wedding and she had no idea who I
was, although recognized me as someone familiar.  She did know her son
for quite awhile, but after a few weeks had not much recollection of
having lived anywhere else.  I would guess that your Mom may well know
you for a long time to come....so the next part is to deal with her
pleas "to go home" and be able to leave without emotional turmoil.
Prepare with answers that are meaningful for her....the place is being
painted, new carpeting put in,when the doctor says she's well enough,
etc.  We still "escape" by telling her we have to go to work(even if
it's dark outside)-she can't reason to know the difference. Her current
thinking when she's tired is getting home to her mother, do we have a
car to take her?  I often respond that, no-today I came on "my broom",
horse, or whatever and don't have a car. We know she's aphasic, because
she doesn't comprehend the difference between them. It also passes
fairly quickly.

This is tough, but your facility can help guide you through it.  Don't
you get upset if there's a scene, in fact expect it.  Of course she will
know she's in a different place-but involved explanations won't help
because she can't see she has a problem.  I think as children we so want
 their approval that this is the right decision we're making.  Face it,
that is not going to happen-as much as you want it.  She is not going to
turn to you and say, "Yes, I need to be in a place like this.  Thank you
for arranging it."

I hope it goes well for you.  Even if not particularly smooth-sailing,
you will get through it and live to tell us about it too!

Keep in touch
Beth

you're on the right track, but it's not quite so simple.  the
best thing to do is to divert her by taking her somewhere for the
day --- a sightseeing trip of some kind, perhaps with a lunch
stop at a place she'll like.  then when you go "home", you take
her to the new place, tell her you want to meet some folks there,
and take her directly to her room (take care of all the paperwork
ahead of time).

while she's out sightseeing, you and a crew move her favorite
chair, her favorite bed linens, the family pictures and other
stuff that will make her new room "home", as well as the clothes
she will need.  it's best if you keep her jewelry and other
valuables "safe for her", since it's about 99% certain that she
will either lose them, give them away without thinking, or
another resident may "borrow" them.

tell her she'll be staying there "a few days" while you take a
trip, and plan ahead with the staff to divert her with a treat
while you sneak out.  then do stay away for 3-5 days so that she
can get used to the place.

other folks' advice about wanting to "go home" is right on
target.  most of the time, when AD patients want to "go home"
they really want to go back in time to when things were normal
and they felt in control.

Sounds like a good idea. If it helps you might use a 'call to authority' and
say she needs to be checked out by a doctor the next day as a reason why she
needs to stay.

I'm with Dennis. Make sure she isn't around during the packing and
unpacking. When my MIL first went to assisted living, she was
relatively aware, and we found that trying to involve her in planning
the move or selecting items to take with her was  too upsetting for
her - she got really overwhelmed. Finally, we packed her off to her
sister's for a nice overnight visit, and we descended on the move en
masse (my husband and I had already made a run a day or two previously
to put up a nice border print, and then the pile of helpers moved the
personal bits of furniture, the pictures, her clothing etc. and had
everything completely set up and unpacked before we went and got her.
When she had to move again to the AD ward, we did something similar -
we stashed her with relatives for the day so she got a nice visit, and
didn't witness any of the packing, cleaning, moving, unpacking,
picture hanging etc.

We also stayed with her for dinner for the first meal, so she didn't
feel abandoned on her first evening.

Tell her whatever you have to tell her - whether a story about having
to stay there until the doctor sees her, or that its a hotel, or her
apartment is being cleaned - whatever you think she will "buy" for the
5 minutes she might retain the story.

Do not take anything of value with her, or anything you are not
prepared to have her lose. Even if its just assisted living and not an
AD ward, a significant number of residents will have cognitive
impairments, and people go in and out of each other's rooms - and
knick knacks, jewellry, ornaments, anything portable will vanish. My
MIL was the culprit for some of her things that went west - she had a
couple of nice teacups with her, and the cups vanished - we think that
she put them in the garbage instead of washing them because she was
confused. She also had a couple of small ornaments that she almost
lost since she wadded them up in tissue and jammed them into various
hiding spots where we only found them by accident.

We found that whether she had 2 dollars in her purse or $40, the cash
would vanish at the same rate (and she didn't really need any, since
they had a tuck shop where she could just sign for items). She could
never explain where the money went, so we would leave her with just a
few small bills (it made her feel better to have a couple of dollars).

Clothing must be washable and tough too - and expect it to vanish as
well...and then reappear unpredictably - probably from the closets of
other residents. Like I said...they wander in and out of each other's
rooms, taking items at random and leaving others. We found the
commercial laundry took the mickey out of nicer items, so we kept any
special items at our place to be brought over for nicer occasions and
not left there, or trusted to their rough laundering!

Mary G.